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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Reality Invades Denial & Fantasy

Hello Everyone!!

I don't feel like delving into my journal just yet...it is a rather intense entry that will take 3-4 more posts. I'll probably start again next week. I hate it when reality shows up. I'd really rather stay in denial or into my little world of fantasy. But, then I never deal with the real world.

Well, over the past few of weeks, my aunt has been slowing telling me things that she remembered about my childhood. We are only ten years apart. And, my mother was barely 20 years old. This has been quite difficult as it makes it harder to deny how bad things were. Basically, my aunt raised me although she was only a teenager.

When my mother separated from my father before I was four (I'm not sure how old I was). My grandparents decided that for my safety that we should move in with them. Reportedly, she had no sense of responsibility at all or how her choices impacted others. She hated that I looked more like my father.

My aunt says that my mother "would go out ALL the time and Grandma tried repeatedly to tell Susan to be a mother and take care of you. I guess, you can figure out that she didn't listen. She was young, restless and angry." Basically, it was only my aunt and I together almost all of the time.

"You became not only mine to love and take care of...I'm glad I was the...I got to see all the joys of you grow up that your mother missed." She also said that my mother hit me all the time when we lived with them and used to hit me in the mouth. This was in front of everyone. I was twenty-two (?) the last time that she hit me which was when she slugged me in the back.

My mother tends to tell others what to do, but will not listen to anyone else. Observations from spouses is that my mother is out right mean to me at times, now. And, will often ignore me. When I was a infant, I used to cry for my mother, but she ignored me and even if she was in the same room, she would just leave without acknowledging me. She partied all the time leaving me alone with my aunt and grandparents. My aunt was the only one who could calm me down.

I have always thought that my mother didn't want me. My aunt said, "...I can't say that isn't true because I don't know...how she felt...she was yound, rebellious and was, in no way, ready or realling to be a mother. She wanted to be young and free and party. She wasn't responsible...your grandparents just gought with her to try to make her act more mature and responsible and in here actions said, "F you."

My grandmother also reported to my aunt that she saw my step-father sitting on his lap and moving me in sexual ways on him. This was in the open with others home. I told my therapist that I can't image what he did when no one was there. He said, "yes, you do." Sigh.

To say the least it has been a really rough the last few weeks and emotionally I am drained with also having to deal with my health problems...I'm still in wait mode. However, today I have my CT scan, but the don't take my blood until September. I had three doctor appointments last week and that didn't include my five days of therapy. (I had an extra session because of how all this is affecting me. I'm really and angry and sad. The suicidal thoughts and self-harm urges are back...damn it. Happens everytime I try dealing with my anger with my mother. I just hope I can hold it together so as to not need hospitalization which we can't afford.

Hard to deny how bad it really was and makes the other things that I remember hard to deny. (I'm tearful now...)


Anonymous said...

This does sound rough, CC. But what I get from your post is the sense of love that your aunt had for you. How wonderful that even if you didn't have your mother being a mother, someone else was there that cared!

Wishing you well as you process all of this stuff. xx

Laura said...

The information of your childhood must be very difficult to absorb, My heart goes out to you (((CC)))

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