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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Past Journal Entry: July 21, 2005 ~ 6:30 PM & Gap in Time

Although my last journal entry was not that many days from this one's date, I wrote almost everyday. However, much of it was repetitive with the suicidal thoughts, and wanting to bruise. I somewhere along the way had taken some time off from work, but remained even more symptomatic. As a result, my medications were increased and the option of taking more time off was discussed. The whole Barbie incident really became intrusive and kept replaying in my head, visually and the worst part was the physical sensations. Also, I did go back to work, but had even a more difficult time in concentrating.

What I am writing today is an excerpt from that day's entry. I'm feeling a little buzzy today. I can't wait for this week to be over. It has been very hot. I'm glad for air conditioning [I have always been extremely sensitive to heat even now, I get over heated, to the point of fainting, in an air conditioned house if it is hot outside.] Remember going minature golfing and telling my mother that I wasn't feeling well and that everything was getting dark. She told me to stop playing around and didn't believe what I said...she will even refer to it now telling me that she thought I was just fooling around.

In actuality, I was reacting to the heat and was beginning to faint, so I went inside the air conditioned arcade and found a corner quickly and sat down until I felt better. I just told my mother, I was going to the restroom and rejoined them after. This began while I was in elementary school. Although others, in my family believed me and had experienced my fainting, my mother just told them that I was dramatic and looking for attention.

Feeling buzzy like my head doesn't want to take in what I wrote. Kind of feels that way about what we've been talking about for the past two weeks. Feels confusing and hard to grasp. My stomach hurts...both my stomach and chest have been hurting on/off all week.

4 comments:

Tamara said...

Clueless,

I feel buzzy right before I dissociate a lot of times. Do you still feel buzzy today? Also, do you still have a problem with the heat? I feel the same as you - it makes me very, very weak like I can't stand up. No one has ever understood! I also have lupus and so cannot be in the sun. My mom was the same as yours at minimizing my illness or going so far as to get angry with me for not feeling well.

Guess this post really hit home with me all the way around.

Thanks and take good care,
Tamara

Clueless said...

I don't feel buzzy right now...I'm still trying to wake up it is about 6:30 am. I usually do once I am in session if things have been tough. I still have problems with the heat. Or AC has to be set at 76 degrees or I begin to get sick...expensive, but my husband says, "It is a need." With Lupus, you would be extremely sensitive. I think we relate because we connect on many things.

Take Care,
clueless

Anonymous Drifter said...

I can really relate to the effects of heat you mentioned. I too experience almost a fainting sensation. I also feel very sick to my stomach and weak. How horrible to not be taken seriously.

Clueless said...

Drifter, thank you...yes, it was horrible. I learned not to tell anyone when I was sick because I was seldom taken seriously.

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