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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Confused!!!

I'm sitting here wondering how to get down what I want to write or even what I want to write.  I'm glad that I had some pre-scheduled posts for this month.  I think that I just need to ramble a bit.  I've been wanting to write about the issue of Borderline Personality Disorder abandonment both as a criteria and a factor in its formation.  I've been wanting to return to writing my past journal entries with commentary.  I've been wanting to write about my progress with my eating disorder.  I've been...  All of this thinking keeps me stuck and overwhelmed from making a decision...as it is always meant to do.

With the abandonment issue, it has been difficult as I had to look at my own issues with it especially with BPD having its roots in early abandonment by a primary caregiver.  Just Monday, my therapist and I got into a discussion/argument about whether my father abandoned me or just drifted out of my life as I like to say.  This implies that there was no intent or responsibility on his part.  I thought that I had dealt enough with my issues with my father...guess not.  (I am newly wearing make up...never really did before)  My therapist informed me during this interaction that I was having a "Tammy Faye moment."  I just really hurt and don't want to write anymore about this.

I also feel like I am abandoning a friendship that I severed ties with in 2006 because it was quite unhealthy and not reciprocal. I don't feel like giving you the details, but just believe me when I tell you that I needed to do so.  Well, she has been calling because her father passed away.  I am extremely sad about his death, but I can't reestablish a relationship with her.  She has always tried to make me her mother or therapist.  We have known each other since we were 10 years old.  However, the relationship became quite unheathy to me.  Her calls have been whiny and manipulative.  I don't mean to sound harsh, but without giving details this is where I am.

I looked back at where I stopped writing my past journal entries as it has been a while.  What I discovered is that I stopped where the intense flashbacks and repressed memories started.  Hmmmm...could it be avoidance or denial?

My eating disorder has been quite a struggle.  My weight is up and down and my triglycerides are very high and about 200 points above what it was at the beginning of last year.  I have been trying to exercise and to eat more frequently.  I am also able to fit into clothes that I couldn't last year.  Yet, I'm still depressed as I know that I am so overweight.

When I told my psychiatrist that I made dinner, he was supportive.  However, he told me that it would be better if my time was spent exercising instead of cooking.  I feel discounted and angry as this was a good step for me.

I'm also physically not feeling well.  I've had a few migraines.  And, currently have a probable urinary tract infection, some vaginal bleeding for which I went to my doctor yesterday (Tuesday) to have checked out.  Waiting for lab results.  Oh, I forgot I've had a sinus infection.  However, I had to cancel a dinner that I was really looking forward to with a friend.  It would have been my first time out to dinner with a friend in years.  I am in quite a bit of pain and yesterday the only thing that helped was to sleep.

I also want to be healthy enough or feel good enouth to go to the Grease sing-along this Friday.  I've been looking forward to this for months.
I just want to cry.  I feel all mixed up inside.

5 comments:

NOS said...

Wow, CC, it sounds like you've been going through a lot. I'm glad you were able to vent a little on this blog. That's what it's for, right? I'm sorry your eating has been a struggle-- I can certainly relate. But just know that you have people out here in the blogosphere (myself included) who care and who are supporting you all of the way.

And I hope your medical problems get better before the Grease sing-along. That sounds like a lot of fun.

Wishing you well,
NOS

Evan said...

I hope you are managing to have sense of getting through it.

Stacy said...

Sounds like your physical problems are really drawing you back. Hopefully things will inprove some when you get to feeling better.

Dr. Deb said...

IT's hard finding balance. And what is a Tammy Fage moment. Not sure I understand that or if it is really a nice thing to say.

Clueless said...

NOS, thank you!!!

Evan,thanks for visiting. I am getting through, but it is tough

Stacy, my physical problems often intensify my emotional stuff. I am feeling a bit better. Thank you.

Dr. Deb, Balance is tough, but I'm getting there. A "Tammy Faye moment was when the televangelist's makeup would run down her face." I was a prompt to let me know that that was happening. Given the context and my relationship with my therapist, it was not an insult and taken with a light heart.

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