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Thank you for visiting. Content MAY BE TRIGGERING ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED ABUSE, STRUGGLE WITH SELF-INJURY, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION OR AN EATING DISORDER. Contains graphic descriptions of suicidal thoughts, self-injury and emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Do not read further if you are not in a safe place. If you are triggered, please reach out to your support system, a mental health professional or call 911.

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Disclaimer: Although I have worked with persons with mental illness for twenty years, I do not have a Master's Degree or a license. This is not meant to be a substitute for mental health care or treatment. Please obtain professional assistance from the resources listed on the right of the page, if needed. And call 911 if you or someone is in immediate danger.

A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

One Hit Wonders 80 ~ 100

I decided to take a break from the "heavier" topics. So, for the next few days will be 20 One hit wonders taken from Saturday's list. So what is a one hit wonder? The term varies, but it is usually used as stated above. Also, it is used for artists who are known for one song.

Many one hit wonders reflect the culture or fads of that time period such as disco, CB era, video games. Because of this, there is often a nostalgic feeling. Some, may come from movies. Others occur because an artist from a group may make a solo hit outside of the group.

I really, really, really, really got carried away with this song list of 100. I had to stop myself because I could have gone on. I had a great time putting it together. I'm sure that there is something in my playlist that you will like. The songs are basically in alphabetical order. Because the list is so long, today is the whole list. Then...

Sunday ~ 1-19
Monday ~ 20-39
Tuesday ~ 40-59
Wednesday ~ 60-79
Thursday ~ 80-100
Friday ~ Whatever you come up with if I can find the music. I will also add a link back to the contributor.


Get a playlist! Standalone player Get Ringtones

What Would You Add To Saturday's Selection?

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

One Hit Wonders 60~79

I decided to take a break from the "heavier" topics. So, for the next few days will be 20 One hit wonders taken from Saturday's list. So what is a one hit wonder? The term varies, but it is usually used as stated above. Also, it is used for artists who are known for one song.

Many one hit wonders reflect the culture or fads of that time period such as disco, CB era, video games. Because of this, there is often a nostalgic feeling. Some, may come from movies. Others occur because an artist from a group may make a solo hit outside of the group.

I really, really, really, really got carried away with this song list of 100. I had to stop myself because I could have gone on. I had a great time putting it together. I'm sure that there is something in my playlist that you will like. The songs are basically in alphabetical order. Because the list is so long, today is the whole list. Then...

Sunday ~ 1-19
Monday ~ 20-39
Tuesday ~ 40-59
Wednesday ~ 60-79
Thursday ~ 80-100
Friday ~ Whatever you come up with if I can find the music. I will also add a link back to the contributor.


Get a playlist! Standalone player Get Ringtones



What Would You Add To Saturday's selections?

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

One Hit Wonders 40 ~ 59

I decided to take a break from the "heavier" topics. So, for the next few days will be 20 One hit wonders taken from Saturday's list. So what is a one hit wonder? The term varies, but it is usually used as stated above. Also, it is used for artists who are known for one song.

Many one hit wonders reflect the culture or fads of that time period such as disco, CB era, video games. Because of this, there is often a nostalgic feeling. Some, may come from movies. Others occur because an artist from a group may make a solo hit outside of the group.

I really, really, really, really got carried away with this song list of 100. I had to stop myself because I could have gone on. I had a great time putting it together. I'm sure that there is something in my playlist that you will like. The songs are basically in alphabetical order. Because the list is so long, today is the whole list. Then...

Sunday ~ 1-19
Monday ~ 20-39
Tuesday ~ 40-59
Wednesday ~ 60-79
Thursday ~ 80-100
Friday ~ Whatever you come up with if I can find the music. I will also add a link back to the contributor.


Get a playlist! Standalone player Get Ringtones
What Would You Add To Saturday's selections?

Monday, September 27, 2010

One Hit Wonders 20 ~ 39

I decided to take a break from the "heavier" topics. So, for the next few days will be 20 One hit wonders taken from Saturday's list. So what is a one hit wonder? The term varies, but it is usually used as stated above. Also, it is used for artists who are known for one song.

Many one hit wonders reflect the culture or fads of that time period such as disco, CB era, video games. Because of this, there is often a nostalgic feeling. Some, may come from movies. Others occur because an artist from a group may make a solo hit outside of the group.

I really, really, really, really got carried away with this song list of 100. I had to stop myself because I could have gone on. I had a great time putting it together. I'm sure that there is something in my playlist that you will like. The songs are basically in alphabetical order. Because the list is so long, today is the whole list. Then...

Sunday ~ 1-19
Monday ~ 20-39
Tuesday ~ 40-59
Wednesday ~ 60-79
Thursday ~ 80-100
Friday ~ Whatever you come up with if I can find the music. I will also add a link back to the contributor.



Get a playlist! Standalone player Get Ringtones


What Would You Add To Sunday's selections?

Sunday, September 26, 2010

One Hit Wonders 1 ~ 19

I decided to take a break from the "heavier" topics. So, for the next few days will be 20 One hit wonders taken from Saturday's list. So what is a one hit wonder? The term varies, but it is usually used as stated above. Also, it is used for artists who are known for one song.

Many one hit wonders reflect the culture or fads of that time period such as disco, CB era, video games. Because of this, there is often a nostalgic feeling. Some, may come from movies. Others occur because an artist from a group may make a solo hit outside of the group.

I really, really, really, really got carried away with this song list of 100. I had to stop myself because I could have gone on. I had a great time putting it together. I'm sure that there is something in my playlist that you will like. The songs are basically in alphabetical order. Because the list is so long, today is the whole list. Then...

Sunday ~ 1-19
Monday ~ 20-39
Tuesday ~ 40-59
Wednesday ~ 60-79
Thursday ~ 80-100
Friday ~ Whatever you come up with if I can find the music. I will also add a link back to the contributor.

Get a playlist! Standalone player Get Ringtones

What Would You Add?

Saturday, September 25, 2010

One Hit Wonders Day...Do you Remember...?

Today is National One Hit Wonder's Day!!!  A time to celebrate those artists who only had one top 40 hit on the Billboard charts, but live on in the music world.  So what is a one hit wonder? The term varies, but it is usually used as stated above.  Also, it is used for artists who are known for one song.  

Many one hit wonders reflect the culture or fads of that time period such as disco, CB era, video games.  Because of this, there is often a nostalgic feeling.  Some, may come from movies.  Others occur because an artist from a group may make a solo hit outside of the group. 

You are all getting to witness my love for music this month and as usual I really, really, really, really got carried away with this song list of 100.  I had to stop myself because I could have gone on.  I had a great time putting it together. I'm sure that there is something in my playlist that you will like.  The songs are basically in alphabetical order.  Because the list is so long, today is the whole list. Then...

Sunday ~ 1-19
Monday ~ 20-39
Tuesday ~ 40-59
Wednesday ~ 60-799
Thursday ~ 80-100
Friday ~ Whatever you come up with if I can find the music.  I will also add a link back to the contributor.

Get a playlist! Standalone player Get Ringtones

What would you add?

Friday, September 24, 2010

My 15 albums

I found this on J's blog, A Pen Itching to Bleed.  I honestly followed the rules, but came up with more than fifteen and I could have gone on..... Try this it is fun!

Rules: Don't take too long to think about it. Fifteen albums you've heard that will always stick with you. List the first fifteen you can recall in no more than fifteen minutes. Tag fifteen friends, including me because I'm interested in seeing what albums my friends choose.

To do this, go to your Notes tab on your profile page, click "Write a note", paste title and rules in......in no particular order... (*I could not find the "note" section, so I just went to J's blog post and let him know that I posted this.)
  1. The Best of Buffalo Springfield ~ Buffalo Springfield
  2. Physical & Clearly Love ~ Olivia Newton-John
  3. Voulez Vous ~ ABBA
  4. Deja Vu & Greatest Hits So Far ~ CSNY
  5. JT ~ James Taylor
  6. Tapestry ~ Carole King
  7. Vineyard Christian Singers ~ A Vineyard Christmas
  8. Main Course & Children of the World ~ Bee Gees
  9. Live Out Loud ~ Steven Curtis Chapman
  10. Shadow Dancing ~ Andy Gibb
  11. Barry Manilow Live ~ Barry Manilow
  12. Chicago 19 ~ Chicago
  13. Outside From the Redwoods ~ Kenny Loggins
  14. Goodbye Yellow Brick Road ~ Elton John
  15. John Denver's Greatest Hits ~ John Denver
  16. Beat It ~ Michael Jackson
  17. True Blue ~ Madonna
  18. Heaven on Earth ~ Belinda Carilsie
  19. Hard Days Night & Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band ~ Beatles
  20. Endless Summer & Pet Sounds ~ Beach Boys
  21. True ~ Spandau Ballet
  22. Straight Ahead ~ Amy Grant
  23. For Your Entertainment ~ Adam Lambert
  24. On a Clear Day ~ Barbra Streisand

Thursday, September 23, 2010

I Just Don't Know!!

I've been wanting to write an update as to how I'm doing, but I don't quite have the words to express myself.  I've been having difficulty since my birthday disappointments.  I've been fragmenting more frequently.  Feeling more depressed and hopeless and my suicidality and self-harm urges have increased in frequency and intensity. 

I know much of it has to do with disappointment.  Which leads to the above mentioned defenses; nonetheless, it has been quite difficult.  What occured on my birthday has really made me look at my relationship with my aunt.  Which has lead me down a very painful trail. My pain seems layered with other emotions and issues which I can't identify.  I've been needing to cry, but can't really seem to do so. 

Due to all of what has been going on for me inside, my therapy sessions have increased to five days per week on most weeks and having some two hour sessions.  Much of me feels in pain, but not all of me.

I'm really not sure what is going on...

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

World Alzheimer's Disease Awareness Day!!

Okay, this wasn't meant to be a joke, but the World Alzheimer's Disease Awareness Day was actually yesterday and I forgot.  You can stop laughing now!!  This disease is devastating for the person with it and for the friends and families of those who have this disease.  During the course of my career, I have helped families and clients of loved ones and also clients (who were developmentally disabled and already had difficulties in the same areas)  with coping and managing Alzheimer's Disease.  My eyes water now as I think of how difficult a disease it is...I have a heavy heart.  Please watch the videos and read this post.  If it hasn't effected you yet, it will eventually.


September 21st was World Alzheimer’s Day, and the Alzheimer’s Association asks people in the United States to join those around the world in turning their attention to this disease and joining the fight against it. The Alzheimer’s Association’s commitment to raising awareness on World Alzheimer’s Day is part of an accelerating worldwide effort to find better ways to treat the disease, delay its onset, or prevent it from developing.

Think about combing your hair and break down the tasks and movements that are actually involved.  Some lists may be long and some shorter.  I tend to be detailed, so mine gets long.  Look in mirror, deciding if I want a comb or brush, opening drawer, selecting among other items which one is it that I want to use, grab the item, look in mirror again, decide how I want to brush it (forward, back, side to side), then complete that task, grab the brush, put it back in the drawer, shut the drawer, etc..

It is something that we all do without thinking about it much, but it is actually quite a complicated action if you think of all the things that you need to remember.  For someone with memory problems, it can become problematic.  Think about all the decisions that you have to make everyday if taking care of your hair every morning actually requires this much memory.

Alzheimer's disease is a type of dementia and neither is a normal part of aging.  Yes, older adults will have some memory loss and other symptoms that my look like a much less significant normal part of growing older.

Dementia is the loss of ability to talk, remember, reason properly, affects everyday functioning.  The risk increases as one ages. 5.3 million Americans have Alzheimer's. It is America's seventh leading cause of death. It costs 7.2 billion in costs annually. 10.9 million are unpaid care providers.

African-Americans and Hispanics are at greater risk.  Although there appears to be no known genetic factor for these differences, the report examines the impact of health conditions like high blood pressure and diabetes, conditions that are prevalent in the African-American and Hispanic communities and how these conditions also increase Alzheimer risk.

Other types of dementia are vascular dementia (high blood pressure, stroke, heart disease), Parkinson's disease, Pick's disease, Creutzfelt-Jacobs disease, Huntington's and others.  Alzheimer's disease. is the most common type of dementia.  Other things that might look like dementia include sleep deprivation, stress, influenza, thyroid disease, eating disorder, urinary tract infection and others.

Alzheimer's disease can only truly be diagnosed when a person passes when a complete look at the internal tangles and plaques can be examined.  However, there are groups of symptoms for dementia in general such as gradually memory loss, repetitive questions, forgetting to eat, misplacing objects in unusable locations, having difficulty naming everyday objects, behavioral changes (aggressive behavior, depression), and physical changes (incontinence).  In difficulty with naming objects, the first to go are nouns, so they become descriptive such as "the thing I write with."  Remember there are other causes for this...I do this frequently, but do not have any form of dementia.  Their seems to be a small genetic link and early onset such as 40s and 50s can occur. 

The following is from the Alzheimer's Association:

Stage 1:
No impairment (normal function)
The person does not experience any memory problems. An interview with a medical professional does not show any evidence of symptoms.


Stage 2:
Very mild cognitive decline (may be normal age-related changes or earliest signs of Alzheimer's disease)
The person may feel as if he or she is having memory lapses — forgetting familiar words or the location of everyday objects. But no symptoms can be detected during a medical examination or by friends, family or co-workers.


Stage 3:
Mild cognitive decline
Early-stage Alzheimer's can be diagnosed in some, but not all, individuals with these symptoms

Friends, family or co-workers begin to notice difficulties. During a detailed medical interview, doctors may be able to detect problems in memory or concentration. Common stage 3 difficulties include:


•Noticeable problems coming up with the right word or name


•Trouble remembering names when introduced to new people


•Having noticeably greater difficulty performing tasks in social or work settings


•Forgetting material that one has just read


•Losing or misplacing a valuable object


•Increasing trouble with planning or organizing


Stage 4:
Moderate cognitive decline
(Mild or early-stage Alzheimer's disease)
At this point, a careful medical interview should be able to detect clear-cut problems in several areas:

•Forgetfulness of recent events


•Impaired ability to perform challenging mental arithmetic — for example, counting backward from 100 by 7s


•Greater difficulty performing complex tasks, such as planning dinner for guests, paying bills or managing finances


•Forgetfulness about one’s own personal history


•Becoming moody or withdrawn, especially in socially or mentally challenging situations

Stage 5:
Moderately severe cognitive decline
(Moderate or mid-stage Alzheimer's disease)
Gaps in memory and thinking are noticeable, and individuals begin to need help with day-to-day activities. At this stage, those with Alzheimer’s may:


•Be unable to recall their own address or telephone number or the high school or college from which they graduated


•Become confused about where they are or what day it is


•Have trouble with less challenging mental arithmetic, such as counting backward from 40 by subtracting 4s or from 20 by 2s


•Need help choosing proper clothing for the season or the occasion


•Still remember significant details about themselves and their family


•Still require no assistance with eating or using the toilet


Stage 6:
Severe cognitive decline
(Moderately severe or mid-stage Alzheimer's disease)
Memory continues to worsen, personality changes may take place and individuals need extensive help with daily activities. At this stage, individuals may:


•Lose awareness of recent experiences as well as of their surroundings


•Remember their own name but have difficulty with their personal history


•Distinguish familiar and unfamiliar faces but have trouble remembering the name of a spouse or caregiver


•Need help dressing properly and may, without supervision, make mistakes such as putting pajamas over daytime clothes or shoes on the wrong feet


•Experience major changes in sleep patterns — sleeping during the day and becoming restless at night


•Need help handling details of toileting (for example, flushing the toilet, wiping or disposing of tissue properly)


•Have increasingly frequent trouble controlling their bladder or bowels


•Experience major personality and behavioral changes, including speciousness and delusions (such as believing their caregiver is an impostor), or compulsive, repetitive behavior like hand-wringing or tissue shredding


•Tend to wander or become lost

Stage 7:
Very severe cognitive decline
(Severe or late-stage Alzheimer's disease)
In the final stage of this disease, individuals lose the ability to respond to their environment, to carry on a conversation and, eventually, to control movement. They may still say words or phrases.


At this stage, individuals need help with much of their daily personal care, including eating or using the toilet. They may also lose the ability to smile, to sit without support and to hold their heads up. Reflexes become abnormal. Muscles grow rigid. Swallowing impaired.

All of these stages can is individual and can occur from 6-20 years.  (Remember that these symptoms represent a change behavior, such as, I've always had difficulty with remembering the day of the week. But, since this is normal it should not be considered as a symptom of any type of dementia.

There are medications to slow the process down which generally is most effective in the initial stages.  A person with Alzheimer with difficulty with walking can manifest as not wanting to walk or choosing not to do so. This may occur due to loss of this task or a change in perception and vision.  If their are changes in the floor such as carpeting to tile, curb to pavement and many others. They see it as a hole in the ground, so would you want to step into a hole. It may help to accompany them or to step off first. 

Also there is a term called "sundowning."  When their are changes light, it makes it harder to see and will be scary, loose sense of safety and steadiness.  Shadows appear as holes and they will have difficulty with spatial ability and interpretation of shapes and become more tired.  Their are some things that you can do such as minimize glare, shadows and reflections by removing mirrors and cover windows.  Hand rubbing also calms a person.

If you are a care giver, utilize some of community resources and make sure that you take breaks and contact services that can help you.  Adult day care centers are a good community resource.  There they should have therapeutic socialization, activities, exercise which helps decrease "behavior.", increases self-esteem and sense of worth.

There is much more significant information that I have not covered. For more comprehensive information, complete a Google search on Alzheimer's Association.  This is the link for the Los Angeles chapter.  There are many chapters throughout the world.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Hidden Pieces: Sexual Abuse Continues

***TRIGGER WARNING*** ***TRIGGER WARNING*** (Graphic Description of Sexual Abuse)

I decided to begin retelling what I wrote to my therapist and I in the Winter/Spring of 2007 after four years of intense flashbacks and repressed memories emerging. [Current commentary is in brackets.] I wrote my seventy page "biography" because I needed to write out what I remembered and what I experienced to make it more "real" rather than a "story." I am ready to take the next step and putting more of it in my blog. This was the original reason for starting my blog and using my journal as a starting point. I am still struggling with believing that the following is the truth of my life:

[During my process of remembering, I began to have flashbacks about different work situations which I write about below.  Remember these occurances were from 1989 to 2000, but I am only making connections or remembering in 2007ish] 

I don’t think that my step-father stopped raping me when we moved to the our new house…After talking about the popsicle incidents, I keep having flashes of him surprising me when I opened my second room where I studied and he was in there…waiting for me to come home. When I went to leave, he grabbed the upper portion of my right arm leaving small bruises and dragged me back in closing the door. The next thing I remember was being on the floor naked and wet. 

I do know that the moment I saw those eyes I began to go away…float away, like I was watching from above and didn’t feel anything. But, I am beginning to remember how it hurt when he grabbed me and pushed me to the ground putting his knee into my thigh which really hurt…I did have a bruise. I was terrified as he also was yelling at me to never walk away from him again or he would kill me.

He practically tore off all of my clothing…actually my underwear had been torn, so I threw it away. Then, he put his hands on my shoulders pushing me down with my shoulders as he penetrated me and with every thrust. I remember feeling really bad as the pain was excruciating, but sometimes it sort of felt good…hard to explain. I feel really bad that it partly felt good and even when I was younger it partly felt good sometimes, but that doesn’t mean I enjoyed it or wanted him to do it…it feels like my body betrayed me. [When my husband and I would have sex, when he had his hands on my shoulders…I would feel a little panicked and have a brief flashback which I kept ignoring until I started talking to you about the memories.]

While being raped, sometimes my step-father would dig his nails into my shoulders…I had some bruises on my upper arms, thigh, shoulders and scratches with some open skin on my shoulders. I remember the carpet moving under me. Sometimes, he would kiss me on the lips and stick his tongue in my mouth. When he was finished, he kicked me in the leg and told me to get dressed which was the next room over, so of course he watched. I quickly put my bathrobe on and took my clothes into the restroom where I cleaned up looked at my scratches and bruises before I got dressed. I felt so dirty literally and figuratively. I had some blood and semen on my legs, but for some reason I remember I was not allowed to take a shower, but I really wanted to do so.

I remember two other times and I think that he stopped then before 7th grade, which was the beginning of junior high school when I was only eleven years old. I think I almost immediately blocked it out as in Junior High school, I do not remember having any conscious memory of any sexual abuse other than the inappropriateness of some of his actions. I have a hunch it happened a little more often, but not much more. Each time, he surprised me when I opened a door.

Once was when I opened the door to my bathroom and he shoved me to the ground and raped me on my bathroom floor. I remember thinking I hope I don’t pee because I really had to go. My bladder and everything else really hurt, but I held it until he was through. Then, I had difficulty going…like now. The other time was when I opened the front door and he immediately grabbed me told me that he had been waiting for me, with that weird look in his eyes…the one where I knew he was going to do something awful to me. He dragged me up stairs into my study and again violently raped me leaving me with scratches and bruises…of course I could hide them.

I stopped studying in that room and moved to my bedroom or family room even when he wasn’t home. The room no longer felt like it was mine. Of course, everything was done with me making almost no sound, no crying, no resistance; I hid or cleaned up any evidence and never ever told anyone. I so much just feel like dying. After that I began to check behind every door as soon as I came home before I would begin to do anything or could relax some. I absolutely need to know where everyone was…like needing to know where my husband is at home.

“Relaxing” when you are constantly on edge, on guard and afraid for your life makes life very confusing. It is actually an oxymoron, but it was how I lived all the time. Even though, I don’t remember him raping me, I kept checking the house when I came home just to know where everyone was or to make sure no one was home…[I still do this. I always thought I was just trying to be safety conscious, but there is more to this.] I also remember being unable to breathe sometimes when I was raped, as there was too much pressure on my chest. I thought I was going to die sometimes. I also think that I immediately or very quickly forgot about many incidents especially these as I don’t remember much of sixth grade and did not remember these events in junior high school.

This just can't be the way life was...just can't...reality sucks!

Monday, September 20, 2010

A Return to Pooh Corner!!

Over the weekend, my husband and I saw Kenny Loggins in concert.  We were center eleven rows back...great seats.  He is one of my favorite artists and I love him in concert because he interacts a lot with the audience and shares stories.  The story in the below video is one that he told.

Emotionally, I began to panic when I was closed in and felt like I was completely surrounded by people and startled at sudden talking or noise.  I also was really irritated with the woman behind me who was with a bunch of other women.  She first put her handbag on the back of my chair and I accidently knocked it off.  Then, she put her feet on my chair and I accidently sat on them when I moved back in my chair. Then, she grabbed on to the side of my chair and I purposely leaned on it. The final straw, even though I didn't say anything was when she keep hitting my hair while clapping...sheesh.

However, I was surprised and frustrated by my breathing and stamina.  I wanted to sing and dance, but my body didn't cooperate.  I wonder if the other concerts being outdoors helped.  But, this time, I kept coughing and was exhaused and winded midway through the two hour concert.  I slept ALL day the next day.  I am again reminded that my pneumonia last year was serious and that I am still recovering and need to be gentle with myself...But, I want to sing and dance!!!

It is a victory that I wanted to do this and I got through the evening without an emotional melt down.

The concert seemed too short as there were many songs that he didn't sing that I wanted to hear, but I don't think he or I would have lasted much longer.  One difficulty was his in ear monitor which wasn't working properly, so his voice was off key at parts or he had difficulty singing.  I hope others knew that and didn't attribute it to his singing because he still sounds fantastic. (And is still very cute!! I almost touched his hand.  I was close enough when he came into the audience)  I had a great time.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

"Here With Me" ~ MercyMe ~ Worship in Song



"Here With Me"

I long for your embrace
Every single day
To meet you in this place
And see you face to face

Will you show me?
Reveal yourself to me
Because of your mercy
I fall down on my knees

And I can feel your presence here with me
Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty
Caught up in the wonder of your touch
Here in this moment I surrender to your love

You're everywhere I go
I am not alone
You call me as your own
To know you and be known

You are holy
And I fall down on my knees

I can feel your presence here with me
Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty
Caught up in the wonder of your touch
Here in this moment I surrender to your love

I surrender to your grace
I surrender to the one who took my place

I can feel your presence here with me
Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty
Caught up in the wonder of your touch
Here in this moment I surrender:

I can feel your presence here with me
Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty
Caught up in the wonder of your touch
Here in this moment I surrender to your love

Saturday, September 18, 2010

International Eat An Apple Day!!

Today is International Eat an Apple Day.  Its inception is to promote the beginning of fall with its vivid color and crispness, celebrate by eating an apple, the fruit of the fall season. It is always the the third Saturday in September.

Turns out an apple a day could really keep the doctor away.

1. A medium apple has just 60-100 calories, virtually no fat and no sodium.

2. Its 5 grams of fiber and 20 grams of carbs make it a filling snack.

3. Apples' fiber, pectin, antioxidants and other compounds can lower bad (LDL) cholesterol and raise good (HDL) cholesterol.

4. The flavonoids and other phytochemicals in apples help protect against lung and colon cancer

5. Apples contain boron, a mineral that helps maintain bone density and protect against heart disease.

6. The tannins prevent tooth decay, gum disease and urinary-tract infections.

7. Eating an apple a day (with skin) can guard against stroke.

8. The vitamins and antioxidants in apples may help prevent age-related vision loss.

9. The quercetin (a flavonoid) may fight cancer better than vitamin C does.

10. Apples are a good source of folic acid, a B vitamin that helps prevent serious birth defects as well as heart disease.

Well, I'm off to eat a apple or two.  What about you?

Friday, September 17, 2010

5 on Friday

Last week, I saw this meme by Mike of Mike's Place.  Here are the rules:

If you'd like to join us in the musical fun, the guidelines are basic and simple.

  1. Go to Playlist.com to make your play list of five songs. You may choose a particular theme to share with us, or post random tunes if that's your vibe for the day. You can simply post the play list, or you can add a little summary about what you are sharing.
  2. Don't feel restricted by the tracks listed on Playlist.com. And don't be discouraged if the Embed code won't work. You're welcome to use any type of media to share your Sets.
  3. Be sure to sign Mr Linky so everyone can visit your Set.
No tags, but feel free to invite your friends to play along if they need a post topic on a Friday.

I've been a bit more depressed for the past few weeks and my selections reflect that. I hope that you enjoy the music. They are still good songs.


Get a playlist! Standalone player Get Ringtones

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Eating Disorder Update

I sit here wanting to write an update on my progress with my eating disorder, but I must be defending because here I just sit!!  For those of you who don't know, I am anorexic.  However, due to medical issues over the past 18 months, I have gained more than 60 pounds.  I find it difficult to lose weight without reverting to my eating disordered patterns.

Well, first off, I decided that I was not ready to really utilize my dietician right now.  Bottomline is that this is a bigger problem than I ever imagined, but I guess more than 30 years of disordered eating is hard to overcome.  My therapist and psychiatrist are addressing these issues with me.  My psychiatrist was a specialist in eating disorders for more than 20 years which I didn't know when I started seeing him.

I know that my body is toner than before as my clothes are fitting better and I'm wearing smaller sizes.  Those close to me say that I look like I've lost weight. However, the numbers on the scale are not budging.  I know that muscle mass is heavier, but I am sooooo focused on the numbers.  I know that I should get rid of the scale, but I need to weigh myself periodically for my infusion treatment. 

I just want to lose the weight.  Just lower the scale numbers.  I want to lose weight faster and I know how to do it.  I know that it isn't healthy.  But, I know that once I get to the weight that I want that I can maintain it...actually, there is no end to stopping losing weight.  The compliments make me want to lose faster and more.  I'm really catagorizing food into "good" and "bad" foods...danger!!!  I also know that with the issues that are coming up in therapy that my eating disorder is really kicking up as it is a defense too.

I hate eating disorders!!!

Monday, September 13, 2010

On Being Borderline ~ Poem

***TRIGGER WARNING***  ***TRIGGER WARNING***

I originally posted this last week, but it really wasn't finished.  I was in a rush to post it.  So, now I'm posting the most finished one.  I usually don't write poetry, but sometimes I get into this mode where my head keeps "writing," so I end up writing a poem.  The poem is in my head and writes itself, so it takes very little time except for the stuff that I add. 

ON BEING BORDERLINE

Thoughts of suicide fill my head
Too often wishing that I were dead?

Too young to have these thoughts as a child
Instead, I just smiled

Not wanting to feel rage or pain
Hopelessness continues to fill me again

Inside numbing, dissociating and dying
I vowed no one will ever see my crying

Wanting comfort, care and not to feel so alone
Unable to obtain even when she was home

I found comfort in many forms of addictions and self-abuse
Sometimes, trying other things is what I refuse

Emptiness that aches so much
But, so afraid to be touched

Never without a suicidal thought filling my head
Pain and rage is what I need to express instead

Suicide and self harm are not for attention
It means that my feelings need healthy expression

Hoplessness sometimes runs so deep
Most of the time I just cry and go to sleep

Fragmenting is so hard to manage
Sometimes, causes unwanted damage

Relationships a rollercoaster and a mess
Fear of abandoment is what makes me stress

I push those away that I want close is what I do
Then, panicking when feeling they might leave is my issue

Feelings of abandonment is constantly what I fear
From even those I know hold me dear

Too many intense feelings inside and too many thoughts in my head
Makes me want to scream and scream instead

Sometimes, emotions in such chaos and a blur
That I don’t care what I do or what occurs

Emotions and thoughts that seem to run amok
And, sometimes what I do or say indicates I don’t give a fuck

Wanting desperately for someone to completely understand
Which is something that is only in Fantasyland

Trust no one is what I learned
Remains a huge issue as I don’t want to get burned

Ambivalence is a key issue for a Borderline
I’m constantly saying I’m just fine

I see my world filled with “good” and “bad”
All the time knowing that I am bad and feel sad

I don’t know who I am you see
So I try to get you to tell me who to be

Please tell me what I feel
Because suppression is my deal

Trying to hide from everything
Including just being

When will I ever be well
Sometimes, never is what I can tell

Being Borderline really sucks
I still feel so fucked up

People tell me that I am strong
Inside I say they are wrong

Memories that still haunt me
Makes me feel that I can’t be

Trying to hide from everything
Including just being

When will I ever be well
Sometimes, never is what I can tell

Thank God for the Father above
For he is teaching me about self-love

Be courages He reminds
Sometimes, that I cannot find

He has promised to turn my mourning into dancing
At times, this I feel and other times I feel nothing

It is by faith in myself and God I must take
Even though I may feel like a fake

Your continually teaching me to trust

Even when I fuss

In Your arms, I need to be
Even when that may mean through human arms I see

© 2010 ClinicallyClueless

What else would you add?

Saturday, September 11, 2010

September 11, 2001 ~ Remember

I can’t believe it’s been 9 years since that day. I know everyone has a different story for that day. I live in Los Angeles, California basin area and the television would wake me up at 5:30 am, but I usually would stay in bed sleeping until 6:30-7:00 am…not a morning person. But, I kept hearing about a plane hitting one of the twin towers and thought if was some fluke accident, but they kept talking about it, so I opened my eyes to see the first tower burning and thought that was a large plan. Was it and accident or terrorism? I just sat watching and then I watched as the second plane hit. At first, I thought, “I didn’t just see what I think I saw.” At the same time, I heard the newsanchor say something similar.

Then, I knew the US was under attack. I quickly went to the restroom where my husband was sitting and was not thinking and asked him, “are you watching the news?” Well, of course, he wasn’t and would have made fun of me, but I had such a serious look on my face. He left for work and I got ready for work. I watched in horror as the first tower completely collapsed and disintegrated. I felt like something had hit my body, felt tremendous grief and knew the it was only a matter of time that the other would do the same. I prayed for and imagined how many lives were in the building and of their loved ones. My heart ached. Then, I quickly grabed a 4 1/2 inch television to take to work. On the way to work, I know exactly where I was on the freeway when the second tower hit. There were rumors about one on the way to Los Angeles international, Disneyland, etc…

I got to work and forgot about my meeting until three days later. We were all there watching my little television on and off throughout the day. I had it on the edge of my desk next to my guest chair, so people stopped by during the day, but no one got work done and rumors were flying. They were trying to figure if they should send us home or not…we left early figuring no one could work anyway.

I hadn’t cried at all, but two days later I went home early because of a tremendous migraine, turned on the television as the American flag was being unfurled on the Petagon and burst into sobs. I had suppressed crying until then. I slept for three hours and felt better. It was eerily quiet with only fighter jets passing occasionally…we live near a National Guard station. Not seeing a plane in the sky anywhere near LAX was surreal as was the whole event. I never realized how much air traffic there was.

People were nicer, more polite, more patient and friendlier even on the freeways. But, within a month’s time it was back to normal. I think, it has changed the world in many ways and not necessarily for the better. Today, I feel much grief. I also, think that I’m on the other side of the country and at that time didn’t know anyone in New York, I can’t image the overwhelming grieving process and trauma that they have endured. My heart and prayers goes out to everyone who was effected, but especially to those who lost someone that day or as a result of it.

Please share your experience or say whatever you need to say regarding that day.

Friday, September 10, 2010

World Suicide Prevention Day!!!

What to do if you think a person is having suicidal thoughts? I obtained this information off the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (USA) site. You cannot predict death by suicide, but you can identify people who are at increased risk for suicidal behavior, take precautions, and refer them for effective treatment.
Ask the person directly if he or she (1) is having suicidal thoughts/ideas, (2)has a plan to do so, and (3) has access to lethal means

Ask “Are you thinking about killing yourself?” “Have you ever tried to hurt yourself before?” “Do you think you might try to hurt yourself today?” “Have you thought of ways that you might hurt yourself?” “Do you have pills/weapons in the house?”

This won’t increase the person’s suicidal thoughts. It will give you information that indicates how strongly the person has thought about killing him- or herself.

IS PATH WARM?

Ideation—Threatened or communicated
Substance abuse—Excessive or increased

Purposeless—No reasons for living
Anxiety—Agitation/Insomnia
Trapped—Feeling there is no way out
Hopelessness

Withdrawing—From friends, family, society
Anger (uncontrolled)—Rage, seeking revenge
Recklessness—Risky acts, unthinking
Mood changes (dramatic)

If it is then, call for help. The following are some resources most of which are international:

http://suicidehotlines.com/national.html
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
http://suicidehotlines.com/international.html
http://suicideandmentalhealthassociationinternational.org/Crisis.html
http://www.befrienders.org/
http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html

Suicide Myths and Facts from Healthy Place


Myth: People who talk about killing themselves rarely commit suicide.
Fact: Most people who commit suicide have given some verbal clues or warning of their intention.

Myth: The tendency toward suicide is inherited and passed from generation to generation.
Fact: Although suicidal behavior does tend to run in families, it does not appear to be transmitted genetically.

Myth: The suicidal person wants to die and feels that there is no turning back.
Fact: Suicidal people are usually ambivalent about dying and frequently will seek help immediately after attempting the harm themselves.

Myth: All suicidal people are deeply depressed.
Fact: Although depression is often closely associated with suicidal feelings, not all people who kill themselves are obviously depressed. In fact some suicidal people appear to be happier than they've been in years because they have decided to "resolve" all of their problems by killing themselves. Also, people who are extremely depressed usually do not have the energy to kill themselves.

Myth: There is no correlation between alcoholism and suicide.
Fact: Alcoholism and suicide often go hand in hand. Alcoholics are prodded to suicidal behavior and even people who don't normally drink will often ingest alcohol shortly before killing themselves.

Myth: Suicidal people are mentally ill.
Fact: Although many suicidal people are depressed and distraught, most could not be diagnosed as mentally ill; perhaps only about 25 percent of them are actually psychotic.

Myth: Once someone attempts suicide, that person will always entertain thoughts of suicide.
Fact: Most people who are suicidal are so for only a very brief period once in their lives. If the person receives the proper support and assistance, he/she will probably never be suicidal again. Only about 10 percent of the people who attempt later kill themselves.

Myth: If you ask someone about their suicidal intentions, you will only encourage them to kill themselves.
Fact: Actually the opposite is true. Asking someone directly about their suicidal intentions will often lower their anxiety level and act as a deterrent to suicidal behavior by encouraging the ventilation of pent-up emotions through a frank discussion of his problems.

Myth: Suicide is quite common among the lower class.
Fact: Suicide crosses all socioeconomic distinctions and no one class is more susceptible to it than another.

Myth: Suicidal people rarely seek medical attention.
Fact: Research has consistently shown that about 75 percent of suicidal people will visit a physician within the month before they kill themselves.


Is Suicide a Choice? "No. Choice implies that a suicidal person can reasonably look at alternatives and select among them. If they could rationally choose, it would not be suicide. Suicide happens when all other alternatives are exhausted -- when no other choices are seen."~ Adina Wrobleski Suicide: Why? (1995)

“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.” ~ Norman Cousins

“Have the courage to live. Anyone can die.” ~Robert Cody

"If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide." ~Mahatma Gandhi

“As anyone who has been close to someone that has committed suicide knows, there is no other pain like that felt after the incident” ~ Peter Greene

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Wired for Sound Wednesday

This started out as one thing and ended up being a long play list and a couple of videos of my all time favorite music artists. The songs on the Playlist are in chronological order with the oldest being first.  I hope you enjoy some of it.  I have to come and visit my own site...I like the music...duh!!


Get a playlist! Standalone player Get Ringtones


Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Just Because...

Despite my digging my heels in...I became a fan of Lady Gaga's music. She really does have a great voice..."sigh." Pulled in by her tractor beam!! Scotty, get me out of here!!



ALEJANDRO by Lady Gaga
I know that we are young,
And I know that you may love me,
But I just can't be with you like this anymore,
Alejandro

She's got both hands
In her pocket
And she wont look at you
Won't look you at
She hides through love
En su bolsillo
She got a halo around her finger
Around you

You know that I love you boy
Hot like Mexico, rejoice
At this point I gotta choose
Nothing to loose

Don't call my name
Don't call my name, Alejandro
I'm not your babe
I'm not your babe, Fernando
Don't wanna kiss, don't wanna touch
Just smoke one cigarette and run
Don't call my name
Don't call my name, Roberto

(Alejandro
Alejandro
Ale-ale-jandro
Ale-ale-jandro) x2


(Just stop
Please, Just let me go Alejandro, Just let me go)

She's not broken
She's just a baby
But her boyfriend's like a dad, just like a dad
Draw those flames that burn before him
Now he's gonna find a fight, gonna fool the bad

You know that I love you boy
Hot like Mexico, rejoice
At this point I gotta choose
Nothing loose

Don't call my name
Don't call my name, Alejandro
I'm not your babe
I'm not your babe, Fernando
Don't wanna kiss, don't wanna touch
Just smoke one cigarette and run
Don't call my name
Don't call my name, Roberto

(Alejandro
Alejandro
Ale-ale-jandro
Ale-ale-jandro) x2


Dont bother me,
Dont bother me, Alejandro
Dont call my name,
Dont call my name, Bye Fernando
I'm not you're babe,
I'm not you're babe, Alejandro
Don't wanna kiss, don't wanna touch,
Fernando

Dont call my name,
Dont call my name, Alejandro
I'm not you're babe,
I'm not you're babe, Fernando
Don't wanna kiss don't wanna touch.
Just smoke one Ciggarette and run.
Don't call my name,
Don't call my name,
Roberto.

(Alejandro
Alejandro
Ale-ale-jandro
Ale-ale-jandro) x2


Don't call my name,
Don't call my name, Alejandro.
I'm not you're babe,
I'm not you're babe, Fernando
Don't wanna kiss, don't wanna touch
Just Smoke one Ciggarette and run.
Don't call my name,
Don't call my name, Roberto.


(Alejandro
Alejandro
Ale-ale-jandro
Ale-ale-jandro) x2

(WARNING SOME CONTENT MAY BE OFFENSIVE TO SOME)


YOU'RE A HOMO by Sherry Vine
Parody of Alejandro

I KNOW THAT YOU ARE SCARED AND I KNOW THAT YOU LIKE TO HIDE IN YOUR SECRET WORLD BUT I JUST CAN'T LET YOU GET AWAY WITH IT ANYMORE. YOU'RE A HOMO

YOU LIKE YOUR SEX, IN PUBLIC TOILETS

SO NO ONE CAN SEE YOU, THEY CAN'T SEE YOU

OR AT THE PARK, IN THE BUSHES

BUT WHERE'S THAT WEDDING RING I SAW ON YOU

AND WHEN YOU VOTE AGAINST ME

FROM THE CAPITOL IN DC

CAN'T YOU SEE THAT YOU CREATE, A WORLD OF HATE

SHOULD FEEL ASHAMED, YOU'RE A HOMO

NO ONE TO BLAME, YOU'RE A HOMO

DON'T WANT NO MUFF, YOU LIKE THAT DICK

YOU ARE A LYING HYPOCRITE

SHOULD FEEL ASHAMED, YOU'RE A HOMO

YOU'RE A HOMO. HONEY, YOU'RE A HOMO

PLEASE. JUST STOP LYING. YOU'RE A HOMO. JUST COME OUT!

YOU SAY I'M SICK, I'M JUST A SINNER

BUT I AM NOT THE ONE MOLESTING BOYS

AND ALL THOSE PEOPLE THAT YOU TORTURE

THEIR GHOSTS WILL FILL YOUR HEAD WITH DEAFENING NOISE

AND WHEN YOU USE RELIGION

AS A FRONT FOR OPPRESSION

CAN'T YOU SEE THAT YOU CREATE A WORLD OF HATE

CHORUS

THERE IS NO SHAME, YOU'RE A HOMO

NO ONE TO BLAME, YOU'RE A HOMO

LIFE'S JUST A GAME, YOU'RE A HOMO

I AM THE SAME, I'M A HOMO

THERE IS NO SHAME, I'M A HOMO

NO ONE TO BLAME, I'M A HOMO

SO SAY IT NOW, AND SAY IT LOUD

IT'S TIME TO LIVE OUT AND PROUD

I AM THE SAME, I'M A HOMO

Monday, September 6, 2010

Sunday, September 5, 2010

"You're The One" ~ Chris Tomlin ~ Worship in Song


You're The One

I heard Your song coming over the hill
I knew it seemed like the world stood still
You were singin a melody that caught me by surprise
Yeah it sounded familiar to me, like I'd known it all my life

And I keep looking down as I move in closer
My heart is racing now with fear and wonder
Could I come back to You so long on my own
From where I am, I know this is not my home

Chorus
('Cause) You're the one I believe
A king, and friend has always been holding onto me
You're the one that I have seen
Your life and death the endless breath breathing into me

Just the mention of Your name and I know, I know I've found love
'Cause You're the one

High in a hidden world is where You are found
Where every living thing circles around
I find myself again where I used to be
With the rescued ones falling on my knees

Chorus
('Cause) You're the one I believe
A king, and friend has always been holding onto me
You're the one that I have seen
Your life and death the endless breath breathing into me

Just the mention of Your name and I know, I know I've found love
'Cause You're the one

In Your presense there is mercy
In the fear, joy and the tears
It's Your goodness that keeps on, keeps on calling us here
Drawing us near

Chorus
('Cause) You're the one I believe
A king, and friend has always been holding onto me
You're the one that I have seen
Your life and death the endless breath breathing into me

Just the mention of Your name and I know, I know I've found love
'Cause You're the one

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