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Thank you for visiting. Content MAY BE TRIGGERING ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED ABUSE, STRUGGLE WITH SELF-INJURY, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION OR AN EATING DISORDER. Contains graphic descriptions of suicidal thoughts, self-injury and emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Do not read further if you are not in a safe place. If you are triggered, please reach out to your support system, a mental health professional or call 911.

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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Friday, April 9, 2010

EC Contest

Well, we may have another winner as Verging On has yet to respond to me.  If Verging On does not respond to me by the morning of Tuesday, April 13th, FishHawk will become the winner of the EC credits which will be transferred Tuesday afternoon.

On another note, I meet with my nutrionist on Monday.  I'm so anxious and feeling a bit defensive. I know that I'm taking proactive steps, but I'm ambivalent about them.  However, I have given some of my clothing to this woman who is quite thin and is in need of clothing to fit her. I was astonished at how thin I must have been to wear those clothes. I'm allowing my eyes to open up and accepting the problem that my eating disorder has been and is now. I'm somewhat relieved by not having the smallest sizes in the house...less pressure to fit back into them, but some of them were sooooooo cute.  Update, tomorrow.

5 comments:

Sairs said...

I think one of the hardest things I ever did was actually give away my favourite skinny jeans. Although I am glad that I also don't have to think about not fitting in to them anymore and just be an average size, I still find it really hard to be around really really small people, though in saying that I still don't see myself right, in that I can't see what I really look like size wise I guess. My vision is so distorted, that I don't trust what I see but find it hard to look at at the same time . I am glad you were able to give some of your clothes away to someone who needed them and it really is good to not have the smallest size.
Sarah xx

Mike Golch said...

Knowing and understanding the demon,is a great step forward.good for you.just keep doing what i do for my soberity,one day at a time and if need be 5 min. at a time.

Jude said...

Stopping in to check and see how you are doing. It's good that you got rid of the skinny clothes I still have mine from 10 years ago, I need to let them go since I'm never ever going to be thin again, I'm so glad I'm older and don't really care any more, so why am I hanging on to my old clothes when someone could be using them? So nice of you to give them away.

Mike Golch said...

Congrats to the winner.

Clueless said...

Sarah,

Thank you so much for commenting. I really appreciate it. I have a pair of skinny jeans which my therapist saw and asked, "if they were a child's pair?"

What you shared makes me feel not so alone and reminds me to be kinder to myself as it is a process. The body distortion runs deep.

I saw the woman that I gave the clothing to and was shocked that I was as tiny as she was, but her's is natural. Getting rid of the smallest sizes is really not good to have around.

Mike,
Thank you...it is an addiction and yes one day at a time and sometimes one minute at a time.

Jude,
Thank you for the encouragement...yes, do donate them. There are lots of people who need good quality clothing and not just "discards."

Mike, it seems like there will be a new winner.

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