Past Journal Entry: Mother's Hitting ~ Part V

**TRIGGER WARNING**   **TRIGGER WARNING**

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: January 26, 2006

...I also keep remembering being startled awake by the vacuum cleaner and my mother screaming my name and for me to come help as  I already was supposed to know.  Sometimes, the door would come flying open and she would be constantly screaming "that I was bad, should know better, was lazy, should have been up, made too much of a mess and need to hurry and help." 

I felt so overwhelmed and had difficulty comprehending as I was startled awake.  When we move the the house, I immediately jumped out of bed and got dressed, but when I was younger it seemed more difficult to understand and to wake up which only seemed to anger her more.  I keep seeing the attachments being thrown at me and I would duck, so I didn't get hit.  I think she was trying to hit me.  It really scared me.  She seemed like someone else.

Kept seeming like she asked me to do things that I didn't understand, but I better give her some attachment.  If I gave her the wrong one, she would say I was stupid and should know the difference between the attachments.  I tried really hard to remember, but couldn't always remember, so I felt really bad and scared.  If I gave her the wrong one she would throw it at me, hen she would start pointing the right one out with the long tubes, but would hit me with the tubes if, but would hit me with the tubes if she was on the chair reaching the corners.  If she was lower sometimes I'd get hit with the tubes or she would just slap me.  Cleaning the bathroom, the floors and dusting usually ended up in me getting hit and almost always being called names and being screamed at when I was younger.  I was easier when I was older.

The whole cleaning the house thing was such a nightmare and I was so confused, terrified and felt bad...I couldn't do anything right...everything was bad.  I was bad...I made too much of a mess.  I should have known more, so that I could help her better.  I shouldn't have been taller and stronger.  I should have gotten up earlier.  I was really terrified and felt so bad and confused and frustrated that I couldn't remember or do what she wanted.  The screaming at me seemed so constant.

I really felt as if I were a bad person all the time from a very young age and terrified at some level from either her, my father or step-father.  And I felt so alone.  It is really painful if I let myself feel some of this .  I'm tired of crying, but I feel like I'm holding back my tears...felt like I did that last night with the tears getting caught in my throat and chest.

I never did cry, scream or say anything.  I just waited for her to stop and just went away.  It feels like I really taught myself not to make a sound, no matter how much emotional or physical pain I was in.  I always felt like I did something wrong or that something really bad was going to happen if I did.  Sometimes, felt like I was a bad person and deserved to die.  I felt really bad on so many different levels.  It is hard for me to think of my mother or step-father as abusive, in my head.  I had to make it something else.  I really feel like crying and like I need to hurt myself or die.

Comments and Observations:  I am really numb, so I don't really have anything to say.  This did continue from maybe six years old to fifteen, at least the physical part of it.  I'm feeling a little sick right now.  This is the last of journal entry dated January 26, 2006 in the morning.

Past Journal Entry: Mother Hitting ~ Part IV

**TRIGGER WARNING**  **TRIGGER WARNING**

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY:  January 26, 2006

...I also keep remembering the sound of her talking the ruler out of the desk drawer or the piece of wood off the window sill.  She didn't spank me very often, but when she did she was always yelling at me.  It was also embarrassing to have my underwear pulled down and felt so exposed and vulnerable.  She would hit so hard, sometimes I felt like I could pass out or vomit.  Felt so trapped.

Then, it was always painful to pull my underwear and pants up and to sit.  And, it never seemed to make sense to me...often times, I didn't even know if I didn't anything wrong...Actually, I don't think I was.  Usually we were the only ones home.  Again, I didn't cry, scream or say anything...I remember just staring at the silver knobs of the closed cabinets.  She was sooo angry and out of control.  I was afraid that he wasn't going to stop.  She kept yelling at me the whole time.  I think that she stopped when she became tired...often times, I bled. 

When I actually did do something wrong and she did discipline me, she would lecture me and raise her voice unless she was out of control.  When, I became older, she took away privileges.  And when we moved out of my Grandparents and into the duplex and later to a house, she started using a yardstick, but she would also tease or mimic spanking me with it whenever she felt like it...feel like crying now.

Comments and Observations:  I really don't feel like making any comments or observations as I feel as if I'm really disconnecting from this entry.

Past Journal Entry: Mother Hitting ~ Part III

**TRIGGER WARNING**   **TRIGGER WARNING**

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ January 26, 2006

...And, I keep hearing her open the front door when we lived at Grandpa and Grandma's and her heels coming down the hall and seeing the door fly open and the look on her face really scared me because I'd never seen her that angry with me.  I so much wanted to hide.  Then, I keep seeing her hand coming toward my face and feel her her slapping me.  I wanted so much to scream and to cry out in pain...it hurt so much and I remember the slap pushed me to the ground.  At the time, she was yelling at me it was my fault that she was having problems with finding a job and problems with my father.  It was my fault that she even had to speak with him.  She wished that I never was born as I caused her so many problems. [I was probably about four years old]

After she slapped me and I was completely on the ground, she started to hit me with her fist on my shoulders and back...not very hard though...still I wanted to cry and scream.  I was scared to do so because she would only become more angry.  I was also afraid that someone would hear because I didn't want anyone to yell at her or get angry with her.  Then, we both pretended that nothing happened. [Continued pattern...]

After that incident, she  just stared to slap me frequently when she was angry or frustrated about anything.  I learned to listen very carefully how she opened the doors or walked.  But, I was always terrified of the door opening...not knowing for sure what would happen.  I was really confusing because, her coming home used to be a happy experience. [Her Borderline Personality Disorder in its glory.]

I also keep flashing back to her pushing me to the ground when I tried to comfort her sometimes when she was crying after talking with my father [sometimes it was okay].  I guess, I didn't read her right...she was really angry and I should have left her alone, but at the time, I didn't understand yet when it was okay to approach her and try to comfort and when she was angry and I should leave her alone.

I remember during one of the times that she pushed and then slapped me that I crawled into the corner which was close and covered my heard and she kept yelling at me about how it was my fault that she had to talk to my father and than I caused problems.  She kept slapping my head, shoulders and back, but Grandma intervened and told her to stop.  Then, my aunt came and we colored together.

Comments and Observations: At this point, we were living with my Grandparent's and aunt and uncle following the separation and subsequent divorce of my parents.  The divorce was quite nasty with many police visits, restraining orders, constant screaming, and my aunt's dog being killed after my father ran over her in a rage as he left.  I was probably 3-5 years old.  I'm having difficulty with feeling about this other than I am telling a story to you. DEFENSE.  More tomorrow.

Past Journal Entry: Mother Hitting ~ Part II

**TRIGGER WARNING **   **TRIGGER WARNING**

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ January 26, 2006 continued

...The last several sessions and remembering what my mother did has been extremely difficult.  It is really hard for me to look at what she did.  I had to make her safe and I have been really surprised by the amount of things I've said and how scared I was.  She really terrified me. 

Also realized that you are a safe place for me and the initially it does feel good to talk, be listened to and comforted.  Also, hard to trust...keep thinking that you are going to turn on me or go away.  But it does feel good to geel safe with you and comforted...I can't seem to do that for myself right now.  There seems to be so much in my head...feels like I need to keep talking even if I'm repeating myself...I never said anything and no one really knew.  [This was a HUGE step for me and more so to verbalize it.]

I keep hearing her yelling at me that, "I'm bad...shouldn't have been born...it is my fault...I should know better...can't do anything right...don't listen enough...you're selfish...dramatic...cause all the problems with Gene and my father...deserve to be punished...never been born... too much trouble...need too much attention...to sensitive...he could kill you...ungrateful...you're bad...and it goes on and on."  Makes me feel really bad or realize how I felt like that all the time.  It is so loud and constant.

Observations and Comments:  Writing this post reminds me of how much verbal abuse I took and internalized.  It still effects me today.  I keep going back to "it wasn't that bad."  Even, now I am trying to go there.  More to come tomorrow.

Past Journal Entry: Mother Hitting ~ Part I

**TRIGGER WARNING**  **TRIGGER WARNING**

Now, it is time to confuse you again especially new readers.  This blog started out the way that it has been posted for this past year with the addition of my PAST JOURNAL ENTRIES.  This was quite healing as I was able to tell my story to others and receive some feedback.  Well, I am going to start adding my PAST JOURNAL ENTRIES again with my current day comments in [brackets].  All entries are address to my therapist, Gary, and was read to him during my sessions.

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ January 26, 2006

Gary,

I'm feeling really panicky and overwhelmed this morning.  I again had difficulty trying to get ready...ended up sitting on the floor in the hall tearing up.  Felt like, I didn't know what I was supposed to do.  Fells like I can't face the day...everything feels threatening and overwhelming.  Almost like I'm afraid to leave the house.  Feeling immobilized.  I took my PRNs, so hopefully that will help.  Feels like I just want to cry, wanting to bruise, cut and the suicidal thoughts are loud.   [At this point in time, I am really depressed and working full time.  It is beginning to take a toll on me.]

I haven't slept well for the past couple of nights.  Kept having nightmares and flashbacks.  Although, I only woke up a few times, I awoke in a panic, feeling trapped and like I couldn't escape and about to get slapped. [What doesn't come out during waking hours gets out somehow.  I was beginning to learn that I needed to talk with my therapist about the thoughts and flashbacks that I was having.]

Last night, when you asked if I wanted to talk about the flashbacks, I wasn't sure, but when I left one of my first thoughts was I really wanted to talk.  I get frustrated because I have to fight through so much just to feel, think or talk and sometimes, like last night, I wasn't very successful.

Last night, I felt bad about a couple of things you said.  One, was not feeling safe for Adrian [husband] to come back to bed...felt like you were telling me that I should be able to do so. The other was talking about my mother last.  I took it to mean that the stuff with my father and Gene [step-father] were not important or significant. [Borderline fragmenting.]

Comments and Observations:  This journal entry was quite lengthy, so it is broken up into five parts for the remainder of the week.

Happy Independence Day!!!

Are You a Psychopath?

Your result for The Are You a Psychopath? Test...

The Healthy Mind

You scored 82% empathic, 2% delusional, 94% sociable, and 88% law-abiding!

You don't have any gross defects of character at all. You might have your problems, but for the most part you're simply a normal person and most definitely not a psychopath in any way.

Take The Are You a Psychopath? Test at HelloQuizzy
Apparently, you can fool the test!! LOL!!
Now, you go have some fun!!

Now, go and take the test and comeback and share your results!!

Virgin Skin?

Oh, my!!! More and more people in their 40's, 50's and 60's are getting their first tattoos. It is a growing trend. Much to some adult children, husbands and fathers dismay!!

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

So what do you have to say about you, your parents or grandparents getting tattoos?

Dietician Meeting

On Tuesday, I had a meeting with my dietician.  Meeting with her is quite difficult especially as my husband is present.  I do want him to be there as I know that it is healthy for him to be there.  I don't like being honest with her...actually, it is I who doesn't want to hear what is actually happening. 

I am really having difficulty eating the six small meals per day.  To add to it the things, I found out that what I have been marking as a small meal is actually a snack.  Sigh.  I am keeping snacks in the car and a cereal/granola bar in my purse.  Oh, I've been eating them as well.

Due to a variety of reasons, I have not been exercising as much as my goals are.  The frustrating thing is that right before I got sick.  Three days per week, I was running on the treadmill and doing a weights.  The other thing that we are addressing is my cooking twice per month.

During the month period since I met with her, I discovered that I hate the feeling of being hungry.  I feel like my body is betraying me.  I liked it better when I didn't get hungry at all.  CONTROL!!

I think that I wrote, that my psychiatrist and therapist disagree on what is more important.  My psychiatrist told me that he would rather have me focus on exercise instead of cooking.  My therapist told me that he would rather have me cooking than focus on exercise.  I agree with my therapist as it does get me moving about, shopping, interacting with others, gets me out of the house and it is something that I used to REALLY enjoy.

I haven't actually lost anymore weight; however, I still am able to wear clothing that I wasn't able to before.  Also, I am able to wear jewelry that I couldn't before and my watchband and belt are in in the holes to make them smaller.  My husband also says that I feel smaller.  Still I focus on the scale number and my lab results.

I hate this!!!