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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Monday, December 13, 2010

A Borderline Core Issue

I continue to struggle with my mother and my aunt not acknowledging my birthday, but it has recently brought up a very core issue of borderline personality disorder and much pain.

One core issue is that the basic foundation or core is that "I am bad.  Worthless. Something is wrong with me."  Everything you think, do and say comes out of that place. So, we look to others to tell us that we are "good," but at the same time look for any inkling that we are "bad."  We take things personally, when it is really about them.  Whether it is a look, a comment, a tone of voice, etc...  It proves that we are "bad."

This is an extremely painful place to live from.  I am learning that everything that I do comes out of my looking through the lens of "I am bad and there is something wrong with me."  Trust is a huge issue with this.

It can get better with lots of hard work.  My foundation needs to be slowly replaced by the truth of who I am and figuring out what I want and activating toward it.  I find it difficult to even think of what I want instead what goes through my head is "I don't want to..."  Rather, it needs to be "I want to... " and being proactive about it.

Don't forget to look at the fun Christmas video after this post.

4 comments:

Addison said...

I have the "I am bad" thoughts going on pretty much all the time. My therapist has not officially dx me as BPD but only because she doesnt like to label people. Sry your family forgot your bday. That sucks.

bpdisme said...

You touch on a very important BPD issue here -- thanks for sharing your insight, I find it quite helpful. I can definitely relate to the "bad" feelings. Oh, and gotta love that BPD dichotomous thinking. *hugs*

Wanda's Wings said...

Trying to accept that we are not bad is sometimes very hard. How could we be forgotten on such an important day. It's hard to believe we are not the problem. Hang in there. You have many on line friends that care about you.

Clueless said...

Addison, thank you for stopping by and commenting. LOL about the labels. Thank you for your understanding of my bday. Now, off to visit your blog.

bpdisme, I'm glad that you found the post helpful. The dichotomous thinking is such a pain!!

Wanda, Thank you. Your words were like a warm hug.

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