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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Past Journal Entry: 12/30/05 to 1/2/06

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: 12/30/05 to 1/2/06

This begins a series of entries from December 12, 2005 to January 2, 2006. My therapist is away on vacation and I am angry and taking it out on my husband. I am also having difficulty as I am fragmenting. At this point, I have a really difficult time with my therapist being away (borderline fear of abandonment and feeling "bad" about myself.) I still have difficulty, but not as much.

Geoffrey,

I am having a really tough time and I haven't been able to journal. I've either been too tired or I haven't been home. Feels like my emotions are all over the place. Feeling really angry, really hurt, abandoned, confused, bad. I'm wanting to scream and really hurt myself. Feeling like I don't matter...making everyone not exist. (due to anger for feeling abandoned and if no one exist, neither do I...borderline trait.)


Wednesday night, I was able to finally sleep without any nightmares. However, last night, was difficult because I kept having nightmares of getting spanked or slapped of generally just feeling trapped and scared. (My therapist and I had been discussing some of what my mother did, so I was having nightmares and flashbacks.)

I'm glad that you were able to call me back on Tuesday. I don't know what really happened, except I became scared when my husband got frustrated and stressed out with the drive to the mall and I didn't respond to my trying to help him calm down. I became really scared, thought he was angry at me when he slammed to car door saying he was going for a walk. (this was quite uncharacteristic of him) I sat there for awhile, then I walked through the parking lot making cars stop and then through the mall to the other side.

I was really angry and and just sat on a bench with my knees and just rocking. I briefly went to the restroom and warmed up. I knew he was angry because he had left the car for more than one hour and hadn't called me, so I was afraid to call him. He did call, but I wasn't interactive. Eventually, we talked and he said that he was never angry with me. We were able to do some shopping after that.
(During this whole time, I was really fragmenting because I didn't know what to do with my anger which was mainly due to my anger with my therapist being away. I also knew that my husband was angry, but was not admitting it.)

Wednesday morning was really bad. I wanted to go to the bank early, but we both got up late. When I was ready to go, he wasn't. I became angry and left to the bank without him. Felt band and felt even worse that I had forgot to transfer funds two to three weeks ago, so I went into overdraft protection. And, I just became angrier, but was ready to go shopping and run errands as planned. What I told was that I was going to the bank without him.

When I came home and parked the car and left saying, he was going to the post office, so I figured he was angry with me as he was going in the same direction that we had planned to go and that I had already parked the car. I went into the house and got things together and into warmer clothing as it was slightly raining. When he came home, we argued and I left without him...I scared myself as I was driving too fast especially on turns as I slid. I went to the Hallmark store and he called apologizing and admitted that he was angry with me. I came home and we ran errand and had a good time shopping. I still was feeling bad and really wanting to cut. I felt bad because he didn't want to be with me.

(Besides the anger, I was feeling bad, so I set things up to make me feel worse...borderline trait again.)

REMEMBER
THIS IS A PASTJOURNAL ENTRY.

To be continued.....

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