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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

The weekend started off Borderline

This past Friday, I had a telephone session with my therapist.  It was over the telephone as I was not feeling well (pneumonia & ankle). I had a "borderline" session and shut down and would not say anything.  I disengaged from myself and him.  I didn't have any real access to resolve it as I was fragmenting.

It was a very difficult session.  I realized that I really was wanting his validation for what I was thinking and feeling.  When I didn't get what I wanted, I became angry and shut down.  Pushing him away and myself.  The session ended with me not in a good place.

I wanted to terminate or cancel therapy all together, "nothing" mattered, my suicidal thoughts became stronger as did my desire to self injure. I didn't act upon any of this...hooray.  Instead, I called him and we had a hour telephone conversation on Saturday.

All of the above, are classic Borderline Personality traits.  All predictable if I didn't remain present to myself and verbalize what was going on.  Instead, I retreated into myself and nothing or no one existed.

I realized that I needed to just initiate and interact. I could have sang a song, make faces at my therapist, tease him, talk about anything having nothing to do with therapy...now, only if my brain could have activated to find those resources. But, I am getting better.


Interruption said...

I am glad you did not act on your urges. Also glad you could have the courage to call him again and talk some more. I need to take lessons from you. I was in a similar state Sunday and could not call my therapist. But, I too am getting better, slowly but surely. Thanks for sharing and thank you for the comments on my blog.
Take care.

Interruption said...

I just left a comment and it disappeared...so I will try again. I am sorry you had such a difficult time. However, I am glad you did not act on your urges and glad you were able to contact your therapist and talk. I was having similar issues Sunday and could not allow myself to call my therapist. Thank you for sharing this and thank you for your comments on my blog.
Take care.

Haven said...

I know this all too well.

Anonymous said...

It's really hard to engage when we feel like pulling back. Really hard. But not impossible! We just have to make a conscious effort to do so. There have been many a session with D when I just get so emotionally exhausted that I decide I just want to sit and cry and say nothing else for the rest of the session. But I've been pushing myself to not shut down. And it sounds like you're doing that too!

Wishing you well,

Sharon Rose said...

Wow, that you recognize what was going on! My sister struggles with this. She is a great gal and really works to keep her balance.

And, I know, only from watching her and listening to her story, this can be a difficult road. Glad you had four hours to chat and succeeded in being gentle with yourself.

Clueless said...

Interruption, thank you for your comments on my blog also. I'm too am glad that I did't act on my urges and called him. Both were quite new for me. You will eventually gain the courage to call...it is very difficult at first...lots of thoughts against why I should go through my head.

Haven, I thought that people would relate. I hope that it helped you know that you are not alone.

NOS, shutting down such an "automatic" thing to do. Hard to deal with at the time.

Pastor Sharon,

Thank you so much for your comments on my blog. Thank you for your encouragement and I hope it helped you understand your sister more.

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