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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Does it Always Come Back to Abandoment?

I recently asked myself...does it always come back to abandonment issues?  Well, the answer is primarily yes for those of us with borderline personality disorder or those with those traits.  The number one criteria for this diagnosis is "frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment."  It is a key or The key issue for those with borderline personality disorder, so much of our life revolves around it making live quite difficult.

Recently, with my husband working 6 days per week, 10-15 hours per day has been difficult and I realized that it had kicked up my fear of abandonment issues and issues in my past.  I thought that I was doing well as I was not fragmenting, was flexible and was supportive and understanding.  Well, because I am working on my eating disorder and keeping a log of what I eat.  My therapist and I noticed a pattern that when things with my husband's schedule became more unpredictable I would eat less and numb out, not feeling abandoned or disappointed.  I'm still working on feeling...sigh!!

Last weekend, my therapist was out of town, so I didn't see him on Friday as usual.  Again, I thought that I was okay with this even with my husband working on Saturday.  Saturday was the day that I really did not eat much.  Not a good way of coping.  When he returned Monday, he informed me that the week before Memorial Day that he was going to be out of town Thursday through Sunday.  This really kick up my abandonment fears as I usually see him on Thursday and Friday.

Then, to add to all of this, he is on jury duty and he was called to be seated for a trial.  This means that I won't see him and that we will only have telephone sessions this week.  I know that it seems like a little thing, but I feel like I'm losing some of my grounding and up comes the irrational thoughts of "he doesn't care, he is rejecting me, he doesn't want to see me, he is glad to take a break from me....and the list goes on."

I also did not realize that this past weekend that I was a bit more agitated and needed to take my PRNs.  Duh!!  My feeling and thoughts of abandonment and anger are going to be there and are unavoidable because that is just where my brain goes.  The key is to accept it and manage it from there instead of trying to numb, deny or let my irrational thoughts and feelings take over.  I am learning how to manage them, but right now I usually just numb out which is not a desirable way to deal with it.

Additionally, with my sprained ankle, I had to cancel a long ago scheduled lunch with two of my friends, but they had not responded back to me.  I didn't receive a response until the night before which was prompted by my leaving a voice message.  I know that they have been really busy with work, but I feel angry like I wasn't worth it.

It all goes back to I was abandoned before and think that there is something wrong or "bad" with me and that I am abandonable...it is all about me without regard to the actual circumstances...at times...I am getting better.

So, yes my brain is wired to go back to abandonment.  I need to just accept myself that I will go down this path and then make adjustments.  I get stuck in my anger or that I am "bad."

3 comments:

Wanda's Wings said...

Our past can really complicate how we react to the present. I am sorry you are going through a difficult time. Hang in there.

J said...

hey CC! Hope that your week has improved. hang in there! Thanks for always keeping up with my writings, I greatly appreciate it!

J said...

hey CC! Hope that your week has improved. hang in there! Thanks for always keeping up with my writings, I greatly appreciate it!

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