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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Difficulty Expressing

First off, I want to apologize for not reading blogs lately.  Therapy has been quite difficult and I have been a bit depressed.  I also am having a significant problem with articulating or writing what has been happening in therapy.

Amongst other material, I think it was Monday's post of "Reality Hurts" that really encapsulates what is going on internally.  That was written with mind and feelings focused on my aunt.  I'm am finding it sad in realizing how sick she is and that she has a borderline personality disorder.  But, unlike me, she will not change significantly as she does not think that she has a problem and has never sought help.

Knowing what having BPD is like also causes me to realize how miserable she has been and why she pushes me and the rest of the family away especially with the help of her partner.  I am also for the first time really feeling how much it hurts to be pushed away and how much my self-worth is based on her reactions to me.  I keep having to remember that it is about her and not me. 

Hopefully, tomorrow, I'll find the words to express what other material I am dealing with as I think it would be helpful.  My heart hurts.


Mike Golch said...

I can so relate to being depressed.incase you have not noticed i have not gone on any rants just posting my usual stuff only and a good chunk of that has been last minuite.I have mainly been playing my computer games.Not to mention I have gained back 20 lbs.Depressed?Not me.Yeh right.Hugs my friend.

Anonymous said...

Sending you hugs.

Wishing you well,

Anonymous said...

It's an awful feeling to not have the words to articulate and process your feelings. I often find myself in such a state -- sometimes even dissociate in nature -- surrounding my therapy appointments and my therapist. The when the words come, my mind tends to race and I can't shut it off! Gotta love that all or nothing thing. It's quite frustrating. Hang in there! *hugs*

Feminist Voice with Disabilities said...

I'm sorry to hear your are having a hard time with therapy, but I hope you can eventually write about it; that might help. Sometimes the difficult parts of therapy happen when the best changes are occuring.

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