Clinically Clueless: Eating Disorder Update

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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Eating Disorder Update

I sit here wanting to write an update on my progress with my eating disorder, but I must be defending because here I just sit!! For those of you who don't know, I am anorexic. However, due to medical issues over the past 18 months, I have gained more than 60 pounds. I find it difficult to lose weight without reverting to my eating disordered patterns.

Well, first off, I decided that I was not ready to really utilize my dietician right now. Bottomline is that this is a bigger problem than I ever imagined, but I guess more than 30 years of disordered eating is hard to overcome. My therapist and psychiatrist are addressing these issues with me. My psychiatrist was a specialist in eating disorders for more than 20 years which I didn't know when I started seeing him.

I know that my body is toner than before as my clothes are fitting better and I'm wearing smaller sizes. Those close to me say that I look like I've lost weight. However, the numbers on the scale are not budging. I know that muscle mass is heavier, but I am sooooo focused on the numbers. I know that I should get rid of the scale, but I need to weigh myself periodically for my infusion treatment.

I just want to lose the weight. Just lower the scale numbers. I want to lose weight faster and I know how to do it. I know that it isn't healthy. But, I know that once I get to the weight that I want that I can maintain it...actually, there is no end to stopping losing weight. The compliments make me want to lose faster and more. I'm really catagorizing food into "good" and "bad" foods...danger!!! I also know that with the issues that are coming up in therapy that my eating disorder is really kicking up as it is a defense too.

I hate eating disorders!!!