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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Borderline Personality Tantrum Over My Weight

Last Wednesday, I threw a "fit" about my weight. (I have been struggling with denial about my eating disorder, http://clinicallyclueless.blogspot.com/2011/06/coming-out-of-denial.html). That morning while trying to figure out what pants to wear, it became do I have anything that fits? I was quite angry with myself and distressed. I began to think, "this 6 times per day isn't helping, I'm gaining weight, I can't fit into my cloths, I might as well give up and go back to my eating disorder completely, etc...note the Borderline Personality black/white & all or nothing thinking. I was crying in session...basically I was a mess.

Calm down...my therapist and I helped me do this. (I actually was an active participant...hooray for for me.) With some prompting, I reminded myself that I just was taking medication that caused me to gain weight, be "puffy," increased my appetite, and caused water retention and salt retention. I also was going to start my menstrual cycle the following week (actually today) and I always go up about one size.


My therapist also reminded me that I have not been able to get around much, so I've been very sedentary. This definitely does not help the situation. He also emphasized that I need to keep eating because my body needs nutrients to heal my sprained ankle and respiratory system and recover completely from my pneumonia. (My doctor who is treating me for my respiratory system also told me that it will take more than three months to feel back to the way I was before my pneumonia...sheesh)


My mind when Borderline racing before my session, but I was able to use some coping skills with help to calm myself down. I came out of my distorted thinking to reality. It was quite an agonizing process, but well worth it.  Oh and did I ever fight every step of the way!!  :-)


I also not stepped on a scale in a month, but boy am I tempted today.  I'm still eating about 5-6 times per day which is the goal. I started to obsess about what I was eating and the amount. My therapist stopped me and asked what the only goal is for this time in my struggle with my eating disorder? ANSWER: Simply, eat something 6 times per day. 

I wonder if you have a goal that is simple that you add extra stipulations that are not necessary? I don't want to feel alone in this so please share. (yes, a cheap attempt at getting comments, but I really do what you to think about this issue. It is quite helpful). Take care of yourself!!

6 comments:

Bayleigh Marie said...

I've had an eating disorder for as long as I can remember. I like the idea of eating something 6 times a day, and have heard of that plan many times - but have never chosen to follow it. I am overweight. I was on Topamax for 3 months about 3 years ago, and that made me lose weight significantly. Then, I was put on Valproic Acid with Celexa, and that made me gain weight rapidly. I have never recovered from that 50 pound weight gain, and I have gained 25 pounds over the past year, most likely from the stress and situations I found myself in.

So, since I haven't done the 6 times a day thing, would it be okay if I join you in that endeavor? Either way, I wish you the best of luck. You can do it!

Joyce Lansky said...

Are you sure you're gaining weight? Maybe you have my problem.

http://joycelansky.blogspot.com/2011/04/that-closet-did-it-to-my-clothes-again.html

Joyce
http://joycelansky.blogspot.com

Borderline Lil said...

I think you're right, that having a straightforward and simple goal is sometimes a temptation for our minds to complicate matters and add extra goals. It's almost a self-sabotage. Good on you for working through your Borderline tantrum CC!

Clueless said...

Bayleigh,

I feel like I was in the same situation with having an eating disorder for as long as I can remember and eating 6 times per day. I have known my therapist for more than 20 years and it has been just this year that I decided to address it. Also, it has taken me many months to decide to do the 6 times per day plan and it has been much more difficult than I thought it would be. At the beginning all of my defenses came out. You can definitely join me in this endevour. My email address is on my blog.

Clueless said...

Joyce,

Your problem is much funnier than mine. I have purposefully put my smaller sizes into Space Bags and donated sizes that I should have never been in the first place. My clothes are definitely temperature control. I'm sorry for your problem.

Last Monday, was due to medication and my menstrual cycle. But, I have defititely gained weight which is freaking me out as I am anorexic. Thanks for visiting my blog and making a comment.

Clueless said...

Thanks Borderline Lil,

It really is such a battle for everyone, but especially for those with BPD.

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