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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

A Different Type of Mother's Day

I know that Mother's Day has long past, but I wasn't able to write this until now.  One, I am not a mother, but that is okay. But, on Mother's Day, I usually am angry, sad, ashamed, guilt ridden, I should, etc...due to my relationship and reaction to my mother.  This has always been to the point that I am unable to focus about anything also and in therapy we spend weeks dealing with my emotional state.  However, this year was different.

I did not call, send a card or a present since my letter to her and her lack of response to me.  Also, this was a sporadic event even before, but laden with guilt and I should be a good daughter.  Or if I did acknowledge her, I would be angry.  Neither is a great place to be. 

This year, I felt like I actually made a decision to do what I wanted to do and not go by the old rules.  I feel like I made a response based on what I wanted to do taking all things into account.  I felt really free from her. I was also happy. I didn't ruin my weekend.  I hardly even thought about it.

These are all positive steps toward accepting myself and in turn accepting her as she is.  Now, there are some guilt feelings and regrets.  I am also really looking at how mentally ill she is.  But, I am very satisfied with what I did.  HUGE step forward...now the work gets harder, but I'm moving forward.

2 comments:

NOS said...

Good for you, CC! It's always hard to change the status quo and to set new boundaries, but you did it. Hooray!

Wishing you well,
NOS

Clueless said...

NOS,

Thank you for your words of encouragement...this was a tough place to get to.

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