Do you ever feel like I do...take a look!

Madonna ~ "Borderline"

In college, since many of us had borderline personality disorders we gladly embraced the song as our theme. I hope that you find it as humorous as we did. Plus, it is a great dancing song. Enjoy a flash from my past!!

I got brave or is it stupid or crazy!!

My answer is that I got brave and bold. I added a summary of my repressed memories to my side bar. I've been thinking about it since I started and then began to slowly test things out on other people's blogs. Terrified of their reactions. This is where my borderline thinking comes in and is not very helpful. I received an email this morning from a friend who asked if I was okay. Well, okay is a relative term.

Now I'm scared. I feel like something bad is going to happen and that no one will like me or read my blog anymore. I know I am not thinking straight about this. All sorts of insecurities and bad thoughts in my head. It just makes the abuse more real and a part of me doesn't want it to be real and I've avoided it for many years.

I am proud of myself for doing it, but there are repercussions. I keep thinking that I did something wrong and that someone is going to yell or hit me. It has also increased my depression and desire to cut or bruise. So, I know I need to take PRN's today.

What I wrote are some of the things that I'm starting to integrate in therapy which sucks. I think it helps to put things into context. The biggest thing is that I told. I actually told anyone that visits my site and reads the sidebar. Feeling very vulnerable, raw and tearful...seeing on the computer screen makes it so much more real. I am beginning to have more compassion for my little girl instead of hatred and wanting to kill her off.

It is triggering more of the flashbacks that I've been having anyway, but it has increased them in intensity and frequency. I'm also feeling pretty disconnected. Writing helps even though, I am rambling and jumping thoughts. I still am in a little bit of shock, but the responses have been great. Thank to those who have been encouraging. Can I take it down now...I don't really mean that I would. It is just really tempting.

Tagged Again!! This one is fun!!

The fabulous Catatonic Kid tagged me with this one which I actually like because you get to know something about someone else. But, then the problems is "how do I answer?" Pressure like there is a right or wrong answer...NOT!!

1) what was the best moment of your life? Exchanging wedding vows in front of a few friends and family (240). That was such an intense moment and in the wedding pictures there is a close up of me listening to my husband.

2) if you could pick a superpower what would it be? This is a tough one because I have difficulty thinking of a superpower, so I'll just say that I like CK's answer of invisibility. I like it because I sometimes feel like I need to be invisible. The other reason is to freak people out by moving things or saying something.

3) if there was one thing that you could do, with no limits of any kind what, would it be? Have enough money to earn my doctorate in clinical psychology and provide free to low cost long-term care for those who need it and have the funding to have a clinic for this type of service plus a fantastic hospital program and to provide the same type of service and training for my church including outreach to homeless and other needs in the community (i.e. nursing homes, board and care, outpatient programs etc...)

4) what’s the weirdest dream you’ve ever had? My husband is the one with the weird dreams, but I can't tell his stuff. All I can really remember is having nightmares and flashback dreams. Not so weird as disturbing waking up screaming or unable to do so.

5) what is the weirdest thing about you? I don't know if I would call it weird, but one thing that surprises people (Sorry, Bradley) is that I can be very intense and serious and extremely silly, playful and humorous. (You know that my spelling is getting really messed up because a lot of people I correspond with on the Internet are from UK, Australia and Canada...now, I don't know how to spell at least I don't have to deal with pronunciation.

6) what’s your favorite self made philosophy? My philosophy, but from God, "...love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul and all your mind...love your neighbor as yourself." (Matthew 22:37-39, NLT)

7) what question has been the most annoying unanswered question of your life? I don't know about annoying, but I have many questions to ask God. One is why do men sexually peak in their teens and 20's and women in their 40's. Okay, that is a silly one, but one I'd still like to know. The most bothersome one is "why does he allow people to do such horrendous things to each other?" Theologically and cognitively I understand, but I will never truly understand this...but, I'm not God...I'm not Dog either which is what I first wrote.

8 ) Why do you blog? As a form of therapy and to really tell the truth of my life and have someone listen. It is a place that I can be completely myself, faults and all (thanks Shiv). A place where I can express myself, receive and give support, encouragement and validation.

I’m tagging the entertaining Bradley and my new friend Ashe.Selah. I sure hope this means she stays my friend.

Entry: June 13, 2005 ~ 9 pm - after session

Geoffrey~

I'm feeling really anxious tonight. Wanting to die, take the pills. Really wanting to cut or bruise. But, I am determined to keep my promise of not doing so until I see you...

[This entry is directly following the session where I read my last post and we talked about my inability to stop bruising and how overwhelmed, out of control, my inability to focus and how bad the flashbacks were. He suggested that we slow down a little. Additionally, the pillow that I had been hugging for the past year and a half, I was now taking home which was a huge source of comfort. It is three years since this period and I still have it and need it.]Like a security blanket. It was my transitional object (a representation of the "good mother," a source of comfort and reassurance that Geoffrey still existed even when I couldn't hear or see him.) Geoffrey was the "good mother," my source of comfort which was and is really scary to feel.]

...Today in session, I was really anxious, but tried really hard not to go away...felt buzzy and my hands kept getting numb. I find the writing extremely helpful and although it is difficult, I like sharing it with you...feels like I often share what I may not have if it were not written down. Also, surprised by what I do write. What I shared today was really difficult and I felt so vulnerable and exposed...said somethings that I was not even aware of or could not admit to myself before.

I feel bad about slowing down a bit, but also relieved...not so much pressure. I felt so much like crying. It feels kind of stuck. I still feel like crying...I think some of it is the pressure (I really don't want to go to work tomorrow) of work and trying to manage my emotions and defenses. Also, feels sad realizing that this is how I felt everyday after the Tylenol [my overdose at 15 that I wrote about in Entry: May 29, 2005 - evening] ...felt like crying, but so much pressure not to, thinking about killing myself, the self-injury...and just generally feeling awful...just a mixture of stuff. Felt food to talk about PRT (pain, rage, terror) versus hurt, anger and fear [I had only been using the milder terms to talk about my feelings when the other ones were more accurate because I did not want to deal with the intensity. Usually, I am very exact in the words I choose which is also why using awful indicates how young my trauma began because I couldn't find any other words.] I think PRT is a more accurate description of how I felt from a very young age.

I keep wondering if you are really okay with continuing the five days per week and with being so available. I think I'm having a really difficult time not going into bad. Everything seems to make me go there even the "positive" feelings. It really feels like quite a bind that I can't get out of. Sometimes, it really feels like I need to justify existing. Not even sure I understand what that means. I'm really wanting to take the pills and bruise myself. But, I keep remembering the promise I made not to do so until I see you tomorrow.

Sometimes I feel like I'm in trouble with the suicidal thoughts, but not hospitalization trouble...or maybe it is just being on the edge. When I'm in the "fuck you" mode is when it gets scary for me because then there are not as many limits. I suppose I could leave you a message during those times as I really haven't been. I try to tough it out and shut you out which just makes the pressure worse...the like I'm going to implode...like when I took the Tylenol...I was angry and in the "fuck you" mode along with, so many other feelings.

Sometimes, I wonder if you are really okay with continuing to work with me...there it is again, "are you angry and are you going to leave." So, many conflicts within...often times quite overwhelming.

Observations: This time I viewed things in terms of borderline personality disorder one with the self-image of being bad; two, the abandonment issues; and three the extreme thinking, splitting, all or nothing. Additionally, the going away and the numbing of my extremities was part of dissociating. All evident and all out of control some. I was a mess and having difficulty not dissociating (borderline and PTSD symptoms).

Entry: June 11/12, 2005 ~ 9:00 pm/4:00 pm

Geoffrey,

You suggested that I write about being scared about facing my sadness and pain. I think my bruising and the suicidal thoughts are a reaction to what we have been talking about...I don't think I realized how much sadness and pain...and terror are all involved. (Feeling buzzy now) Sometimes, it is easier to be angry, even though that scares me too. But, the sadness and pain really scare me...partly because my immediate response to feeling it is wanting to die followed by wanting to kill myself...and I feel really bad...like I'm bad because those feelings are there. I'm not supposed to be sad or hurt. Feels so intense and awful. Feels like I went through everyday feeling like I was bad, that something was wrong with me, that it was my fault that I hurt...that I could somehow do something to change it or I made it happen.

I think I was depressed all the time, at least, since first grade. Right now, I don't remember before. Felt like wanting to cry out of pain or fear most of the time or wanting to scream out of anger or confusion. Crying scares me so much because I feel so out of control and I tried so hard not to let anyone know how much I hurt and wanted to cry.

Did not dare cry in front of my father or about him...never let him see how much he hurt me...never let my Mom know because she gets so angry or cries. Never cry in front of James...don't know what will happen..probably get teased or told I'm being dramatic or just trying to get attention. Never cry in front of my Mom...don't know if she will be angry or if I will need to discount my feelings, so she will calm down or so that I can take care of her. Never let her know how much she hurt me when she yelled, screamed, hit me or took his side. Don't let anyone know how scared I was all the time of someone, including me, getting hurt or dying...wished sometimes, James or my mother, would die. But, I always wanted to die.

Scared to let anyone know how afraid I was of James. How afraid I was of my mother. Scared to let anyone know how bad I felt everyday. I just wanted to die. I wanted to make the pain stop. I wanted my mother to make James go away. I wanted her just to give me a little bit of comfort...no where to really go for that. (Damn, tearing up now!)

I'm really terrified to feel how much pain I was in. Just thinking about some of the things is overwhelming. It is like I don't want to admit or talk about what was so painful and in someways terrifying. Feels like I'm going to die...I get buzzy, my chest hurts and feels like I can't breathe. Just feeling how bad I felt I was and how much that was reinforced seems so overwhelming and makes me want to go away and just die.

The suicidal thoughts are so strong. If I died it would make the pain stop. After the Tylenol overdose, the wanting to die or kill myself became everyday thoughts. I lost ALL hope that things would ever change for the better, it proved things would just get worse, proved I needed to hide my feelings, that no one would ever understand how I felt or care, felt so alone, so scared, so confused, so overwhelmed, so anxious, so bad and so hopeless. [I was only in 15 when I took the overdose]

Felt like I really numbed out and made a vow that I would never tell. I lost any hope that there would ever be anyone that would listen to me, comfort me and understand. Felt like everyone and everything became even more unsafe...no one was ever going to understand or help me (Tearing up now).

I don't want to feel those feelings again even though I really didn't feel them then. But, it makes me so anxious thinking about it now...The feeling, so alone, unheard and misunderstood. Feel so hopeless...really want to kill myself. Whenever, I start to feel just a bit of my pain, rage or terror, I go to the wanting to kill myself, cut, bruise or burn. At least, that is pain I can control and it will numb me out.

Feels like pain, rage and terror are the feelings that I defend against the most. Seem most threatening...like if I allow myself to go there something really bad will happen. I really want to bruise and take the pills and curl up and die. Everyday, I really had thoughts of dying or killing myself, like now (Tearing up again)

Yesterday, I really fought hard against the wanting to kill myself and bruise. But, today before I fully woke up, I just began to bruise myself and even once I realized what I was doing, I didn't want to stop. Now, I'm feeling really bad and angry at myself for not only starting, but for not stopping.

Leaving you messages this afternoon helped as did remembering seeing and hearing you in the hallway telling me that you really don't want me to die. I think my acting out is both a reaction to what we have been talking about and a defense against feeling more. I'm so scared you are going to leave me in the middle of this and that I will have no where to go. I'm also not feeling safe with me. I really feel out of control and occasionally go into I don't care what I do anymore...I just don't want to feel anymore. But, the feelings are there anyway, so I can either shut them down which creates so much pressure and anxiety or I can trust that you will help me through this and that I can do so.

I know God has been in control of my healing process all along, even with putting us together. I got through 12 years with your before, I suppose I can do this too. It just hurts so much and I feel so hopeless, bad, anxious, overwhelmed and scared all the time.

Sometimes, I wonder if you know that and how difficult this is for me and how confused and jumbled up my feelings seem to me. And, do you know how much it scares me that I usually look forward to being able to talk to you at the end of the day...it seems to help me get through the day (feeling buzzy now) Thinking of putting my hand through a window. The suicidal ideation is really specific now. But, yes I do hear and see you telling me that you don't want me to die. And, I hear myself promising you that I won't kill myself or harm myself.

But, I did break the promise of not bruising. But I was serious when I told you I wouldn't. I think the thoughts are just so loud and I went into auto pilot this morning. I wasn't even fully awake. When I was young, it used to happen when I was just watching television at home alone or in the morning before school or work when I was older...

Right now, I really just want to die. My way of saying how intense things feel. Maybe the same with some of the acting out. Either way I just feel really awful and bad.

Observation: This was a long entry, but at the time it was like writing helped keep me together. It was my survival and my way of knowing that Geoffrey was going to really hear what goes on in my head. When I wrote this out, one of the things that stood out was the Borderline Personality Disorder struggle to trust the very person who can help. My ambivalence including him about so many things gets acted out behaviorally because I had not other words and could not tolerate the feelings at this point in time. There were times when I twisted everything he said into criticism and then would become angry just so I could push him away or that he would push me away. Sometimes, he made mistakes, but then always too responsibility and apologized which was helpful, but extremely painful. There was the Borderline dilemma of pushing and pulling.

Viral Tagging ~ Tag, you are it!!

I had been tagged by Shiv's Brain to do a viral linking post and here the benefits of viral linking go:

One of the fastest ways to see your technorati authority explode!
Increase your google page rank quickly
Attract large volume of new traffic to your site
What more does a blogger want? :D The not-so difficult rules:
I am selecting 5 of my favorite bloggers and all you have to do is tag 5 other people and the list goes on.

Catatonic Kid
Writing To Survive
The Hopeful Borderline
BPD in OKC
Thoughts and Musings of a Girl... Interrupted

One important rule is just keep adding your blog to the long list! Do not delete the other blogs. This is a viral linking post!
And the blogs tagged are:
Here comes the loooooong list! Add your blog to the end of the list!
The Strategist Note Book
The Classy Life
Agenc Was Here
When Life Becomes a Book
The Haven

The FireWalker
crystrad
nadnuts
ThomasWelcome
Maitri

Dhanosh
Marketing Myself
Brawny Hunk
Motorparasi
Nicksplat

Annette
Super Hero Extraordinare
Everyday should be Christmas
The Gadget Guru tech
Available Light

Dad’s Dish
What Goes Under the Sun
One Quart Low
Stephan Miller
Mental Poo

Search for Blogging
Renatodoxaguia
Angel Baby
The Sleeping Turtle Art Gallery
Hanna

JollyJo
Olga the traveling bra
Concept is addict
Postarelibero
Nokhathai

Momreviews
Into the Rabbit Hole
Smile! Tomorrow could be a lot worse!
Wicked Whispers
Anand’s blog

A Mind Boiling Over
Discorax’s House of Woot
Blogging from the Bog
Shiv’s Brain
Secret Spiritual Dance

Jay's Art & words
Meryine's Spandomism
Clinically Clueless
Bipolar Swirl
How Is Bradley?
Have fun doing this fruit-bearing meme.

Entry: June 10, 2005 ~ 6:00 pm - waiting for session

Geoffrey,

It has been a rough day. Beginning with this morning and bruising myself. I feel badly that I did it and that I didn't keep my promise to you that I wouldn't. I don't know. I guess I didn't fight hard enough against the impulse. Three days in a row now. Seems to help calm me down feel less anxious, overwhelmed and angry.

I wonder what is going on...some of it relieves my tension, my anger...maybe, my way of saying how hard it has been for me...maybe saying how bad or how angry I feel...or maybe how much I hurt inside...maybe all of the above.

Kind of scared because I feel a bit out of control like I can't stop. Sort of feels like I need you to tell me that you don't want me to bruise myself and that you want me to stop. There is a part of me that doesn't want to because it has a calming effect. But, I wouldn't be telling you if I didn't want to stop.

The suicidal thoughts were stronger today. I really wanted to purchase the alcohol and thought about jumping. Feeling hopeless and scared. Maybe, it would have helped to take the morning off work...the afternoon just seemed too difficult to so so...too many people involved. Kept waking up last night either tearful or panicked. Feels like I really need some sleep.

Leaving you messages today helped, so did finger painting. Still, feels like I just want to curl up and die. I've been thinking about how self-destructive my defenses are. Everything is self-attacking like you said. It is like I turn everything inward, but I've been trying to do the opposite by talking to you, leaving messages, writing, finger painting, and destroying your pillow.

Growing up everything was turned inward most of the time. Didn't let anyone know how bad it was or how angry, scared, overwhelmed, anxious, confused, alone, self-destructive, suicidal or how sad I was. I guess things were not just sad, but painful. Feels like I really defend against the painful part; however, some of my defenses are physically painful. Maybe, part of what I'm trying to say is how painful things were.

Okay, now I'm getting really buzzy and faint. Feels so much like I need to keep talking to you...in many forms. Feeling tearful...just really feels good to have you just be available and listen and understand and care about what I say and do. Sometimes, I feel like I have so much to share with you. Sometimes, I want to, but I'm always afraid to do so. Sometimes, I just want to go away. Sometimes, I just want to be able to cry with you. Feeling tearful all week. Maybe, that is some of the pressure and tension.

I feel out of control with the bruising. I can't seem to stop. I'm afraid that you will be angry. Sometimes, I wonder if I am more afraid that you'll be accepting, comforting and will stay with me. Maybe, afraid of both. Seems all so confusing. But, I think I need your help to set some limits since I seem to be having so much difficulty.

Finger painting completed during this day, 6/10/05, two picture out of three. More of the same feelings just being more focused and the rage increasing which is part of the bruising. However, finger painting is not helping me to stop from bruising.

Color Legend:

Red=pain/anger

Orange=rage

Purple=terror

Blue/light bluish/lavender/grey=sadness, crying, tears, hopelessness

Observations: I was obviously seriously out of control with my bruising specifically. I really could not stop. I didn't say this before, but it is assumed that during this whole time I was continuing to have flashbacks, panic attacks and disrupted sleeping even though I was taking more medication than many of my clients...and they took a lot. At this point, I still was working full time as a social worker. I was starting to fall behind a little bit at a time because I couldn't seem to focus and concentrate to complete my reports. Visits, id notes, returning calls and other forms of documentation were okay. Sometimes, my whole goal was just to be present and not "go away" during the day or panic.

Calls to Geoffrey helped as did a couple of good friends at work, but at this point most people did not know or were not supportive. I felt like I was going crazy. My supervisor was supportive and accommodating, but I was not telling her how badly things were going. I still thought that I could pull a couple of good weekends working and catch up, but I couldn't due that due to my lack of concentration and fatigue. That particular month was extremely difficult as it was the busiest month of the entire year.

I was still in therapy five days per week. If I left the from the office, it took from an hour to an hour and a half or more. If I left from the field it took an hour or so. The return trip is 45 minutes to an hour. The days were very long, but I don't know what I would have done without therapy daily. It was what helped me get through the day. Flashbacks of emotional, physical and sexual abuse continued to be intrusive and I was super hypervigilant.

This is a bit strange because as I am typing my journal entries, I am realizing how compromised I was. Yet, at the time, I thought I was handling things okay. I guess I was barely managing. It was so important to me that I be able to work because then I was "okay."

Doesn't everyone feel overwhelmed, panicked, awful, have panic attacks, inability to concentrate, injure themselves and fight suicidal thoughts all day while working full time? It was normal to me because this is how I felt most of the time growing up!! And that was without medications, this is on medications!! I'm reading what I wrote and going I was really in serious trouble and should not have been working! But, I'll deny it, if you ask!!! Even now!! I was/am just fine!!!

Entry: June 8, 2005 ~ morning fingerpainting

These are the finger paintings that I completed on the morning of the last journal entry. These a difficult for me to look at, but I will do my best. I know it will be a step in integrating what I don't even want to look at that is inside me. But, if I really didn't I wouldn't be blogging about them. I guess, I'm just expressing my ambivalence about my feelings and continuing on with this painful process.

It is strange that even though these were done three years ago that I find it hard to look at still. I'm still in process. Well, no duh!! There are four of them completed one after the other and displayed in order. Again, the pictures do not show the colors well especially in terms of how brilliant they are.

Again, colors mean the same to me:

Red=pain/anger
Orange=rage
Purple=terror
Blue/light bluish/lavender/grey=sadness, crying, tears, hopelessness

The colors in this one are actually darker. Looking at it today. I read it left to right and see a solid base of terror. Then, hopelessness and a bit of sadness with a lot of tears beginning to move out of it. There is also pain starting in the terror and disappearing as it moves through the picture. I don't think it is disappearing as much as it is hidden by the other emotions.

This is your brain on drugs!! No, just kidding, but that is what was jokingly going through my head. I'd rather joke then tell you what I really see. First off, the orange is actually red with only a small amount of orange in the lower right corner. I think that little funny looking thing in the middle is me curled up full of fear and sadness and surrounded first by sadness that is completely surrounded by terror with protrusions of rage, pain and terror. There seems to be a lot of movement and intense feeling in this one. I still feel unsettled by it now.

This one scares me the most because it is the most intense and filled with terror, deep sadness/emptiness, loss, pain, rage, death, dying and hopelessness. Which matches the way I've been acting out, my bruising. Acting out meaning telling you what I feel or think through my behavior instead of other means, telling you behaviorally. All behavior is a way that someone communicates a thought or a feeling, usually feeling. Speaking of that. This one feels a bit out of control and all over the place which would match how I was feeling then as indicated in both my behavior and journal entries.

The lighter orange is actually red. I think the last one scared me so much that this one became more subdued and structured. It seems like a reaction to the other one. Just more of the same feelings. I think the last one represented the most of how I was feeling at the time. In this particular case, this was one of the times that finger painting increased my anxiety and thoughts, so did not help in preventing me from bruising. (Bruising to the point of drawing blood. I have to call it bruising, for now. Just as I am having difficulty accepting my self injury, I am having difficulty accepting my painting and the feelings that I am still trying to integrate now.)