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Thank you for visiting. Content MAY BE TRIGGERING ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED ABUSE, STRUGGLE WITH SELF-INJURY, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION OR AN EATING DISORDER. Contains graphic descriptions of suicidal thoughts, self-injury and emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Do not read further if you are not in a safe place. If you are triggered, please reach out to your support system, a mental health professional or call 911.

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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Past Journal Entry ~ December 23, 2005 ~ Part II

Possibly Triggering ~ violent content

Past Journal Entry ~ December 23, 2005 ~ Part II

Part of the purpose of this blog was to share past entries from my journal and add my current perspective. Well, between my health problems, my dealing with mental illness and three hospitalizations, I was side tracked. Today, I thought that I would go back to sharing my journal entries. The last one I wrote was in January and the journal entry was for December 22, 2005. I was having difficulty with flashbacks and thoughts of suicide, self-injury and violent fantasies. Remember that my journal entries are addressed to my therapist, Geoffrey. Today is a continuation of December 23, 2005...


Geoffrey,

...And, yes, a way to disconnect from the reality of the situation. I think that is why this week has been so difficult with being present with you...I always try to disconnect with you before you go on vacation, the holidays and stressful as is wanting to catch up on work...and just trying to work..and just trying to grasp the reality of what it was like growing up is so intense...the rage, terror and pain.

I keep wanting and making it different, but I know that it wasn't. It is really tough and I feel like my emotions start going all over the place and I don't have control. And the wanting to die, take the pills, cut, burn, stabbing myself and/or burn gets so loud...it was really bad all the time...and angry, terrified and hurt.

Sometimes, it just feels like I'm reliving it all over again only this time it is repetitive and isn't really happening, but the feelings, images, and sensations are quite real...sometimes, it is hard to pull out of it; therefore, that I'm safe and nothing is going to harm me and no one is going to be angry or hit me. Sometimes, I feel so threatened and terrified of everything.

Although this was written almost four years ago, I still struggle with these issues. The suicidal thought and self-injury urges are is why I went into the hospital. I became "loud" and I knew that I was headed into dangerous territory. The focus on my therapy now is accepting how bad it really was growing up. My aunt recently verified some of what I didn't want to know which just makes it harder to deny...but I try. This is a long and painful process. However, I see improvement when I stick to pushing through this...it is worth it.

Remember that this is a Past Journal Entry from 2005.

1 comments:

John Folk-Williams said...

Hi, CC -

I can only imagine how hard it is to be living with all this, but I'm so glad you're getting somewhere by looking right at it. I used to get into such a rut of going over and over the same things but not finding any new light. You have incredible courage and resilience in coming back from those dangerous places and working hard to get on top of it.

All my best to you!

John

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