10 Honest Things About Me!!

The Thriver's Toolbox author April Optimist gave me this award. Take a look at her blog. She is quite insightful and optimistic fits her personality. I almost always leave her blog or read her comments with a smile. She knows how to really help you look at things in a different light, but keep it real. She can also tell you the tough stuff.

With this award I'm supposed to list 10 honest things about myself.

1. I'm angry about all the things I feel like I've lost due to my depression and PTSD like a clean house, working, cooking, baking and socializing, etc... Generally, I am an over-achiever and everything needs to be just so.


2. I used to be an avid baker and cook making and tweaking my own recipes.


3. I love computer games. Right now, I'm hooked on Ouba and The Legend of El Dorado.


4. I would like to publish a book about my life one day.


5. I really want a black labrador, but sadly our house is not ready for one. I wonder if it will ever be ready.


6. I am honest to a fault. I am a terrible liar. I get myself into trouble by being honest.


7. I'm a shopaholic. Discovering online shopping was a very bad thing! It is somewhat under control right now because I am not working.


8. I love my husband and really think that he is God's gift to me. He really is as wonderful as I make him sound. My therapist thinks that he is "perfect." He gives me so much love, attention, attunement and acceptance that I didn't receive growing up. He has been so healing in my life.


9. I love God and my Christian faith is very important to me. I also have questions and seek to find resolution. I am also very protective of how the Church is viewed by society in general and will speak up if I feel something is misrepresented or misunderstood.


10. 
    
    I know that I have what it takes to get through my healing; however, sometimes, I can't see it or believe it. Deep down I know that I will get to the otherside and I am scared as to what God will ask me to do with that. :-)
    

I know that this is a cop out, but I don't have the energy to really forward this on, so if you would like to do this meme please do so. Remember to link my blog to it in someway and to forward it along. Also, let me know because I'd like to know more about you too.

Pasadena Tournament of Roses Parade!!!

For those, who live in other countries you may have had Boxing Day on your news! However, in Southern California the day after Christmas is about shopping and the Pasadena Rose Parade. (Pasadena is about 30 miles NE of LAX). By the day after Christmas, all the grandstands and most of the barriers are in place. And, lots of tourists fill the shops, entertainment venues and restaurants.

The last week is crazy, long days, no sleep, tedious work, cold evenings and days, tons of organic material and thousands of workers and volunteers!!! And, everyone praying it doesn’t rain. Planning for the next year begins on January 2nd, so no rest for the weary.

Having lived in Southern California all my life, I have had wonderful opportunities to be apart of many aspects of the parade. Three evenings a week I had the privilege of watching a float being built from frame to flowers and it was an animated float. The best part was seeing it work on television. I've had the honor of being involved in the Rose Parade in other ways.

I’ve also watched flowers and other organic material being placed. Due to allergies, never participated…bummer. For many years, I viewed the floats the day after the parade which was amazing to see them up close. I highly recommend it!!! The best was when I had the wonderful opportunity of getting up early, using a port-a-potty after a night of thousands celebrating, freezing, drinking warm coffee all bundled up, and having excellent grand stand seats to watch the parade live and in person.

I was much younger when I saw the Rose Parade live. I couldn’t do it now. I wasn’t that excited, until the parade started. To actually see the parade in person was absolutely spectacular. It is something to experience at least once in your life. The floats are amazing, the colors, the size, the animation, the bands, the horses all to view the float for seconds as the parade travels 5 ½ miles over a two hour period. It also must pass under a freeway over pass. This year they have the most number of floats, forty-six. And, they estimate 1.5 million people will line the streets to watch it live.

From the Official Tournament of Roses Website , “On Thursday, January 1, 2009 at 8 a.m. (PST), millions of spectators from around the world will celebrate the New Year with the 120th Rose Parade themed Hats Off To Entertainment. The Rose Parade will once again feature the beautiful pageantry and tradition of magnificent floral floats, high-stepping equestrians and spirited marching bands.” The Grand Marshal for the 2009 Tournament of Roses is Cloris Leachman.

The Rose Parade began in 1890. It started out as a real estate “advertisement” to show the east coast the mild weather…we no longer need advertising! "In New York, people are buried in snow...Here our flowers are blooming and our oranges are about to bear. Let's hold a festival to tell the world about our paradise." If January 1st ever falls on a Sunday, the Rose Parade must be held on the 2nd. That tradition started because the horses outside of the churches along the parade route might be spooked.

“The Rose Parade's elaborate floats have come a long way since the Tournament's early days. Today, float building is a multi-million dollar business. Although a few floats are built solely by volunteers from their sponsoring communities, most are built by professional float building companies.

Float construction begins shortly after the previous year’s Parade is over. The process starts with a specially built chassis, upon which is built a framework of steel and chicken wire. In a process called “cocooning”, the frame is sprayed with a polyvinyl material, which is then painted in the colors of the flowers to be applied later.

Every inch of the float must be covered with flowers or other natural materials, such as leaves, seeds, or bark. Volunteer workers swarm over the floats in the days after Christmas, their hand and clothes covered with glue and petals. The most delicate flowers are placed in individual vials of water, which are set into the float one by one.

Computerized animation has had an enormous impact on Rose Parade floats. Recent Parade floats have featured working roller coasters, a 50-foot replica of the Statue of Liberty, a robotic chef with moving arms, a working water slide and more, all controlled by computers. But through all the changes, the Rose Parade has remained true to its floral beginnings, and each float is decorated with more flowers than the average florist will use in five years."

After every Rose Parade, the floral masterpieces are parked in Pasadena and exhibited for visitors to walk by and see in close detail the design and workmanship that goes into these floats. Visitors are able to walk within a few feet of the floats and appreciate for themselves the creativity and the imagination of the floral displays. Seeing the floats in person is truly amazing.

Pictures and television do not do them justice. And, you don't get the beautiful smell of all the flowers or a sense of variety or detail. (Achoo!!) Remember, everything must be covered by organic materials.

I realize that there is a lot of waste in terms of money and organic materials which they try to recycle as much as possible. However, I overlook that because of the tradition and just how absolutely amazing the Rose Parade has become from being this little real estate venture. What a small idea turned into an inspirational parade.

This is an excerpt from last year’s parade:

More information can be found at the following sites:

http://www.tournamentofroses.com/ (The quoted information is from this site.)

http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1216/is_n1_v190/ai_13539852/pg_1?tag=artBody;col1

http://www.nationmaster.com/encyclopedia/Tournament-of-Roses-Parade

Happy New Year!!!!

Self-hatred and Borderline Personality Disorder

I want to give you some background of what was going on in therapy prior to Christmas. My therapist and I started to talk about my self-hatred and self-loathing. Previously, we had talked about how my whole world is filtered through “I am bad.”
However, the truer statement is that everything in my world gets filtered through my self-hatred. I am beginning to see how so much I do is rooted in that from my perfectionism, self-injury, eating disorder, “I am bad,” suicidal thoughts and the list goes on.

In trying to work with this issue, all of my defenses have been really active. I am ultra sensitive to anything that I can perceive as a criticism which is everything. I can turn everything into “I am bad.” My fragmenting, dissociation, suicidal thoughts and self-injury urges have all increased.

My sense of grounding seems elusive. It is like I can only hold on to it for a very short period of time. I am also really wanting to withdraw from everything and everyone for fear that I will say or do the wrong thing.
This is a very painful place to be in and the only way to feel better is to work through this. Not my idea of fun. My self-hatred is also impacted by my major depression and post traumatic stress disorder. They are actually all intertwined, but my self-hatred has its roots in my borderline personality disorder which was established in infancy. The following are some excerpts that are helpful in explaining how self-hatred and borderline personality disorder interact and why healing takes so long.
Lost in the Mirror: An Inside Look at Borderline Personality Disorder by Richard Moskovitz

"When you are bad, you may feel entitled to nothing. You may feel responsible for all that is evil and expect punishment. If punishment does not come, you may invite it from others or inflict it on yourself".

Borderline Personality Disorder Articles by A.J. Mahari, BPD and self-hate, BPD from the inside out

"Borderlines are well known for self-hate. The irony is they often don't know who they really are. The question is who is his "self-hate" really directed at? Working through this self-hate is the only way to find your true self and to stop living such a life of pain and angst.

The "self" that most borderlines hate is really not who they are. It is an over-identification with who they think they are based upon having taken over the role of their past abusers or of those who neglected them and/or could not/did not meet their needs as young children.

It is not possible to get the real you without first going through the pain of why you have created more of your identity from someone else than from within. This is usually the result of buse, neglect, unmet needs, denial and having your feelings repeatedly invalidated. The process to find your real self can be long and difficult. It is a worth-while process though because it will free you from hating the self that you think you are. The self that is really modeled more on someone else from your past.

Healing from BPD, in large part, means maturing emotionally in ways that you were not able to due to unmet needs and or abuse when you were younger. It also involves changing thought patterns which will lead to changes in behaviour and then changes in how you feel which will lead to a re-newed sense of who you really are.

Self-hate is a waste of precious time. Life will pass you by if you
stay there. You will not be happy. You will not be fulfilled. Truthfully, if you hate yourself, whatever aspect of identity that means for you, you will not be able to be open and present enough for others to truly love you. Self-hate for many borderlines is not as much about actual hate of "self" as it is about actual hate of not knowing who one's "self" really is.

This tranistional place can very much resemble classic borderline NO-WIN and is therefore very hard to push through. You need to push through it to change your self-hatred for your false self to a burgeoning like of the real self that will begin to emerge with a choice to change. And having been through it I can attest to the fact that it is not a NO-WIN situation at all. It is the most wonderful thing that you can do for your real 'self'!"

I hope this helps explain a bit about what has been going on and why it is so difficult for me to post, leave comments and respond to comments on the blog. I am really trying to push through, but sometimes my brain is foggy, I don’t have the energy or I can’t fight through all the negative stuff in my head. However, I am thinking that Monday, I will be able to write about Christmas.

Where Am I?

I just wanted to let you know that Christmas went well, but triggered things that I don't quite know what it is, yet. I am feeling depressed, withdrawn and very protective. I know that I've numbed out. Seems like I'm afraid to talk or do anything right now. I am working with this in therapy and I'm okay. Just not quite ready to write or even talk about what is going on. Oh, and I am really tired, but still having disruptive sleeping. I wish I could say more, but that is all for now.

"Experience Pearls" ~ Aaron Ryan Gayah

Thank you Aaron. On December 3rd, he dedicated this photo to CC!! That was really sweet and brightened my day. I'm glad that there was not spider to be seen, just the beautiful web. I've never seen anything like this before. It is entitled, "experience pearls," which I love.

Webs are so strong and amazing, but can be quite delicate. I look at this picture and besides just the beauty of it, I think look at all the weight from the water, yet, it does not break. That is kind of how I feel sometimes. I can see and feel the weight of my experiences, yet, I do not break or become destroyed. Eventually, only "experience pearls," will be left. Thank you again Aaron for your thoughtfulness and artistry!!

"experience pearls"

(Hotel Bellavista, Impruneta, Italy)

By Aaron Ryan Gayah

Visit his Blog: "whatever it takes ...keeping the faith..."

Enjoy our differences!!!

The above diagram is a very small percentage of a PDF file entitled "Xmas for Engineers," that my husband brought home for me. I thought it was hilarious and it was written as an actual diagram proposal. I floated through his company extremely fast.

To me it shows the differences about how everyone, not just men and women, approach problems, emotions, life etc. differently. For my husband, it needs to make objective, logical sense and be detailed.

Fortunately, he also has another side that can deal with emotions and social interactions well; however, he is an introvert. As am I, which means that social contact is draining for us versus extroverts for whom social contact is energizing.

I love my husband and learning how he thinks. From there, I go to how to we approach this problem taking into account both of our problem solving styles. I don't try to change him. I love just simply getting to know him better. I'm glad that he has a sense of humour about his own profession as do I. Oh, what I could share...

In the meantime, celebrate each other's differences. Don't try to change them. Appreciate that they think differently because it makes us a better person. Work with the differences instead of trying to make them think like you do.

"Okay, dear...you go ahead with the Christmas decorations. I've planned to go shopping for a few days is that enough time?" Sorry, if I offended any engineers!! We couldn't live without you!! :-)

Post Christmas Blues? Let down?

Holiday let down the day after Christmas?

How to Beat Post Holiday Depression:

5 Tips to Head Off the Blues

(from Associated Content)

The tree has been packed away, there are lingering decorations here and there, your kids are bored with their toys already, and the hype of the holidays has sizzled to a stale moment alone with a dirty house. Sound depressing? It can be very disappointing to work for months towards a few weeks of 'fun' only to find that it is abruptly over and you have to get back into the mundane grove of things pronto. Well, don't let the post-holiday depression set in this year. Try these 5 ways of beating it, and keep your holiday glow about you.

1. Compile memories

With all of the pictures you have collected just hanging out on your camera, don't wait to get them on your computer or into a scrapbook. Looking at the 'memories' of the fun you had over the holidays will give you a spark of cheer into January. Purchase some scrapbooks from the after holiday sales and set to work. Date and caption the pictures, add little holiday foam shapes, and cut out crazy borders. You will be amazed at your sense of accomplishment, and your family will enjoy looking at it when it is all done. Who can be depressed with a project this fun?

2. Leave something up

It's not a sin to leave some decorations up after Christmas (although, if it starts to approach June, you should probably reconsider). But leaving up a wreath on your door, the garland on your banister, or some lights will give you a warmth inside even post-holidays. Take your decorations down slowly instead of all at once. This will make the task easier, and make you less prone to depression. Stripping your house on New Year's is the worst mistake you can make when trying to beat post-holiday depression; it makes you very aware of the 'end' and tires you out before the day is through. So don't worry about taking it all down just yet. Take your time, and leave some key decorations up for a little while.

3. Keep busy

The best thing you can do for yourself is to do something for others. Don't dwell on disappointments that may have occurred. Just start anew. Look around yourself and see what condition those around you are in. If you see that your 65-year-old neighbor is having trouble removing snow, go out and help. Invite your friends over for hot chocolate and conversation. Don't keep to yourself or you'll find the dark shadows of depression creeping up on you.

4. Exercise

If you've gained weight over the holidays, than there is no time like the present to get it off. It's easy to get depressed thinking about how much food you stuffed yourself with, but don't let it get to you. Start an exercise routine and follow through. Even if you haven't gained weight, you will feel energized and better able to face new challenges. Exercise lightens the load in more ways than one. So don't excuse yourself, just get exercising.

5. Time out

The holidays take up so much time, that you've probably neglected yourself. Beat the post-holiday depression by taking the time to do something for yourself. Go shopping for a few new items of clothing with your holiday gift money, or use those holiday gift cards that you've stacked up. But if you don't want to face the malls anymore, than just draw a hot bath, and relax with a good book. If you are feeling burnt, than don't just keep going. Take some time out and kiss those post-holiday blues goodbye!