Where Do I Find Comfort? ~ Worship in Art

...knowing and sensing that God has wanted and delighted in me from before I was born.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb." ~ Psalm 139:13 (NIV)

Learning to Simply "Be" ~ Poetry

Learning to Simply "Be"

For decades, I didn’t want to see,
I simply didn’t want to just be.

To see the truth of my childhood,
That I never understood.

Hatred and anger that I never wanted to see,
But, yet that is still a part of me.

An emptiness that aches and says, “I don’t exist,”
Somehow, I managed my tears to be just mist.

The ache so deep makes me want to die,
But, continue to live in denial is just a lie.

One that hurts me more and more,
Instead, the tears just need to pour.

A loneliness that I tried and tried,
For myself and others to hide.

A panic that comes again and again,
My baseline, fear of everything is so ingrained.

Hopelessness that never seemed to end,
I think, I thought it to be my friend.

It’s has a twin, depression, together all the time,
These the hardest for a child to bear for a lifetime.

Just longing to be wanted felt like such a crime,
Instead, I ended up feeling like unwanted grime.

That needs to be cleaned, so not to exist,
Instead, who I am kept getting missed.

Always feeling so awful,
And, needing to be careful.

Longing for Mommy to be a place of warmth, comfort and care,
Yet, danger and violence is what feared.

I feel so alone with where I’ve been,
Yet, I feel that the Lord knows all that is within.

It is His comfort that I cling to once again,
I find warmth and comfort that I didn’t find then.

He has also provided human love that I never thought I deserved,
Yet, I so longed for comfort and love that is now preserved.

So, facing, remembering and feeling the truth of my life,
Is excruciating and painful, but hasn’t that been my life.

To face it now and not be alone,
Now, it is time for me to try to own.

©2008 ClinicallyClueless/CourageousSteps

Finally, able to talk and it isn't pretty!!

Commentary: I wrote the following yesterday morning before my session as a tool to help me just express what I was feeling toward Geoffrey. He kept telling me just to say what ever I was feeling and thinking about him. This proved to be very helpful in keeping focused and not dissociating so much in session. However, my ambivalence was extremely high as was my anxiety. Thank God for PRNs.

Geoffrey,

I feel really disconnected right now. But, yesterday I know that I was angry with you and have been. It has been difficult in that I keep stopping myself with knowing that most of it has nothing to do with you and with not wanting to just be…feel anything about you. Since that Monday, I feel like I left a big part of me there. I wonder, if I can just let go if I just write because I don’t feel like I can actually talk and this may help.

There is a part of me that just wants to yell “I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!” It was a mistake to trust you on Monday because I ended up just getting hurt. I’m angry that you took some of your frustration out on me. I’m angry at you because you hurt my feelings. I’m angry that you made me feel like I didn’t exist. I’m angry that I felt like I didn’t matter to you. I’m angry that I felt so missed like you didn’t care about how I was doing. I’m angry at you for not picking up that I was in so much distress and had dissociated so much. I’m angry with me that I couldn’t tell you because I didn’t know until a week later that I was angry and hurt. I hate you for hurting my feelings and not being aware of my needs. I’m really angry that you directed your anger at me. You really hurt my feelings. I felt like you didn’t want to be with me.

I’m still angry at myself that I went away so much. To the point that I couldn’t tell you what was going on because I didn’t know. I still don’t know some of what happened. I really hate that. I am angry that you can’t fill in the blanks. I’m angry that I still need to talk about how I feel about you and that I can’t even move on to what I know was triggered as flashbacks. I felt like I was in a minefield with something ready to go off at any moment.

I’m angry with you because it doesn’t seem to matter to you that it was difficult last week with realizing what happened. I’m angry that you said my delay in the hypervigilance was an indication of how bad it was and how damaged I am. I’m angry that it impacts everything in my life and employment. I’m angry that you said that the level of panic I felt is my baseline even though I know it is true. I didn’t want to hear it. I am angry that I felt like you didn’t notice how overwhelmed I felt. I’m angry that you triggered my feeling the “I don’t exist” emptiness and being alone.

I’m angry that you didn’t tell me earlier that you would be gone this past weekend knowing that all this new stuff was on the surface. I’m angry that you just left me and didn’t seem to care about the place that I was in.

I hate you for how awful you made me feel on this past Monday. I’m angry that you didn’t share at least a little of your trip with me like you usually do. You made me feel shut out. And, then I felt your frustration with the return trip and it felt like it didn’t matter to you how was doing over the weekend.

I had a horrible weekend and just tried to sleep most of the time. I felt disconnected from me and you. I am angry with the way you handled the session because you made me feel even more disconnected and angry. I really wanted to tell you about the flashback, trying not to feel what was kicked up last week, that the suicidal thoughts got scary and that I was feeling more and more hopeless since that Monday.

I feel like I just hate you for being unattuned to where I’ve been, directing your anger/frustration at me, leaving, trying to make me angry, not seeming to care about last week, not taking into account my weekend before you started pushing, not noticing that I really went away on that Monday and for hurting my feelings so much in the past couple of weeks. I hate that you can hurt my feelings. I feel like screaming that you don’t care.

Commentary: This lead into that this is the way I felt with my mother when she would become angry or frustrated and that I could not say anything even though there was a lot in my head. I knew that it triggered things with my mother, but didn't know how painfully deep it went. I didn't realize how much anger, sadness and pain was there.

I am continuing to feel more depressed and hopeless and the suicidal thoughts, planning and wanting to injure myself are really loud. I'm more disturbed by my increasing depression and hopelessness. I think, that some has to do with this is the way I felt and that it is my reaction whenever, I speak up. Geoffrey has also purposefully not helped me to feel better as he wants me to stay with my feelings, so I know today might be better as he won't let me go into the weekend feeling this badly without feeling his support. I really just want to crawl into a corner and die. He did tell me that I did a good job yesterday and worked hard.

Okay, Some Words...I guess.

Okay, I have a little bit of a voice now. Besides just having a tough time in general, other things coming up feeling misunderstood, rejected by others, hopeless, terrified, panicked and overwhelmed.

The main thing in therapy has been making realizations and talking about that Monday which I blogged about in a post a couple of weeks ago. Well, I'm still trying to work through what actually happened, my feelings toward Geoffrey, and what was triggered.

Basically, I know that I really dissociated, was terrified, felt abandoned, angry, non-existent type of emptiness and overwhelmed. Along with it has come lots of suicidal thoughts and hopelessness. Then, this past session did not go well. So, generally I am feeling disconnected from myself, Geoffrey and everyone or I want to push them away.

I know that I am angry because he went out of town for the weekend and I am still angry at Geoffrey which he wants me to express, but I keep stopping myself because I know that it isn't about him. He lets me know, but that is where you are now and that I can't just let myself "be."

I've been sleeping a lot as a way to numb out and taking more PRNs per my psychiatrist's suggestion. He says that I'm not taking enough and that I could have called him this past weekend when I was having difficulty.

I am just having a tough time with present feelings, flashbacks that I haven't been able to talk about, and feelings that have been triggered. And, it all starts with how I am feeling toward Geoffrey and expressing myself. Unfortunately, I have this problem of just letting my feeling be there, to stay present to them with Geoffrey or even just with myself, and expressing them that is a huge leap. Much of it is also pre-verbal which makes everything more difficult. So it is preverbal and I shut down...great combination.

Well, I need to go to my session...I'm going to try, but I am already going away...

"Still No Words"

"Suffering" ~ © 2002 Rita Loyd

Feeling and Thinking ~ Cannot Find Words!!

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY~November 25, 2005~Thanksgiving

Geoffrey,

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY~November 25, 2005

Thanksgiving was okay. I enjoyed getting to know the new spouses (new wife and a new husband) better and helping out in the kitchen...she seemed relieved when I arrived because I know how to cook. I got a little angry at my mother. She was much better, but I still had to initiate any interaction even when she arrived and was greeting everyone. However, she didn't cut me off and continued to minimally interact. Still it was tiring. Didn't help that I didn't sleep well.

I got so angry at Grandma. I knew I really didn't want my mother or Grandma to touch me, but Grandma really irritated me when she moved my hair. I only allow or feel safe with a few people touching my face or hair.

Anyway, after we ate and my husband and I went to the couch and he sat there and I laid down resting my head on his leg holding a pillow and was starting to fall asleep. Then, Grandma chose that time to come and ask if I was okay, how have I been and moved my hair. I told her I was fine and shook my head indicating not to continue to touch my hair.

I really wanted to push her hand away. Then, she brought the pies. One pumpkin and a pumpkin chiffon. Now, for forty years, I've always hated pumpkin and seems like I tell her at every gathering. It was made worse because she said she got the chiffon one because it was her favorite. [She has always remembered what everyone else's favorite desserts are, but when it comes to me she can't remember or gets it wrong.]

I think, sometimes I feel like I don't exist to my mother or grandma. And other times, they are intrusive or demanding. Just got really angry. Really feel like crying. Also, the thoughts of cutting and bruising are loud today. So are the thoughts of wanting to die. [At the time, I realized that the anger toward grandma was really for my mother. I was also beginning to realize that their behavior hadn't changed in forty years...that I've always felt like I didn't exist.]

Remember so many holidays. Having such mixed feelings. Looking forward to spending time with some of my family and so anxious about going to my step-father's parents and feeling on guard the whole day as usually some of the bigger arguments would occur between my mother and step-father. The more violent conflicts would occur and then there was having to see his parents.

And everything was so loud as the football games were on every television and my step-father was really loud and everyone would suddenly yell during the game. I also kinda miss Grandpa sitting in front of the television all day and my aunt and I drying and putting away the dishes.

Then, there were the time when my mother would become angry and suddenly take me to my step-father's parents. My step-father usually went there and my mother and I went to my grandparents. Nobody in my family really like my step-father except he was good with my uncle's children. But, every get together was preceded by some huge argument with much of the time my mother ending up yelling and slapping me for not getting ready quick enough. [I was never going to be quick enough.]

Then, there was always the hope that my father would call or send a card. Disappointed every time, yet there was always a part that hoped until I was a teenager. Always feeling like crying because of the disappointment or the arguing. Sometimes, it was just so confusing and a lot of the times my mother seemed angry the whole day no matter what we ended up doing.

Often times, I'd end up sleeping over at my step-father's parents when I really wanted to stay with my grandparents. Felt like I just got yanked back and forth by my mother with no reason...it was confusing and her driving scared me. It was always so tense. Feel really anxious and like crying. Sometimes, I got to stay with my grandparents, but even if that was preplanned, I could still end up at my step-father's parents. I hated it and just wanted to die. Always so much conflict, but the holidays just made it worse.

Comments: At this point in therapy, all of the above was the first time that wrote or spoke of things in this manner. I was also making connections between how my mother and grandmother treated me as a child and that it still occurs despite my saying anything...then, I'm just too sensitive.

I have always started to become really anxious at the beginning of November. This year, since I am not feeling like I want to deal with what is going on inside and with my mother, my husband and I are not going to Thanksgiving with my family. We are going to have a quiet day together. Or maybe, I'll just sleep.

"Not Be Shaken" ~ David Ruis ~ Worship in Song!!

This is one of my favorite worship songs as it reminds me to be steadfast despite all that is around me...and that I am, for the most part. It also reminds me of God's sovereignty. No matter what my faith is not shaken.

Not Be Shaken

I will declare my joys to the nations
I will shout for joy to the congrgation
I will worship God, worship GodAll my days

Those who love the Lord are satisfied
Those who trust in him are justified
And I will serve my God, serve my God
All my days

When the nations crumble
The word of the Lord will stay
Kings may rise and fall
His love will endure
Though the strong may stumble
The joy of the Lord is strength

To my soul
I will not be shaken
I will not be moved
I will not be shaken

I will declare my joys to the nation
Hey I will shout for joy to the congregation
I will worship God, worship God
All my days

Those who love the Lord are satisfied
Those who trust in him are justified
I will serve my God, serve my God
All my days

When the nations crumble
The word of the Lord will stay
Kings may rise and fall
His love will endure
Though the strong may stumble
The joy of the Lord is strength

To my soul
I will not be shaken
I will not be moved
I will not be shaken

I will not be shaken
Keep my eyes on you Lord
I will not be moved
Keep my feet on the ride
I will not be shaken
Let him do something to you
I will not be moved

Anywhere you see, and anywhere you look
I will not be shaken
I will not be moved
I will not be shaken

"Star Wars" - an a cappella tribute to John Williams

From: ApprenticeA @ YouTube

GET THE MP3 (AND READ THE LYRICS):http://www.moosebutter.com/starwarsA BIG thank you and ALL musical credit goes to the a cappella comedy group Moosebutter (from Provo, UT), who greatly assisted me in the making of this video and memorizing their brilliant song "Star Wars" from their 2002 album 'see dee'. This video was done with their blessing and their support. Check out their website here:http://www.moosebutter.com/