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Thank you for visiting. Content MAY BE TRIGGERING ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED ABUSE, STRUGGLE WITH SELF-INJURY, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION OR AN EATING DISORDER. Contains graphic descriptions of suicidal thoughts, self-injury and emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Do not read further if you are not in a safe place. If you are triggered, please reach out to your support system, a mental health professional or call 911.

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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Again, ED Recovery More Difficult

I apologize to everyone as I haven't had the energy to read and comment on your blogs.  It has been tough for me emotionally.  I know that I've written about this before, so forgive me if I am repeating myself.

This past week, my therapist and I finally figured out what the next step is that I can manage without getting over-whelmed or too anxious.  The whole goal right now is to just try to eat something six times per day.  I didn't realize how difficult that would be when my natural instinct is to not eat at all.  Sometimes, it is a piece of chocolate or a Tablespoon of ice cream or four bites of a salad.  Right now, I am not to focus on eating those foods that I consider good or bad.

We go over the log whenever I want to and not according to any schedule.  So far, it is Monday and Thursday.  It is making me aware of how difficult it is too eat.  It also is making me aware of how little I eat and how this is normal for me.  It is an addiction, but abstinence is not the goal.  My therapist has me comment more than he comments...non-judgemental

I'm getting angry at my self and feel like my body is betraying me because I am now feeling hunger during the day.  I'm really wrestling with this and I have my cellular telephone alarms go off at specific times during the day.  However, I can choose to eat or not...it really is my choice.

The irony of today is that I want to eat something because I can't.  I have to get a fasting blood drawn this morning.

This really sucks...

4 comments:

Wanda's Wings said...

ED really sucks.

Steph said...

I have only just found your blog today. I just wanted to let you know i think you are really brave and i wish you lots and lots of luck in your recovery!
Steph x

Rufty said...

Just a comment to recognise that knowing what you need to do and doing it are two entirely seperate things..and I applaud you for tackling the difference. I know how overwhelming it is and the frustration of trying to cope with the two contrasting mindsets - rational versus irrational. Particularly when irrational is so easy to dress up to look rational! This may seem like a tiny step to some, but even to be open to something (anything) 6 times a day is so much more brave than I think you give yourself credit for. Yeah, so I think you're brave and I hope you continue to stick two fingers up to the ED by battling on. Kudos.
Strength & Courage.

Clueless said...

Wanda, Yes!!!

Steph,

I'm glad that you found my blog. I'll have to come see your's. Thank you for your encouragement.

Rufty,

I'm glad that you came to visit and left a comment. I will have to visit your blog as well. Thank you for your ENCOURAGEMENT. You helped me to look at things differently.

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