A Painful Pattern!

"Mistletoe and Wine" ~ Cliff Richard

This is one of my favorite Christmas songs sung and written by one of my favorite artists. I hope you enjoy it.

Mistletoe and Wine by Cliff Richard

The child is a king, the carollers sing,
The old has passed, theres a new beginning.
Dreams of santa, dreams of snow,
Fingers numb, faces aglow.

Christmas time, mistletoe and wine
Children singing christian rhyme
With logs on the fire and gifts on the tree
A time for rejoicing in all that we see

A time for living, a time for believing
A time for trusting, not deceiving,
Love and laughter and joy ever after,
Ours for the taking, just follow the master.

Christmas time, mistletoe and wine
Children singing christian rhyme
With logs on the fire and gifts on the tree
A time for rejoicing in all that we see

A time for giving, a time for getting,
A time for forgiving and for forgetting.
Christmas is love, christmas is peace,
A time for hating and fighting to cease.

Christmas time, mistletoe and wine
Children singing christian rhyme
With logs on the fire and gifts on the tree
A time for rejoicing in all that we see

Josh Groban - O Holy Night

The words and lyrics of the old carol 'O Holy Night' were written by Placide Cappeau de Roquemaure in 1847. Cappeau was a wine seller by trade but was asked by the parish priest to write a poem for Christmas. He obliged and wrote the beautiful words of the hymn. He then realised that it should have music to accompany the words and he approached his friend Adolphe Charles Adams(1803-1856). He agreed and the music for the poem was therefore composed by Adolphe Charles Adams. Adolphe had attended the Paris conservatoire and forged a brilliant career as a composer. It was translated into English by John Sullivan Dwight (1812-1893).

O Holy Night!

O Holy Night! The stars are brightly shining,
It is the night of the dear Saviour's birth.
Long lay the world in sin and error pining.
Till He appeared and the Spirit felt its worth.
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.
Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angel voices!
O night divine, the night when Christ was born;
O night, O Holy Night , O night divine!
O night, O Holy Night , O night divine!

Led by the light of faith serenely beaming,
With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand.
O'er the world a star is sweetly gleaming,
Now come the wisemen from out of the Orient land.
The King of kings lay thus lowly manger;
In all our trials born to be our friends.
He knows our need, our weakness is no stranger,
Behold your King! Before him lowly bend!
Behold your King! Before him lowly bend!

Truly He taught us to love one another,
His law is love and His gospel is peace.
Chains he shall break, for the slave is our brother.
And in his name all oppression shall cease.
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
With all our hearts we praise His holy name.
Christ is the Lord! Then ever, ever praise we,
His power and glory ever more proclaim!
His power and glory ever more proclaim!

Inspiration of "Les Fleurs" by 4 hope!!!

The song is by 4 hero and is a cover version of Minnie Riperton who is best known for “Lovin’ You.” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_uU6aYNXnUk YouTube also has Minnie’s original version. I first saw this on GO! Smell the Flowers, which is a great site...I am one of the writers. If you want to see a different side of me, GO! there.

Anyway, Minnie had an amazing vocal range. In 1977 Riperton became the first black female to serve as spokesperson for the American Cancer Society and to receive the Society’s Courage Award from President Jimmy Carter.

I didn’t expect it, but between the song and the video, I teared up and felt inspired. It reminds me of what I want for my life and others. The song takes the metaphor of a flower growing for seemingly simple purposes that make people unique and happy. Then, that it spreads love, joy, faith and hope to forlorn which to me is inspiration. And, if you look within yourself, every person has that flower seed of beauty and power. Then, it talks about being free, be yourself, darkness is gone, and throw off your fears for a new time is born. It reminds me of what God is doing in my life and that I want to spread that to others.

Will somebody wear me to the fair?

Will a lady pin me in her hair?

Will a child find me by a stream?

Kiss my petals and weave me through a dream

For all of these simple things and much more a flower was born

It blooms to spread love and joy faith and hope to people forlorn

Inside every man lives the seed of a flower

If he looks within he finds beauty and power

Ring all the bells sing and tell the people everywhere that the flower has come

Light up the sky with your prayers of gladness and rejoice for the darkness is gone

Throw off your fears let your heart beat freely at the sign that a new time is born

A little bit better

Hello Everybody,

For the first time since That Monday, I am doing a little better. I really don't want to share this, but I hope it will help others understand what can happen in therapy and with therapeutic impasses, where you feel like you and your therapist are in a struggle or your angry or hurt my by your therapist. I want you to know that this is normal, growth producing and that therapists aren't really perfect. Nor are they mind readers.

Since That Monday, almost a month ago, my symptoms were getting worse despite anything my therapist or I would do. I just felt angry and couldn't get over it and it just didn't feel right with him. It was like I no longer trusted him for not attending to me better on that day. I knew that I had to talk about it, but all of my defenses went up including terminating therapy. I also would become defensive to anything he would say, I mean anything. I also took everything as criticism.

I was a doing a lot of projection and transference and generally just felt ungrounded, scattered and unable to focus. I am still doing that, but not as badly. I also am still above baseline for depression, suicidal thoughts and hopelessness. Feeling empty, hollow and like I want to die are still there. However, the intensity of everything is better.

I knew that the only way that I was going to feel better was to talk to my therapist, but I was scared that he wouldn't be there for me or be critical. During this time period, I had two regularly scheduled session's with my psychiatrist who kept encouraging me to talk to my therapist. I feel really blessed that he actually does therapy with me and that I allow him to.

This past Tuesday really helped as I was able to say some of the things that I needed to say to my therapist. Also, I spoke with my therapist on Monday which did not go well, but he encouraged me to try to make a choice and talk to him.

So, yesterday I went to session trying to remember to just talk and not go away. Well, I got there, sat down, and said, "I don't know what to say." LOL!! Anyway, he just let me ramble and as I rambled. I made a connection between what was happening between he and I and with my mother and I. I burst into tears. I was able in my mind to keep both of us in the room and it felt like I was crying on his shoulder. I actually felt comforted. We talked about the connections with my mother.

Then, he apologized for missing me (not being aware). He explained that basically he did not realize how much That Monday effected me. He said that he put my behavior in the category of defense, but that wasn't it. I actually became disorganized and so I couldn't do what he was asking or what I was trying to do until we reconnected which is what happened yesterday.

It kicked up so much about being abandoned or ignored by my parents and that there was nothing I could do then or now especially with my mother to make her acknowledge me. All the intensity of the feelings I've been having was related to that and I know there is more. I still feel depressed, empty, hollow, suicidal, hopeless, etc. (Those are also the feeling that I had growing up, but didn't allow myself to feel.) However, it isn't as intense and I have a tiny bit of hope which feels good. The key was really focusing on telling him what I was thinking and feeing.

My Hands or Someone Else's Hands?

I'm really distressed!!!

I had posted my post on Major Depressive Disorder a good while ago on another site. Today, I received a comment that has me really agitated, distressed and questioning my sense of reality. I've been having difficulty anyway as you know if you have been following my blog. This has just really made it more difficult and feel like people don't believe me. I've already been in the I want to die mode and this just made it worse. Don't worry because I am not going to act on it.

This is the comment: Did you ever check in with your therapist to see how many of his clients reported experiencing sexual abuse? If there are a lot of them, question whether your memories are real. I do not mean to be provocative, but many therapists - with very good intentions - encourage "remembering" abuse, even sadistic sexual abuse, because they believe that that is the cause of mental health problems, when in fact no abuse happened. I hope this comment is okay to make.

This is my response: This is only an okay comment to make if you have read my blog both on this site and my main blog, http://clinicallyclueless.blogspot.com/. You don't know me or my therapist to make this type of judgement or evaluation of my situation. I already have a difficult enough time believing that I was abused and now I am extremely distressed. I hope that you don't go around making comments like this unless you know the person, history, background and have read their blog.

I am feeling really "bad." I just want to crawl into a corner and die right now. I know I'm fragmenting, but I am having a difficult time with everything right now. I just feel so hopeless, so this just added to my feelings. I'm feeling a bit battered down. I am just not coping with things very well right now.

Eating Disorder ~ Not a Problem?

EATING DISORDER ~ NOT A PROBLEM?

For thirty years, it has been my struggle
To not talk about my eating disorder is the battle

At times, all so obvious for everyone to see
But, no one really asking about me

Don’t talk it isn’t that bad
Trying to make me talk just makes me mad

Don’t touch this subject because it is mine
I have control and will be just fine

I’ve surrounded it with good defenses
No one will know the self-hatred and the rages

I’m really okay and can handle it on my own
With this I just want to be left alone

I have to have control you see
Even if it is just talking about me

How easy it is to starve
Often tells me that my life was hard

Intense self-loathing and self-hatred
Tells of a heart so wounded

No one will ever know the pain
Of trying to starve again

Know one will know the thoughts in my head
That, at times, I didn’t care if it led to my being dead

Losing the weight is my focus
Yet, I knew that is just the surface

Finally talking after all these years
Makes me feel all my fears

Yet, comfort in finally sharing
With someone loving and caring

No matter my weight the feelings and thoughts always there
I think, all I ever wanted was someone just to hear

I admit it has always been an obsession
To lose weight a constant mission

So angry and feeling out of control
Meds causing me to gain weight has taken a toll

From the weight gain, my clothes are too small
I don’t enjoy shopping for new sizes at the mall

I hate that I can’t control my weight gain
I won’t admit that it has caused so much pain

My scale my friend and my enemy
The rising numbers make me feel tubby

I call myself a “beached whale”
Even if I’m not stepping on the scale

I love when the numbers decrease and I reach my goal
But, I know there is no end, but I feel so in control

My husband so sweet makes sure there is always food
Feels like he is trying to control my eating when I’m not in the mood

I think, I’m tired of constantly thinking about what I eat
For more than thirty years, I’ve tried to be discreet

Talking made everything seem so surreal
I guess, now I’m trying to be real

No one really knows what goes on in my head
Starting to talk is what I know I need to do instead

© 2008 ClinicallyClueless/CourageousSteps