Past Journal Entry ~ December 22, 2005 ~ Feeling "Bad"

I was debating whether or not to share this entry, but reading it I realized that this is a good example of what fragmenting is. And, it also seems like many people feel like this in therapy, but are afraid or ashamed to talk about it. All of the journal entries that I copy onto this blog were read to Geoffrey which helped me to focus and moved therapy along. The best part is that when I write I don't censor, as much.

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ December 22, 2005

Geoffrey,

Yesterday after session, I had a hard time being present and feeling "bad." The suicidal thoughts, flashbacks, violent images and wanting to bruise and cut were really strong.

I was feeling bad when the session began and really scared. I took everything you said and made me bad which just cause me to withdraw more. (fragmenting) It began when you were describing how I get others to empathize with me. I always feel bad because I think it is wrong and I can't seem to stop it. Yesterday, it really got to me. Everything you said from that point really went downhill.

(Okay, I am fragmenting because all I am focused on is that one aspect of being bad, so everything is going through that filter. I'm not taking into account reality or other indicators that show me otherwise. In addition, people with borderline personality disorders do not communicate directly. In order to express how they are feeling, they "get" the other person to feel the same way which is sometimes means getting my therapist to feel as bad or angry as I feel.)

I felt really disconnected from you and me and everyone else. And I kept thinking that you were angry with me and I really wanted to injure myself. (projection) I just felt really bad and that nothing mattered anymore and I made you not exist despite the things you wrote and the audio tape.

I bruised, but instead of feeling relief I felt worse and much more anxious and wanting to harm myself. Along with feeling even more "bad," I wanted to just curl up and die. (Self-injury is an addiction, but I didn't get the relief that I wanted which means that I had to make self-injury more severe like an addict who reaches a tolerance level. But, there is also another dynamic that is happening where I fulfill my view that I am "bad." There is a trigger, then I feel intensely and bad, to relieve the feelings I injure which proves that I am "bad." Same with an addiction cycle.)

I have all my medications as I haven't give them back to my husband. The ones I got from you and the refills I got Tuesday. I was also really wanting to purchase some razors and bruise because bruising myself the first time didn't have the same desired effect.

Feels like nothing matters and I just want to disappear. I cried a little after I bruised...don't really know why. But, now I'm afraid of your reaction and that I'm going to end up feeling worse which is one of the reasons I didn't ask you to call me. (projection)

I want to go away and die. I want to cancel today because I'm so anxious and afraid I'm going to feel worse at the end. (Fragmenting: I can't access and incorporate all the "good" sessions and interactions with Geoffrey)

I'm really wanting to purchase things to cut, bruise, burn and take the pills. I feel so bad, angry, scared, hurt and I just really want to numb out. I really want to injure myself. Seems like drawing blood would help relieve the tension. (By the way, feeling "bad," is not a feeling, it is a judgement against myself. I also am indirectly expressing a great deal of self-hatred.)

Some of that was going through my head yesterday. As well as, you hate me, think that I am a horrible person for the violent thoughts. I know their my projections, but yesterday in session they seemed so real and I just want to go away. Really want to go away today. I want to die. Just feels like nothing matters.

Observations: I pretty much wrote them as I went along. Please, remember that this is how I was feeling three years ago and not now!