One Year Anniversary!!

I know that this is not a pretty picture, but to me it represents more than 30 years struggling with self injury.  Sometime (I don't have an exact date), this month I have been completely self injury free for one year!!!  Such a tough time and such an accomplishment.  I still have thoughts and sometimes really "loud" ones like this week, but I've been able to manage my feelings and impulses better.  One goal that I have is that I am not going to end up in the hospital again!!!  This last year has been a quite a battle.  Happy Anniversay to Me!!!

one year self injury free by ClinicallyClueless on Polyvore.com

Overwhelmed Again

I don't even know how to start this, but I have been really overwhelmed by therapy and things going on in my family.  I don't have the energy to even write about it now.  I do plan to by next week depending on how I feel.  I really wanted to cover a different aspects of the Borderline Personality, for awareness week.  However, I don't have it in me...maybe, later in the year.  It doesn't have to be on the week of. 

My therapist gave me an assignment yesterday where I was supposed to do things that I liked and to take care of myself.  So, I tried to find bras at Victoria Secret without sucess.  Funny, I used to find difficulty because I was too small, now it is because I am to big.  Someone later congratulated me on my pregnancy...I'm fat, not pregnant. 

I window shopped and chatted with the ladies at Nordstrom, purchased chocolates at Godiva, ordered bras and such on line, surfed the Internet, took a nap, at dinner, and cuddled with my husband.  My husband saw my therapist last night as scheduled and came home telling me that the whole day is about me and taking care of me.

It has been tough enough that by Tuesday evening I had had three hours of therapy.  I am so overwhelmed and starting to go above my baseline of suicidal and cutting thoughts.  My goal is not to be hospitalized ever again.

More again later.... 

Go! Smell the Irish Coffee!

Have you ever had one of those times where blogging seems pointless when no one comments on your blog and you become weary.  Well, for the last several months, this was happening at a once thriving community of lots of comments and threads at Go! Smell the Coffee website.

Now, it is starting to become a similar site again especially with the addition of a new contributor, Irish Coffee, at Go! Smell the Coffee!  He brings that Irish edge with him along with a unique background.  I am definitely feeling hopeful and not so alone.  I'm glad that I stuck it out.  But, back to Irish Coffee...

Irish Coffee is a 26 year old male from Ireland. Currently writing up four years of research in Systematic Theology, while considering launching a career in life coaching. Huh, come to the website to find out more about him.

At Go! Smell the Coffee, you will also find a new thriving community of writers from, at least, five different countries with various cultures, beliefs, morals, etc.  You will also read about current events in other countries and a variety of articles regarding anything and everything from current events, fun, humour, humor, social awareness, health issues, politics...you name it anything can happen. 

Comments are unedited, so come read and share your thoughts.  Look around at the posts and you will get a feel about the site.  So, please come visit the new and improved Go! Smell the Coffee!! 

(Oh, I am a contributor to this site under the name ClinicallyClueless or Clueless or CC).  See you there!!...now, I'm off for my morning cup of black coffee...no Irish added until evening!  See you at Go! Smell the Coffee!!  (Coffee optional...we do have some tea toddlers)

Eagles in Concert ~ Wow!!!!!

Well, last time I wrote about a concert was when I couldn't stay at the James Taylor concert due to a panic attack.  This time I made it through a much more difficult situation that included a packed shoulder to shoulder tunnel to get to transportation.  I saw the Eagles at the Hollywood Bowl!!! They sounded fantastic!!!!!!!!  They still have their voices which were amazing live especially the song below  which gave me goosebumps!! The following is the studio version of No More Walks in the Wood:

No More Walks in the Wood

No more walks in the wood
The trees have all been cut down
And where once they stood
Not even a wagon rut
Appears along the path
Low brush is taking over

No more walks in the wood
This is the aftermath
Of afternoons in the clover fields
Where we once made love
Then wandered home together
Where the trees arched above
Where we made our own weather
When branches were the sky
Now they are gone for good
And you, for ill, and I
Am only a passer-by

We and the trees and the way
Back from the fields of play
Lasted as long as we could
No more walks in the wood

EAGLES IN 1975:

EAGLES IN 2008:

"Lifesong" ~ Casting Crowns ~ Worship in Song

"Lifesong"

Empty hands held high
Such small sacrifice
If not joined with my life
I sing in vain tonight

May the words I say
And the things I do
Make my lifesong sing
Bring a smile to You

Let my lifesong sing to You
Let my lifesong sing to You
I want to sign Your name to the end of this day
Knowing that my heart was true
Let my lifesong sing to You

Lord I give my life
A living sacrifice
To reach a world in need
To be Your hands and feet

So may the words I say
And the things I do
Make my lifesong sing
Bring a smile to You

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Let my lifesong sing to You

Christian Side Hug

Okay, this is supposed to be a parody on how people especially social groups, like churchs don't do full frontal hugs.  But, it would also include schools, boy scouts and other social groups especially with children. They often do "side hugs" or "off-set" front hugs.  This is supposed to be funny.  It is sung and written by a Christian group.  I've seen posts where people take this waaaaaaay too seriously.  Enjoy!!!

Side Hug by ClinicallyClueless on Polyvore.com

EMBED-Gimme Dat Christian Side Hug - Watch more free videos


Gimme Dat Christian Side Hug

Gimme dat Christian side hug

Dat Christian side hug,

Gimme dat Christian side hug

Dat Christian side hug,

I'm a ruff rider, filled up with Christ's love,

Gimme dat Christian side hug

Dat Christian side hug,

Gimme dat Christian side hug

Dat Christian side hug,

Gimme dat Christian side hug

Dat Christian side hug,

I'm a ruff rider, filled up with Christ's love,

Gimme dat Christian side hug

Dat Christian side hug.

These are the EG rules,

So pay attention- it's essential,

This aint no front hug zone

You aint that fly, you aint my jones.

Stop. Now listen.

No front hugs, no kissin,

I aint scared to call your mama-

You'll be running home in a coma.

I got my groove.

You aint got nothin'.

Follow these rules, cause we aint bluffin.

Now uh, you aint no Rabbi,

You aint no priest.

So rise up off me like shortbread without yeast.

Don't use that front hug boy-

You back up off her.

That is innapropriate, cause we want to keep our mind pure,

Want to keep away from sin,

That means it's you too girl-

Only put your arm around it.

Gimme dat Christian side hug

Dat Christian side hug,

Gimme dat Christian side hug

Dat Christian side hug,

I'm a ruff rider, filled up with Christ's love,

Gimme dat Christian side hug

Dat Christian side hug,

Gimme dat Christian side hug

Dat Christian side hug,

Gimme dat Christian side hug

Dat Christian side hug,

I'm a ruff rider, filled up with Christ's love,

Gimme dat Christian side hug

Dat Christian side hug.

We be walkin like,

We be talkin like.

We be side hugging

Every day and every night.

It's how we do fool,

This aint no club.

So don't be hatin on me

When I show you no love.

We livin holy,

It aint no thang,

So put your hands up in the air

And let that shoulder hang.

I'm goin global,

Cause you don't know me-

I'm buyin babies like Angelina Jolie.

So quit that huggin

And slow down mama,

And hit my fist like President Obama.

Now Democrats shouldn't be the Congress! People!

Now Democrats shouldn't be the Congress! People!

Ohhhhh...

Gimme dat Christian side hug

Dat Christian side hug,

Gimme dat Christian side hug

Dat Christian side hug,

I'm a ruff rider, filled up with Christ's love,

Gimme dat Christian side hug

Dat Christian side hug,

Gimme dat Christian side hug

Dat Christian side hug,

Gimme dat Christian side hug

Dat Christian side hug,

I'm a ruff rider, filled up with Christ's love,

Gimme dat Christian side hug

Dat Christian side hug.

I'm a married man,

So you know I can hold hands,

Front hug all day long

With no other demands.

But, uh, as for you,

Until you say "I do",

No front huggin or PDA,

Or your EG time is through.

Some of ya all is slick,

And try to pull this trick-

Your hug starts to the side,

But it soon turns to the chick.

So if you end up here,

Then go ahead and scream it-

When I hug people,

I leave room for the Holy Spirit!

If a girl walks up with her arms out wide

And she's up and down with that look in her eye,

You better turn to the side

and pat her on her back,

Cause Jesus never hugged nobody like that!!

Scream it!!

Gimme dat Christian side hug

Dat Christian side hug,

Gimme dat Christian side hug

Dat Christian side hug,

I'm a ruff rider, filled up with Christ's love,

Gimme dat Christian side hug

Dat Christian side hug,

Gimme dat Christian side hug

Dat Christian side hug,

Gimme dat Christian side hug

Dat Christian side hug,

I'm a ruff rider, filled up with Christ's love,

Gimme dat Christian side hug

Dat Christian side hug

Hover Kitteh

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Now For Something LIght...YouTube!!

Chris Tomlin - We Fall Down

Life from two perspectives!!

see more dog and puppy pictures

Are You Stressed?

Are you stressed now? I am. When I first saw this many, many, many years ago while in college, we were shown a 15 minute segment of it. Our professor suggested that if it was too much for us that we could put our heads down or leave and stay by the building if you were still having problems. I ended up with some others outside. The music is by Philip Glass.

The Hopi word Koyaanisqatsi (English pronunciation: KOY-ah-nis-KAHT-see) means "crazy life, life in turmoil, life out of balance, life disintegrating, a state of life that calls for another way of living." This film entilted Koyaanisqatsi: Life Out of Balance.

The films director Godfrey Reggio stated that the Qatsi films are intended to simply create an experience and that "it is up [to] the viewer to take for himself/herself what it is that [the film] means." He also said that "these films have never been about the effect of technology, of industry on people. It's been that everyone: politics, education, things of the financial structure, the nation state structure, language, the culture, religion, all of that exists within the host of technology. So it's not the effect of, it's that everything exists within [technology]. It's not that we use technology, we live technology. Technology has become as ubiquitous as the air we breathe..."

I decided to use this piece to introduce you to National Stress Management Day which is traditionally on April 16, the day after taxes are due in the US. Other countries have this day and in the US it is actually the whole month.

Stress is the normal emotional, physical and cognitive reaction to events that make you feel threatened or sets you life out of the normal balance . There are two types of stress, eustress and distress. Eustress is the "good type of stress" like weddings, birthday celebrations vacations etc. distress is the "bad type of stress," such as, divorce, death, work, etc. However, both evoke the same type of bodily reactions (fight or flight) which is mostly based in our perception of the stressor.

Everyone experiences stress which in not inherently a "bad" thing. It spurs the flight or fight resonse, so you stay focused, energetic, and alert. In emergency situations, and stress can save your life. I am generally able to handle emergency situation with ease and am able to direct and take control to direct people. It is afterward that I can really feel the stress. Stress is what helps you cope with a during a presentation or contentious meeting at work, sharpens your concentration when you’re attempting the game-winning free throw, or drives you to study for an exam when you'd rather be watching TV.

After a certain point, stress becomes detrimental to you health, mood, productivity, relationship and quality of life. The stress response also helps you rise to meet challenges. Stress is what keeps you on your toes during a presentation at work, sharpens your concentration when you’re attempting the game-winning free throw, or drives you to study for an exam when you'd rather be watching TV.

But beyond a certain point, stress stops being helpful and starts causing major damage to your health, your mood, your productivity, your relationships, your thinking and your quality of life. Stress can have significant damaging effects.

From ChangingMinds.org.

Symptoms of emotional and cognitive stress include:

• 
  
  Feeling irritable
• 
  
  Feeling frustrated at having to wait for something
• 
  
  Feeling restless
• 
  
  Unable to concentrate
• 
  
  Becoming easily confused
• 
  
  Having memory problems
• 
  
  Thinking about negative things all the time
• 
  
  Negative self-talk
• 
  
  Having marked mood swings
• 
  
  Eating too much
• 
  
  Eating when you are not hungry
• 
  
  Finding it difficult to concentrate
• 
  
  Not having enough energy to get things done
• 
  
  Feeling you can't cope
• 
  
  Finding it hard to make decisions
• 
  
  Having emotional outbursts
• 
  
  Generally feeling upset
• 
  
  Lack of sense of humor

Physical symptoms of stress include:

• 
  
  Muscle tension
• 
  
  Low back pain
• 
  
  Pains in shoulders or neck
• 
  
  Pains in chest
• 
  
  Stomach/abdominal pain
• 
  
  Muscle spasms or nervous tics
• 
  
  Unexplained rashes or skin irritations
• 
  
  'Pounding' or 'racing' heart
• 
  
  Sweaty palms
• 
  
  Sweating when not physically active
• 
  
  'Butterflies' in stomach
• 
  
  Indigestion and 'the gurgles'
• 
  
  Diarrhea
• 
  
  Unable to sleep or excessive sleep
• 
  
  Shortness of breath
• 
  
  Holding breath

Below is a short video of way of coping with stress. I would also add meditation, prayer, minfulness, breathing exercises, doing something for yourself (a warm bath, deep breathing exercises and taking time out from the stressors of daily life...go enjoy the moment or just simply relax and have fun...NOT something you feel like you have to do)

Dietician consultation

I've been falling behind in my blogging...ummm...not posting as much as I want to.  I feel like my life has been consumed (no pun intended) with my eating disorder.  Working on this issue in therapy has made me quite tired.  But, anyway...update on my first appointment with my dietician...

I was for the days after I made my appointment extremely nervous and scared. Part of this is due to the fact that I have never let anyone in on how badly my thoughts, emotions and behavior are affected by it. I guess, I've been for the first time allowing myself to really look at and realize how much of a problem it has been for close to thirty years.

Although I received an email from my mother the day Mary (dietician) and I were to meet, I was able to refocus with much effort.  The email really pissed me off.  My husband also met with us...quite unnerving as he didn't know how bad my eating disorder has been for me.

It was extremely helpful that I already knew Mary, her style and that she was quite good.  I felt really happy to see her again and in the things that she said, I am really glad that I quit my job. She was quite sensitive and attuned to my feelings and what my abilities are at this time.  She also kept asking, "what road do you want to take."  I kept bring up that not eating has been the way that I know I can lose weight. I realized that this is the only way that I have.

In talking about how much I eat, Mary noticed how focused I was on amounts and serving sizes.  So, she didn't talk about it, let me talk about it and gave my handout with that information to my husband.  In reality, I was eating one to two meals per day.  Not too bad. 

At certain points, I felt like a deer caught in headlights especially when she asked if I could eat "this amount," and when she gave me the handout on how much I should be eating. We discussed my weight and how it effects my energy and what I am able to do.

Bottom line is that my first goal is to "work on 9 small meals per day which check marks on a calendar."  Yesterday, with much effort I had four...much tougher that I thought it would be.  The second goal is to "cook, at least, once a week with my husband purchasing the food."  I realized that I don't even want to touch the food let alone, cook and eat. 

Cooking will be in steps due to my stamina and Mary not wanting me to skip dinner due to sleeping because I am tired from cooking. So, I am starting with fish packets. My husband will purchase the ingredients, one day I will cut up the veggies or my husband will purchase pre-cut ones. The next day, I will assemble and cook them using store purchased sauce.

I am quite scared about this whole process.  Mary just wants me to focus on getting used to eating a healthy amount and cooking versus picking up food. I have the knowledge, but my emotions tell me differently.  I know that by eating more that I will lose weight; however, I also don't trust that this will happen.  I am learning that I don't want to let go of something that has been my "friend" and way to control my emotions for so long.  But, I'm willing to give it a go.  I am so scared.

My Life ~ My Abuse ~ My Hope

Trigger Warning!!  Trigger Warning!!  Trigger Warning!!

This month is child abuse prevention month.  As a part of it, I wanted to share some of my life.  I have music to go with it since it is so long.  The music also goes with it very well; however, Picasa is not making movies well right now.  Hope you aren't too bored, but this is quite personal and something that I need to do.

I sort of figure a way to play the music which will be out of sync because it is not a movie, but you will get the idea.  You will need to press play for the slideshow and the music.

"Hold Fast" ~ Mercy Me ~ Worship in Song

Are You An Inventor?

Wallace is an inventor as you may already know. What would you invent to make life easier or to obtain something that you really wanted? Like obtaining cheeese!! Do tell!

EC Contest

Well, we may have another winner as Verging On has yet to respond to me.  If Verging On does not respond to me by the morning of Tuesday, April 13th, FishHawk will become the winner of the EC credits which will be transferred Tuesday afternoon.

On another note, I meet with my nutrionist on Monday.  I'm so anxious and feeling a bit defensive. I know that I'm taking proactive steps, but I'm ambivalent about them.  However, I have given some of my clothing to this woman who is quite thin and is in need of clothing to fit her. I was astonished at how thin I must have been to wear those clothes. I'm allowing my eyes to open up and accepting the problem that my eating disorder has been and is now. I'm somewhat relieved by not having the smallest sizes in the house...less pressure to fit back into them, but some of them were sooooooo cute.  Update, tomorrow.

Polyvore Eating Disorder Collage ~ Part II

Eating Disorder2 by ClinicallyClueless on Polyvore.com

Eating Disorder Collage

Eating Disorder by ClinicallyClueless on Polyvore.com

Items in this set:
help
shame
Eating Disorder
hopelessness
hands tied

I'm Sick

I'm sick...not too bad, but enough to zap the energy I did have. See you soon!

And the Winner Is...

Envelope Please...

Verging On with her caption, "I'd shave those if I were you. Better wind resistance!" 

Followed closely by FishHawk of As the Crackerhead Crumbles blog.  FishHawk's caption is "Okay, now I'm worried. For my wife says that I make it really hard for anyone to say anything good about me most of the time, and I dare not doubt that she knows what she is talking about!"

It was really tough to select the best caption because all were good and many made me laugh out loud!!  As a result of how the blogs fell into place for having their very own feature on my blog, I am happy to feature the following:

Verging On

As the Crackerhead Crumbles

Rambling Stuff

Nut Case 1

Comedy Plus

As of today, I will stop accepting advertisements on Entrecard, but will continue to drop until the adds run out.  As of this morning, Verging On will receive at least 1338 credits. This will increase as I will continue to drop and allow others to drop untill my advertisements run out.  I currently have five advertisement in my que.

Thank you very much for your participation!!!

Happy Easter!!!

White Rakhi Flower & Easter?

The following post was featured on the blog Positive Letters...Inspriration Stories by Hilary Melton-Butcher.  She so kindly let me post this.  Take a look at her inspriational blog. 

In their religious zeal, the Spaniards saw in this flower a God-given symbol of Christ’s Passion, and hailed it as an assurance of the ultimate triumph of the Cross. Each flower part bears a fancied resemblance to the instruments of the Passion:

The leaf symbolizes the spear;
The five petals and five sepals, the ten apostles (Peter who denied, and Judas who betrayed, being omitted;
The five anthers, the five wounds
The tendrils, the scourges
The column of the ovary, the pillar of the cross
The stamens, the hammers
The three stigmas, the three nails
The filament within the flower, the crown of thorns
The calyx, the glory
The white tint of the flower, purity
The blue tint, heaven
It keeps open for three days, symbolizing the three years’ of ministry


The passion flower climbed the Cross and covered its arms with flowers. [Above: Pink-white rakhi flower at Kadalakurushi near Palakkad (Kerala, India)]

Autism?

Last night, California time at least 200 significant points of interest and national monuments all around the world were lit up to glow blue.  Why?  To signify World Autism Awareness Day!! This is a basic article to educate people as to what is Autism; therefore, I will not be writing about the controversial interest regarding causes, diet and treatment very much.  (For those, who want more Google will give you some great references.  So, what is Autism?

Autism is a neurologically based developmental disorder which impacts their social, communication and social skills in which symptoms begin to occur before age three. Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) are for those that meet different criteria than the typical Autism diagnosis.  One is Asperger syndrome which has the characteristics of Autism, but lack the delays in cognitive development and language, and PDD-NOS, diagnosed when full criteria for the other two disorders are not met.

Most people with ASD have a wide range of abilities which range from mild to severe. It can coexist with other conditions, most common is mental retardation. Many famous and extremely intelligent people in history had some sort of Asperger Syndrome and have made a significant impact on science and arts.  Other misconceptions is that they are like "Rainman" and other movies and television shows that have someone who is autistic in them. 

It is estimated that Austism and ASD occur in 1 in 110 births annually.  The increase by medical professionals is attributed to increased awareness and identification by parents and physicians. The expansion of the definition to include milder symptoms. It is more common in boys that in girls. It occurs throughout the world, in families of all racial, ethnic and social backgrounds.

It is believed to have a genetic componenet as in twin and non-identical studies have been complete with interesting results. Identical twins occurred in 65% of the participants and non-identical twins occurred in 0% of those who participated. Often, there is a family history of Autism. Researchers have discovered a link of autism occuring within the structure of chromosomes 15 and 7.  Further research is very important. Physicans can identify autism by there symptoms only.  A provisional diagnosis can be made as early as 18 months and a follow up at 5 years to confirm the diagnosis.

As stated, above one of the areas effected is in social interaction.  Individual with autism often lack eye contact, interest in other children, or other people in their lives.  This is especially difficult on their mothers and unfortunately were incorrectly for many years thought to occur because of cold and distant mothers. Often, those with autism use non-verbal communication and lack social and emotional reciprocity and empathy. These symptoms do not occur in all individuals.

Another area of impairment includes communication.  Their play is not as varied and they seem not to understand the idea of play.  There are delays in speaking, conversing, repitive language, and make-believe play or social initiative.

Lastly, are difficulties in restricted interests and sterotyped behavior. Often those with autism have abnormal preoccupations, insistance on routines or rituals, repetitive motor skills mannerisms.

In Asperger's Disorder the is impairment of social interaction, restricted interests, sterotyped behaviors, causes impairment in daily life, generally there is no language delay and not cognitive delays.

In Pervasive Developmental Disorder-NOS (PPD), there is sever impairment in social interaction and communications.  There interests are also restricted and they do not meet the criteria for Autism or Asperger's.

Early identification, good education and the support of family and friends, most children with autism can improve. They require intesive teaching, speech and language therapy, occupational therapy for some and programs of preschool.  The earlier intervention begins the more effective it can be which should include systematic and organized teaching, specialized curriculum intensive interation  (20-25 hours per week between the ages of 3-5 years) and family involvement.

For adolescents and adults, they often require transitional programs from the education system.  Some an live alone and maintain employment with some guidance and others will always require someone to live with them. 

One of my clients, although he seemed to have the skills to live alone, in actuality he required much assistance at home.  I was "travel training" him to utilize public transportation to and from work and home.  This was my first time on a bus and he knew directions instantly. I came back and my supervisor asked, "So, who did the training?"  I have to admit he did.  At his job, cleaning tables he would often become fixated on one section of a table and require prompting to do something different.  His workers were very understanding.

The public, law enforcement, education system and the media need to have a better understanding of autism and ASD. "Typically" they seem them as only flapping their hands and being non-responsive to others or at the other end like "Rainman"  As stated before abilities vary.  I also had a client who had to have his specific routine at day progam and home before he left and when he arrived.  Often, he would throw an screaming and crying "tantrum"

Most people look at the parents as "why don't you do something more" when in fact the child or adult is simply distressed by the change in routine.  Others actually say, "can't you manage your own child?"  Other reasons for a "tantrum" may be too much stimulation as sound and touch are very difficult for them to handle.  They seem to have a hypersensitive neurological system.

Persons with autism see and perceive the world as different than we do, so their behavior is different which accounts for "unacceptable" public behavior. Their perception is different, so they don't understand why we seem to not understand what they see.  In the picture on the left, most will see the right center dot as being larger.  Someone with autism are not "fooled" by such perception illusion picture and will immediately say that they are the same size.  They are able to "see" through the illusions quite quickly and accurately.

Besides the color blue, a rainbow of colored puzzle pieces are most often the symbol of autism awareness.  This is because it is looked at as puzzle pieces that need to be indentified and put together.

April Fool's Day...On Me

Well, I really didn't mean for the Entrecard Caption Contest to be an April Fool's joke, but the joke is on me.  This week has been really emotional and busy and I forgot to even select a winner and write a post. Therefore, the winner will (I promise) be announced on April 5th. I'm still accepting captions until Friday. (See yesterday's post).  Have a great day and be careful...you don't know who might pull a prank.