PTSD: Trauma Reaction

As a natural part of therapy, we often think and feel that what a therapist is doing is like someone significant in our life or who we want or need them to be.  Well, therapist's are not all good, or all bad, are not our father, not are mother, are not perfect and all giving, are not withholding, etc.  They are human with the same ability to do things like you want them to be and also make mistakes.  All of it is something helpful as it shows us how we think, feel, behave and cope under such circumstances. 

Interesting, I just wrote this in third person.  Hmmm....I think that this is a touch subject for me.  I know that I haven't been writing on personal level in the way that I usually due for the past couple of weeks.  The reason is because my relationship with my therapist and therapy have been quite difficult.

I kept getting stuck and ending up in this loop where therapy was hopeless, I'm never going to get better, I won't meet my goal of going to school...it just is hopeless, so I am going to terminate therapy.  (Note: Borderline Personality thinking...all or nothing; all good or all bad.)

Anyway, during one session that I became stuck as my therapist, in my mind and a little truth, that he was telling me these things.  In frustration, he leaned forward and raised his voice.  This was not helpful to say the least.  I immediately went into protective mode and just shut down.  He later apologized and we talked about it.  I also called and terminated therapy (Again, Borderline Personality behavior).  I was angry and afraid that he was going to do the same thing again which is what my parents did to me.  We also talked about the flashbacks that this triggered.  So, everything was fine since we talked about it and he apologized and we moved on.

Afterward, we kept coming to a place where I would do something or state a generalized feeling.  So, he would ask something like, "do you want to stay there, is it helping?" I would answer, "no."  (Note: I have been coming into session already defensive) He then would try to get me to engage in doing something different like change the way I was sitting or to get me thinking differently.  I would keep saying, "I don't know or what do you mean."

I became really hopeless about therapy and life in general last week. I thought that I was never going to get better because I kept doing the same things.  I couldn't seem to do what my therapist was asking and we both were getting more and more frustrated.  Inevitably, I cancelled my sessions and eventually we spoke on the telephone enough for me to come the next day to figure out what was going on.  He did initiate that I only get this way when I don't feel heard and that maybe what I've been saying is that I really don't know what to do and he wasn't getting it. 

The next day, we talked about the situation including how he kept thinking that I was being "stubborn,"  but he noted that he thought that I actually was in protective mode and couldn't get out of it...that I could not cognate which is what he was trying to get me to do, but I really couldn't do it.  He said that I kept going into this loop of needing to protect myself and things are hopeless and never going to change.  The world was critical and dangerous.  This was true when I was growing up, but not now.  Nonetheless, I automatically go there.  It was my way of rocking and hiding in my closet in a ball when I was growing up.  He says, it is like I go immediately to DEFCON 15.

He told me that this was a trauma reaction and that I couldn't change it, but hopefully I could notice it or the duration would be shorter.  But, basically that I couldn't control going into the trauma reaction.  He indicated that this was what I've been doing since he "got in my face."  He said that that experience was more traumatic than he or I thought.  I guess it wasn't all better after all.

The trauma reaction is that I immediately go into defensive mode and shut down and am NOT able to access my cognition which he kept trying to get me to do.  I hear everything as criticism or an attack.  I feel vulnerable and raw.  I am actually UNABLE to do anything differently until I feel safe enough again. 

He also stated that it was much the same way of when I disassociated when one my last day a coworker worker, came into my office and pushed me up against a wall and then I found myself sitting at my desk writing my documentation.  My reaction was not this severe, but it is the same idea that I couldn't stop what I did in the same way that I can't stop my trauma reaction.

I feel much better that my therapist and I figured out all the ins and outs of what has been going on between the two of us.  However, I am disturbed that I have a trauma reaction that puts me into a place where I do not have control over.  And, that it is so strong. 

My therapist said, "Duh, I finally got what you were communicating!"  By the way, he isn't the perfect parent...he definitely makes mistakes!!!   Shatters my fantasy!! LOL!!

My Eating Disorder Collage

Eating Disorder2 by ClinicallyClueless on Polyvore.com

Eating Disorders: How to Help

Most families and friends are anxious of doing or saying the wrong thing to help someone with an eating disorder.  Some, in an effort, to help reinforce eating disorder thinking and behavior.  Also, there are very specific tips that have helped me with my eating disorder of 25 years.

During the 25 year period, it hasn't been active. But, it is like any addiction, you are always in recovery and the slightest thing can throw you off.  I've had a six year with no symptoms of an eating disorder.  But, the stress of a death in my family threw me into a tailspin and back into therapy.

Eating disorders are an addiction and a mental illness.  It is highly difficult to treat and takes much time with a patient therapist and with yourself.  This really is the case of you are only as sick as are your NON-VEBALIZED secrets.  The following chart is an example of the addiction cycle:

For Friends and Family Members:

• Avoid power struggles over food
• Accept your limitations
• Accept the other person's right to an independent life
• Do not cater to the person's diet, such as, making special food other than what the family eats.
• Allow each household member to make his or her own food choices
• Hold the person responsible for behavior that affects others
• Avoid power struggles (remember it is about control)
• Don't monitor someone else's behavior for them (even if you are invited to)
• Don't try to play therapist
• DO NOT comment about someone's weight and looks
• Obtain professional help, sometimes it requires inpatient or outpatient hospitalization
• Educate yourself about eating disorders
• Be patient.  They will probably reject your help and react with anger and denial.  Having an eating disorder feels painful and shameful.
• Be compassionate.  Eating disorders are complex and are symptoms of much deeper issues.  It is an unheathly way to deal with emotions.
• Talk about other things than their eating disorder.
• Affirm their strengths and other interests that having nothing to do with food or their appearance.
• Express your own needs, without blaming or shaming the person. It is important for them to take their own time. However, if medical intervention is necessary do not wait!!

• Keep calm, focused and respectful during difficult conversations.

•Examine your own attitudes about food, weight, body image and body size. Think about the way you personally are affected by body-image pressures, and share these with the person.

• Think about your own attitudes and prejudices about body image, weight and desire to be thinner.
• Take care of yourself. Take care of your own physical, emotional, social and spritual needs.

If you have an eating disorder you can help yourself:

• Read self-help books.
• Write in a journal or blog.  Try to focus on feelings.  Feeling "fat" is not a feeling. It is a judgement.

• Express yourself in writing, fingerpainting, painting, and other types of art.  Be creative...there is not write and wrong.
• Try to stay in touch with your feeling and thoughts especially if you binge.
• Your eating disorder may be your best friend.  I found/find it very comforting, but I am learning to find other ways, such as, talking with a friend about other things than food or body image, a hug, listen to music, practice mindfulness or meditatation, etc...
• Accept the way you are and start to love yourself and appreciate yourself.  This is quite difficult at first as we are used to being critical and judgemental about ourself.
• Listen to your body...I am I hungry?
• Eat something at normal meal times.
• Don't focus on your weight. Hide or get rid of the scale.
• Don't count calories.
• Don't categorize foods into "good" and "bad."
• Don't try to hide your behavior.  At least, speak with your therapist about your difficulties.  For me, it helps me to keep accountable and more aware of what I am doing.
• Don't tell others that you have eaten when that "really" isn't the case. 
• Purchase clothing that fit you and make you feel good.  Don't focus on the size!!
• Develop a good support system.

There are many excellent resources available by doing a search on the Internet. It would be too long to list in this post.  Remember, take care of yourself...something that I have to remind myself everyday...somedays are better than others...Be kind to yourself because it takes time.

NEDA Week ~ It May Not Be What You Really See

Eating Disorders Awareness Week: Media and Garment Industry influences.

Vanity sizing, also known as size inflation is used to refer to the phenomenon of ready-to-wear clothing of the same nominal size becoming larger over time. It is generally acknowledged that clothing of the same nominal size has become larger over the years.

In 2003, a study that measured over 1,011 pairs of women's pants found that more expensive brands tended to be smaller than cheaper ones of the same nominal size. The increasing dimensions of garments of the same nominal size has caused some designers to introduce size 0, 00, or other subzero sizes. Many commentators have suggested that "vanity sizing," as its name suggests, is designed to satisfy buyers' wishes to appear thin and feel better about themselves.

Model fired for being "too large."

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For another video clip titled, "Size 4 model 'too fat' to work" 

Retouching: Real versus Fake:

Trying to attain the "perfect" body according to the media requires retouching.  No wonder most women want to lose weight...some will DIE to get it.

ED Myths and Infuences

Myths & Realities From Mirror-Mirror:

Only teenage girls suffer from eating disorders. Many eating disorders do begin in the teenage years, but children, men, older women and just about anyone can fall victim to this terrible disorder.

You can never fully recover from an eating disorder. Recovery takes a long time, but with hard work and the proper treatment, you can fully recover from your eating disorder.

Men with eating disorders are always gay. Someone's sexual preference has nothing to do with them developing an eating disorder.

Eating disorders are solely a problem with food. With all eating disorders, weight is the focus of life. By focusing on food, weight and calories, a person is able to block out or numb painful feelings and emotions. Some use food as a way to comfort themselves. Eating disorders are NOT a problem with food. They are in fact only a symptom of underlying problems.

Bulimics always purge by vomiting. Not all bulimics try to rid themselves of the calories they have consumed by vomiting. Purging can take the form of laxatives, diuretics, exercising, or fasting.

You can always tell someone is anorexic by their appearance. Not all anorexics look like the extreme cases shown on talk shows, etc. Some anorexics may be anywhere from 5 to 15 lbs. underweight. They look thin, but they do not have what society considers to be the "anorexic" look. Just because someone does not look emaciated, does not mean they are not anorexic or that their health is not in danger.

Anorexics do not eat candy, chocolate, etc. Many anorexics do avoid such foods, but some do eat them on a regular basis. If an anorexic decides to only allow him/herself 300 calories a day, they may very well choose to eat a chocolate bar, candy, etc.

Anorexics do not binge or purge. Many anorexics will go on occasional binges and purge. Some anorexics can become so fearful of any food or drink that they will purge whatever they put into their system, including water.

You cannot die from bulimia. Bulimics are at a high risk for dying, especially if they are purging, using laxatives and doing excessive exercise. Many bulimics have died from cardiac arrest which is usually caused by low potassium or an electrolyte imbalance. Others have died from a ruptured esophagus.

People with eating disorders do this to hurt their family and friends. People with eating disorders are doing this to themselves. They are usually very upset when they know the people around them are worried or hurt by their eating disorder.

Compulsive eating is not an eating disorder. It is very much an eating disorder and is just as serious as anorexia and bulimia.

Compulsive eaters are just lazy people. Compulsive eating is a way to cope just like anorexia and bulimia are. A person uses food as a way to comfort or numb themselves, block out feelings and emotions, etc. They are not lazy! They are people in emotional pain trying to cope using the only way they know how. Like anorexia and bulimia, they need proper treatment to overcome it. They do not need to be sent to health spas and diet clinics.

People cannot have more than one eating disorder. Many people have more than one eating disorder. It is very common for someone to suffer with more than one eating disorder. That just proves that the eating behaviors are only the symptoms, not the problem.

Some risk factors include:

• Body dissatisfaction
• Dieting
• Low self-esteem
• Perfectionism
• Childhood sexual abuse
• Family history of eating disorders
• Obsssive-compulsive features
• Need for control
• Difficulty expressing emotions
• Media pressure to be thin
• Being female
• Mood disorders
• Overly critical families
• Athletes, actors, television personalities, dancers, models, ballerinas, gymnasts, runners and wrestlers.

NO ONE IS EXEMPT FROM OBTAINING AN EATING DISORDER...NO ONE!!

Famous people who have DIED from Eating Disorders:

Karen Carpenter (musician): Went on a water diet to lose weight and, as she put it, to appear more attractive. Continued to diet even after losing 20 lbs, until her death at the age of 32. She died of cardiac arrest due to anorexia and weighed only 80 lbs.

Ana Carolina Reston: Brazilian model, starved herself to death in 2006.

Theresa Marie "Terri" Schiavo (December 3, 1963 – March 31, 2005): Her physician failed to recognize and diagnose bulimia

Margaux Hemmingway: actress, model, suffered with bulimia

Christy Henrich (gymnast): In 1988, Christy was told by a U.S. judge that she had to lose weight in order to make the Olympic team. She died of multiple organ failure, as a result of anorexia, at the age of 22. She weighed only 60 lbs.

Heidi Guenther (ballet dancer): After being told by a theatre company that at 5'5" in height and 96 lbs in weight she was too chunky, she developed an eating disorder. She collapsed and died at the age of 22 due to complications from her eating disorder.

Leila Pahlavi: The youngest daughter of the late Shah of Iran stole prescriptions from the desk of her doctor in order to feed her fatal addiction to barbiturates, an inquest heard yesterday. Princess Leila Pahlavi, 31, died alone in her suite at a London hotel after taking prescription drugs and cocaine. She was found in bed, her body emaciated by years of anorexia and bulimia.

Anne Sexton: American poet Anne Sexton (1928-1974), who was sexually abused in childhood and committed suicide at the age of 46, suffered from anorexia and depression.

Famous celebrities who have spoken publicly about their suffering with Eating Disorders:

Paula Abdul: Dancer, choreograph and singer battled bulimia and decided to check herself in a clinic, back in 1994. Her negative feelings about her own body image came as early as seven years old when she began dancing, but "it didn't manifest into a full-blown eating disorder until I was in high school." Today Paula Abdul is a spokesperson for the National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA). "It is one of the toughest things to talk about, bar none, and it is one of the hardest disorders to deal with because it's not black or white. Eating disorders really have nothing to do with food, it's about feelings."

Imogen Bailey: She's been called one of Australia's sexiest models, but actress Imogen Bailey recently revealed her battle with anorexia and how she is now healthy.

Maria Conchita Alonso: Beauty pageant winner and actress, the first contemporary international Latina superstar, recently began speaking out about her struggle with bulimia. Struggling with the condition for nearly a decade, resulting in damage to her esophagus and her teeth, she eventually sought help for the self-destructive syndrome.

Christine Alt: Model Christine Alt (Carol Alt's sister) developed an eating disorder under the pressure to slim down from modeling agencies and clients. "I think that half the women in this world who are plus-size would not be if they never went on a diet."

Magali Amadei: Magali Amadei has appeared on the covers of fashion magazines. She's been on TV commercials, billboards and even in movies! With all that success, you'd think that she would have tons of confidence. But for many years, Magali suffered from bulimia.

Fiona Apple: Singer and songwriter Fiona Apple became anorexic after being raped outside of her mother's home at the age of twelve. She says she was not anorexic out of a desire to be thin, but as a reaction to being raped. She also admitted to having self-injurious behaviors in the past.

Imogen Bailey: The English 'Neighbours' soap opera star has revealed that she battled with anorexia when she first started modeling. The 31-year-old actress, who plays Nicola West in the soap said that she began to diet when she started doing bikini photoshoots.

Justine Bateman: Former 'Family Ties' actress Justine Bateman struggled with bulimia. Justine is now an activist for recovery and speaks from time to time at eating disorder support groups about her experiences with an eating disorder.

Victoria Beckham: Victoria Beckham (Posh Spice from the Spice Girls) publicly admitted struggling with an eating disorder in the early days of the Spice Girls, after years "in denial". "I was very obsessed. I mean, I could tell you the fat content and the calorie content in absolutely anything," she told ABC's 20/20 in 2003.

Kate Beckinsale: Actress Kate Beckinsale struggled with an eating disorder during her teen years, before she decided to start acting. She has frankly spoken in interviews about her eating problem. Thanks to the support of her family and therapy Kate was able to recover from anorexia.

Melanie Chisholm: Singer Melanie Chisholm (Melanie C - former Sporty Spice from the Spice Girls) publicly admitted suffering from an eating disorder and depression. Throughout the time she was in the "Spice Girls", Melanie alternated between starving herself and excessive exercise. "My mum assumed my tiny body was a result of being busy with the band and working out regularly."

Kelly Clarkson: The 'American Idol' winner struggled with bulimia for six months until friends discovered her secret and begged her to get help.

Nadia Comaneci: gymnast

Sandra Dee: Model and actress Sandra Dee struggled with an eating disorder and had a drinking problem for decades. "I was anorexic for many, many years -- even before people knew what it was .They didn't even have a name for it back then."

Susan Dey: Actress Susan Dey battled anorexia and bulimia. Susan was so underweight and malnourished she stopped having menstrual periods and her fingers turned orange from eating almost nothing but carrots.

Diana, Princess of Wales: Princess Diana struggled with an eating disorder and also admitted that she used to self-harm herself. The following is an extract of an interview of Princess Diana about her battle with bulimia - "I had bulimia for a number of years. And that's like a secret disease. You inflict it upon yourself because your self-esteem is at a low ebb, and you don't think you're worthy or valuable. You fill your stomach up four or five times a day - some do it more - and it gives you a feeling of comfort. It's like having a pair of arms around you, but it's temporarily, temporary. Then you're disgusted at the bloatedness of your stomach, and then you bring it all up again. And it's a repetitive pattern, which is very destructive to yourself." Diana also admitted in a television interview that she intentionally cut her arms and legs and had thrown herself down a flight of stairs on more than one occasion.

Sally Field: Actress Sally Field struggled with an eating disorder in the past. Sally began her three-year battle with anorexia and bulimia at the age of 20. "Everybody then was Twiggy, except me."

Jane Fonda: Award-winning actress Jane Fonda revealed several years ago that she had been a secret bulimic from age 12, and struggled with anorexia and bulimia for 30 years. Jane became one of the first Hollywood actresses to break the silence and talk openly about eating disorders and campaigned to raise awareness about anorexia and bulimia. In her autobiography "My Life So Far", Jane honestly talks about her 30 year battle with eating disorders.

Tracy Gold: Actress Tracey Gold suffered from an eating disorder and was first diagnosed with anorexia at the age of 12. She went into treatment and recovered after only a couple of months. But at the age of 19, in 1988, she relapsed and fell back into the vicious cycle of anorexia. Tracey eventually recovered and resumed her acting career which was effected negatively by her eating disorder.

Geri Halliwell: Singer Geri Halliwell (former Ginger Spice from the Spice Girls) publicly admitted suffering from bulimia and binge eating for several years. "I realized I couldn't control this monster anymore. I needed to find help." Her piece of advice for those who are struggling - "I can honestly tell you from personal experience, that worrying about an eating disorder really can get you down. There's nothing to be ashamed about. You'll be amazed at the difference it'll make to your whole life if you tell someone you trust. There are lots of people who want to help and you really CAN'T fight this one on your own. It might be a hard decision to make, to tell people and to seek help but, trust me it's nowhere as hard as trying to deal with it on your own." Geri has written a book called "Just For The Record" in which she talks with brutal honesty about her life, including battling and overcoming eating disorders, which she has struggled with since childhood.

Audrey Hepburn: Actress Audrey Hepburn struggled with anorexia and depression - which was unknown to the public during her career. She was known to lose weight under pressure and to be "strange" about food. Rumor has it that current actresses are being "harassed" by the media who points to Audrey as an example of a thin woman without an eating disorder, but that was NOT the case!

Janet Jackson: Singer Janet Jackson has been quoted in the media as having an ongoing battle with an eating disorder.

Elton John: Elton John has gone public about his struggles with bulimia, as well as a less common eating disorder of chewing and spitting.

Maureen McCormick: Actress (The Brady Bunch) struggled with bulimia as an adolescent.

Mary McDonough: Actress (The Waltons) struggled with an eating disorder.

Kellie Martin: Actress Kellie Martin developed anorexia when she was cast in "Life Goes On".

Alanis Morissette: Canadian singer Alanis Morissette has admitted that she has struggled with anorexia and bulimia between the ages of 14 and 18 when she was trying to break into the music business. She wrote the song "Perfect" (from Jagged Little Pill album), inspired by her eating disorder recovery.

Thandie Newton: Actress Thandie Newton says she used to suffer from bulimia and still bears the scars. Newton, who won best supporting actress at last year's BAFTA awards for her role in 'Crash.' Thandie developed the eating disorder at the age of 14 while training at dance school. She told about how she suffered from "horrible bulimia for about a year", saying: "I've still got the scars on my knuckles from where I put my fingers down my throat." The actress said a therapist in L.A. helped her overcome her battle with food, in her mid-twenties.

Syliva Plath: Poet and author Syliva Plath struggled with an eating disorder and depression.

Cathy Rigby (gymnast)

Joan Rivers: Comedian and author Joan Rivers battled bulimia for years.

Ally Sheedy: Actress Ally Sheedy (best known for her role in the 1985 hit "The Breakfast Club") struggled with anorexia and bulimia in the past and at one point also was addicted to pain killer medications.

Richard Simmons: Fitness and diet guru Richard Simmons suffered from an eating disorder in the past.

Courtney Thorne-Smith: Former 'Ally Mc Beal' actress Courtney Thorne-Smith battled an eating disorder. Courtney developed anorexia due to the pressure to be thin. Her slide into anorexia led her to quit the television show 'Ally Mc Beal'.

Meredith Vieira: Former 'The View' co-host Meredith Vieira said that she had an eating disorder and body images issues when she was younger.

Oprah Winfrey: The most influential person on TV, Oprah Winfrey, who was raped at the age of nine by her nineteen year old cousin and repeatedly sexually abused, struggled with disordered eating. Oprah, who said about her weight "It's always a struggle. I've felt safer and more protected when I was heavy. Food has always been comforting."

The above only covers a small portion of more celebrities and famous people.  To find out more and resources, and information regarding eating disorders go to EDRefferral.com.

Again, ED Recovery More Difficult

I apologize to everyone as I haven't had the energy to read and comment on your blogs.  It has been tough for me emotionally.  I know that I've written about this before, so forgive me if I am repeating myself.

This past week, my therapist and I finally figured out what the next step is that I can manage without getting over-whelmed or too anxious.  The whole goal right now is to just try to eat something six times per day.  I didn't realize how difficult that would be when my natural instinct is to not eat at all.  Sometimes, it is a piece of chocolate or a Tablespoon of ice cream or four bites of a salad.  Right now, I am not to focus on eating those foods that I consider good or bad.

We go over the log whenever I want to and not according to any schedule.  So far, it is Monday and Thursday.  It is making me aware of how difficult it is too eat.  It also is making me aware of how little I eat and how this is normal for me.  It is an addiction, but abstinence is not the goal.  My therapist has me comment more than he comments...non-judgemental

I'm getting angry at my self and feel like my body is betraying me because I am now feeling hunger during the day.  I'm really wrestling with this and I have my cellular telephone alarms go off at specific times during the day.  However, I can choose to eat or not...it really is my choice.

The irony of today is that I want to eat something because I can't.  I have to get a fasting blood drawn this morning.

This really sucks...

Somebody Cares

"Welcome To My Life" ~ Simple Plan

Welcome To My Life

Simple Plan

Do you ever feel like breaking down

Do you ever feel out of place

Like somehow you just don’t belong

And no one understands you

Do you ever wanna run away

Do you lock yourself in your room

With the radio on turned up so loud

That no one hears you screaming

No you don’t know what it’s like

When nothing feels all right

You don’t know what it’s like

To be like me

To be hurt

To feel lost

To be left out in the dark

To be kicked

When you’re down

To feel like you’ve been pushed around

To be on the edge of breaking down

And no one’s there to save you

No you don’t know what it’s like

Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else

Are you sick of feeling so left out

Are you desperate to find something more

Before your life is over

Are you stuck inside a world you hate

Are you sick of everyone around

With their big fake smiles and stupid lies

While deep inside you’re bleeding

No you don’t know what it’s like

When nothing feels all right

You don’t know what it like

To be like me

To be hurt

To feel lost

To be left out in the dark

To be kicked

When you’re down

To feel like you’ve been pushed around

To be on the edge of breaking down

And no one’s there to save you

No you don’t know what it’s like

Welcome to my life

No one ever lied straight to your face

And no one ever stabbed you in the back

You might think I’m happy

But I’m not gonna be okay

Everybody always gave you what you wanted

You never had to work it was always there

You don’t know what it’s like

What it’s like

To be hurt

To feel lost

To be left out in the dark

To be kicked

When you’re down

To feel like you’ve been pushed around

To be on the edge of breaking down

And no one’s there to save you

No you don’t know what it’s like

What it’s like

To be hurt

To feel lost

To be left out in the dark

To be kicked

When you’re down

To feel like you’ve been pushed around

To be on the edge of breaking down

And no one’s there to save you

No you don’t know what it’s like

Welcome to my life

Welcome to my life

Welcome to my life

A.I. Run Amok

Yesterday, Mike Golch commented, "...  I worry that computers like this will eventually be corrupted into doing evil."  It made me think about HAL the computer in the 1968 film, 2001: A Space Odyssey.  Where HAL an artifical intelligence computer runs amok. 

Are You a Jeopardy Fan?

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So Who Won and by How Much?

Click here to find out.

One of "those" sessions....

Ever have a session where you feel like everything went wrong and you feel like terminating and that therapy isn't helping because you keep ending up in the same place and doing the same things again?

A Peanuts Valentine's Day!!

Doggie goes, "huh?"

see more dog and puppy pictures

Eating Disorder's Intensity

Last week, I was mostly MIA as I had a very difficult week.  My therapist and I talked about my eating disorder, so I was exhausted and quite preoccupied.  Power struggles and all.

One thing that caught us both off guard is how intense my need to control and rage are.  The session where this came up was quite contentious.  The next day we were able to discuss it.  Dealing with this is needs to go much slower than I want and expected.  I am keeping an eating log.  I'm surprise by how much I eat and how much I don't.  Neither is very good.

Yesterday's session was also quite difficult as he is backing off and only discussing it if I bring it up.  He wants me to take initiative to show him that I really want to get better.  It puts the responsibility on me,  helps to avoid power struggles and if I really want to get better. I have mixed feelings about this.  He also keeps saying that  "people are going to do what they want to do."  So, I will see how much I really want to get better.