New Drug for Perkyness

FDA Approves Depressant Drug For The Annoyingly Cheerful

Fun Stuff About Me...

I wanted this week to be a little less intense than than last week, but I will start up my journal next week. I found this fun exercise from my friend Svasti who found it from someone else and so on...If you want you can continue it.  This is not a MEME!!!  Let me know if you complete this on your blog...I'm nosey!! My life sounds boring next to Svasti's, but here are my answers: 

1. The most adventurous thing I’ve ever done is… Drive the Road to Hana in Hawaii. It is a beautiful drive, but quite an adventure as it is a narrow highway on a steep mountain. I was so car sick that I really didn't get to enjoy much...and that was with me driving!!!  There are one lane bridges which are quite scary.  It is one of the most winding road to drive.  I didn't purchase a t-shirt saying, "I survived the Road to Hana," with cats looking very sick. :-)
2. If I were a pair of shoes I would be… Sandals.  I love sandals with no strap in the back.  I wear them year round.  I just happen to live in Southern California, so I can do that.  They are fun and practical and for styles anything goes!!
3. My preferred mode of digital communication is… my cellular telephone because I can take it anywhere...or is it the Internet and email?
4. I feel happiest when… When I am worshipping God or with my husband.
5. A little dream I have for my life is to… EARN MY DOCTORATE IN CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGY AT FULLER THEOLOGICAL SEMINARY!!! It is a dream that I have had for more than twenty years and I will do it once I am able to emotionally.
6. The one modern convenience I could NOT do without is… I'm not going to consider household conveniences such as dryer, washer, stove, microwave, etc.  Oh, this is tough, but I have to say the Internet followed closely by my CDs and CD player.
7. Music, movies, TV or books: if I could only choose one to enjoy I would pick… aaaaaaaaaaaaah....what a tough question.  It is between music and books.  I have to pick both otherwise, I think I'm going to have a panic attack. I don't think I could live without music or my Bible!!!

So now you know a little bit more about me.  Now, it is your turn. If you don't want to do this just have fun.

Hidden Pieces ~ Sexual Harrasment ~ Work

***TRIGGER WARNING*** ***TRIGGER WARNING*** (Graphic Description of Sexual Abuse)

I decided to begin retelling what I wrote to my therapist and I in the Winter/Spring of 2007 after four years of intense flashbacks and repressed memories emerging. [Current commentary is in brackets.] I wrote my seventy page "biography" because I needed to write out what I remembered and what I experienced to make it more "real" rather than a "story." I am ready to take the next step and putting more of it in my blog. This was the original reason for starting my blog and using my journal as a starting point. I am still struggling with believing that the following is the truth of my life:

[During my process of remembering, I began to have flashbacks about different work situations which I write about below.  Remember these occurances were from 1989 to 2000, but I am only making connections or remembering in 2007ish] 

I really feel like I caused the stuff with Frank [a coworker] because I may have been too friendly or dressed improperly. He was married, had two girls, and was an alcoholic an had a history of psychiatric hospitalizations. I didn’t say anything, push him away, or make any sound…I was actually afraid that we would be “caught” and I would get into trouble. I did make some comment to our HR person, but she just said that is how Frank has always been and that the owners have had complaints, but they will never fire him. They just send him on paid leave.

At the beginning, my desk was where my back was in front of the main hallway, so everyone past me with my back to them. Frank came in early and often times; I would be there early, as I had to make up the extra time that it took for me to see you [my therapist]. I am having a difficult time staying present as I write this as I am extremely embarrassed and feel humiliated, angry and scared, but didn’t at the time. I basically just shut down and ignored it.

Frank would come by and rub my back, neck or shoulders, make kissing sounds or if I was looking make kisses at me or stick his tongue out and wiggle it. He would kiss or lick my neck or behind my ear and whisper something lewd in my ear even if I was on the telephone. He was always making suggestive comments and faces at me. If I had to use the ladder to get into the files where he was often working due to his job, he would do the same. He always managed to be lower than me and would look up my skirt. He would put his hand up my skirt and some times feel my rear or my inner thigh and occasionally, would go a little higher and try to tickle my crotch. The whole time he would be making lewd sounds and suggestive comments. Sometimes, he would lick my leg, feet or toes.

As I write this, I keep going away and feeling something very intensely, but not sure what it is. If I was wearing pants, he would touch my rear, try to put his hands up my pant leg to feel or just play with my feet and toes. Same comments and sounds as always. This occurred at least three to five days and several times during the day if we were both at work. I can’t believe I never told anyone…I feel really sick right now and buzzy.

I was really disgusted by him and wanted him to stop, but couldn’t bring myself to say anything or do anything more…I just let it happen…I was old enough to be able to stop it and should have. I did not enjoy it. Why didn’t I stop it or tell anyone else or tell the extent?

Maybe with Richard  [A previous co-worker/supervisor] I was too friendly and dressed improperly too? Did I lead him on? Maybe, that’s why he did what he did. It really still scares me that I completely went away and didn’t remember what occurred until this go around. [Second go around in therapy was the part after a five year break.] (Given what I now know about my past, the PTSD and dissociation reaction to Richard makes sense even though I did not have a memory of any of trauma or sexual abuse.)

Richard's  just closing and locking my office door reminded me of my step-father and his father and the garage. This is probably why I went completely away at that time. Now that I remember what happened, being pinned up against the wall probably terrified me as my step-father used to do this to both my mother and I. So when, Richard began kissing me and putting his tongue in my mouth, I was really scared and was immobilized especially when he untucked my blouse and started feeling my chest and stomach.

I think that I am still somewhat angry that you [my therapist] didn’t take me seriously and felt that I was being attention-seeking, manipulative, so we didn’t talk about it when it happened. And, I know most of my anger is really toward my mother for not taking me seriously or letting me talk. I think that added some to my repressing the memory for so long. I’m not blaming you…just still a little angry…and sad that I was misunderstood…so many people misunderstood me and still do. Not that I expect everyone to understand me, but it has taken so long…I am tearing up again…feels like I just need a good cry…it is stuck in my eyes as they are just watery and in my throat and chest…both really hurt. Unfortunately, it is a very familiar feeling. Feeling very bad and confused.
[My therapist at the time was quite new at the time and the only thing that he had to go by was that he knew that I was borderline and that Richard kissed me]

Even with just dating, I had a difficult time and seemed to be attracted to and attract men who went too fast or had an aggressive manner about them…not that I had many dates. Usually, by the 2nd or 3rd date, I would end up being pinned on the couch or put into a position that trapped me into one spot and they would start deep kissing or putting their tongue in my ear or on my neck. (Even though, I didn’t feel it at the time I must have had some flashback at least neurologically.) After each date, I showered, bruised and sometimes cut. One of my dates pinned me to the couch and started kissing and stuff, then, he started to rub against me…I remember feeling panicked and somehow got the date to end. After he left, I immediately showered, bruised and cut. Then, I sat in my closet rocking and silently crying…I guess, that really isn’t crying, but what I would do instead of crying.

[I had never remembered or shared any of this in detail until this point in therapy.  The scariest thing for me was when I totally lost time with Richard.  I disocciated when he locked the door and the next think I knew was that I was sitting at my desk writing reports.  Although at the time, I didn't have have any conscious memory of it, obviously my reaction indicated otherwise.  It was also what led to my being on medications again and a hospitalization.

My therapist said that what I said above validates my abuse even more as most victims of childhood sexual abuse mention repeated similar situations.  Although I know that I was not at fault it bothers me that I could have spoken out as I was an adult. My therapist said that I had to remember in order to speak out...duh!!]

Hidden Pieces ~ Sexual Abuse ~ Video

***TRIGGER WARNING*** ***TRIGGER WARNING*** (Graphic Sexual Abuse Content)

This is a summary of my sexual abuse that I've written about so far in the form of a video.  The music is by Plumb entitled, "Damaged."  (There is no intention of violating copyright laws)

Validation ~ Make A Difference in Someone's Day!!

Validation ~ "In psychology and human communication, validation is the reciprocated communication of respect which communicates that the other's opinions are acknowledged, respected, heard, and (regardless whether or not the listener actually agrees with the content), they are being treated with genuine respect as a legitimate expression of their feelings, rather than marginalized or dismissed."

We all need to receive and expresss validation and affirmations. It does help everyone to feel good and SMILE!!! :D

Please take the time to watch this video that was brought to my attention by John of Storied Mind. Go take a look about his poignant, thought provoking, and from the heart blog about depression. Please watch the whole video even though the beginning is a bit long...the ending is worth the wait.

"Validation" is a fable about the magic of free parking. Starring TJ Thyne & Vicki Davis. Writer/Director/Composer - Kurt Kuenne

What do you do to make strangers feel validated?
Describe a time that you felt validated by a stranger.

It Sucks To Be Borderline!!

Did you know that your therapist is human? Humans make mistakes.  Humans can hurt your feelings. Humans can totally miss what you are saying. Humans also can think about what isn't working and look at themselves.  They can also apologize and take responsibility for their part of the interaction...Thank God!!  My therapist is human!!!

Since my birthday, I was becoming increasingly depressed and hopeless about therapy.  Part of it was that there were many abandonment issues surrounding my aunt not acknowledging my birthday at all.  As expected, my suicidal thoughts and self-injury urges became stronger due to what I was working through in therapy.  I was also becoming more fragmented and hopeless about continuing therapy.

I did not realize it while it was happening because most of it was subtle, but my therapist was cutting me off, invalidating or not validating my feelings and also expecting me to be able to provide myself with validation and comfort which at this point I am unable to do.  These were also extremely subtle and neither of us were aware what was happening, but I was really depress and hopeless.  I won't go into detail of what he said or did that was not helpful or hurtful.

Last week was the worst of all of it as it really kicked up my abandonment issues which my therapist pointed out.  ***Warning Borderline Behavior*** On Wednesday, I was so angry and hopeless after session that I left a nasty message stating that "my suicidal thoughts and self injury urges are way up and I'm angry, thinking that I'm bad and hopeless. Therapy is not working, so I'm terminating. I keep ending up in the same place and like you said I won't meet my life's goals if I continue what I am doing. So, you agree with my friend about my friend just saying get over it was not realistic because today it seemed like that was what you were telling me to do. I'm never going to be able to go back to school.  Yes, I know that I'm fragmenting, but I'm still not coming back. I don't care anymore, don't care, don't care."

The next day, I left another message that saying that I was sorry for the message that I left.  I know that I am making myself miserable and probably taking my anger out on you instead of my aunt and trying to get you to call me.  I'd like to see you this evening if you have time.

Later, I left another message saying that I was terminating and don't bother to call. [I also was aware that he had a class all day from 8 am to 3 pm.]  When he called me back and asked if I wanted to see him, I said, "no."  He said okay, but if you change your mind call me. Then, I asked if we could have a telephone session which we scheduled for that evening.

Then, I left a message cancelling the appointment saying that it was hopeless anyway and that I was going to feel worse afterward, so it was a waste of time and that I was terminating therapy.  Then, I asked if I could see him instead of a telephone session.  He called back and said that we could have a face to face session.

[I was one borderline out of control, being manipulative, ambivalent, pushing away and trying to draw close, etc... It wasn't pretty.  I was a mess.]

Once there, I didn't feel so angry.  He had me say what I wanted to and then gave me an explanation of what he thought was going on.  He validated my feelings and listed several things that he said or did that led me to be more depressed, hopeless, abandoned, angry and hurt.  He took responsibility for it and apologized.  He indicated that if he could he would take it back.

However, when these things happen once I'm thinking, I am always able to see how those types of "therapeutic misses" tell something or are helpful, no matter how painful.  I thought about how during such a short period that not having validation and feeling abandoned by him cause me to feel more depressed and hopeless.  I realized that this is how I lived my life, so no wonder I have issues with validation and abandonment and have been depressed all of my life.  I also realized that my feelings developed because I didn't get what I needed.  I felt sad about it.

One other lesson or aha moment was when I realized that although I was angry when each "incident" happened that I couldn't have said anything because it seemed I went from hearing what was said directly to shutting down.  There was no cognitive or emotional awareness of feeling angry.  It is like that mechanism is missing from me when it comes to anger.  Need to work on this.  I can advocate and become angry when it has to do with someone else especially when working, but when it comes to me I'm lost. 

I felt so good and relieved that I saw my therapist in person and that he was able to explain what he thought happened.  But, it also sucks to be borderline!!!

If Corporations Owned Churches...have a sense of humor!!!

A Night Out To The Walt Disney Concert Hall!!!

A week ago Saturday, I went to the Walt Disney Concert Hall for the first time.  The sound is absolutely amazing...best that I've ever heard.  I finally saw the Gay Men's Chorus of Los Angeles live.  It was more traditional choral music, which is the last video, and actually them singing.

However, there we two songs that really brought me to tear up because I really heard the lyrics.  Both have to do with being authentic with yourself.  Obviously, the videos below are from other artists.  The two songs are "I Am What I Am," and "True Colors."  I hope that you enjoy the songs and listen to the words which are posted below the video.

You with the sad eyes

don't be discouraged

oh I realize

it's hard to take courage

in a world full of people

you can lose sight of it all

and the darkness inside you

can make you fell so small

But I see your true colors

shining through

I see your true colors

and that's why I love you

so don't be afraid to let them show

your true colors

true colors are beautiful

like a rainbow

Show me a smile then

don't be unhappy, can't remember

when I last saw you laughing

if this world makes you crazy

and you've taken all you can bear

you call me up

because you know I'll be there

And I'll see your true colors

shining through

I see your true colors

and that's why I love you

so don't be afraid to let them show

your true colors

true colors are beautiful

like a rainbow

I am what I am

I am my own special creation.

So come take a look,

Give me the hook or the ovation.

It's my world that I want to take a little pride in,

My world, and it's not a place I have to hide in.

Life's not worth a damn,

'Til you can say, "Hey world, I am what I am."

I am what I am,

I don't want praise, I don't want pity.

I bang my own drum,

Some think it's noise, I think it's pretty.

And so what, if I love each feather and each spangle,

Why not try to see things from a diff'rent angle?

Your life is a sham 'til you can shout out loud

I am what I am!

I am what I am

And what I am needs no excuses.

I deal my own deck

Sometimes the ace, sometimes the deuces.

There's one life, and there's no return and no deposit;

One life, so it's time to open up your closet.

Life's not worth a damn 'til you can say,

"Hey world, I am what I am!"

Hidden Pieces ~ Sexual Abuse ~ Subtleties

***TRIGGER WARNING*** ***TRIGGER WARNING*** (Sexual Abuse)

I decided to begin retelling what I wrote to my therapist and I in the Winter/Spring of 2007 after four years of intense flashbacks and repressed memories emerging. [Current commentary is in brackets.] I wrote my seventy page "biography" because I needed to write out what I remembered and what I experienced to make it more "real" rather than a "story." I am ready to take the next step and putting more of it in my blog. This was the original reason for starting my blog and using my journal as a starting point. I am still struggling with believing that the following is the truth of my life:

When I was a preteen and teenager, my step-father stopped raping me, but looking back there were more subtle things and in light of what I now know occurred it makes sense why I was so bothered by some of them. He was at least extremely inappropriate. He began to tickle me to the point where I would urinate on myself which was humiliating and I know it continued well into after I started my period as I remember being afraid that my pad was going to move or that I would “leak.”

One of the few times I had a friend over, she told me that his tickling me made her uncomfortable. He also teased me about my body including the size of my breasts and my pimples. I remember gaining weight the last two years in high school which was the highest my weight [except for now] has ever been and I didn’t care much how I dressed, jeans and a knock off polo shirt untucked which I owned in every color of the world. That is what I wore everyday, in contrast, my first two years and in junior high school I cared very much about what I wore and how my hair was styled. I wore dresses and skirts and went to every single dance in junior high school and none in high school. Maybe, partly a symptom of a major depressive episode?

Also, I never thought this was important, but when I was 18 and in college, I went for a job interview. By this time my-step father and I were barely talking at all. But, I was wearing a dress and heels. He stopped and seemingly checked me out, look at me up and down, and said that I “looked really good.” I don’t know if at this point I was just paranoid, but I remember feeling uncomfortable about it…still do. These things have always bothered me, but I thought I was making a big deal out of minor comments and incidents.

I remember, for some reason, I had to shower in my step-father's and my mother’s shower and came into the dressing room where they could see me because they were in bed. He began to tease me about my weight and about my breasts being two different sizes. My mother also began to tease. I felt so humiliated and realized that maybe it wasn’t appropriate for me to be seen naked by them. Even while I write this, I am extremely embarrassed and feel like I should have known better because I was older.

Also, my step-father used to change down stairs in the laundry room that was directly adjacent to the television. He would then run from the television upstairs naked. Sometimes, my mother would pull his pants and underwear down in front of me and tell me to “look at the naked buns” or some other euphemism. I was so embarrassed and they seemed to have fun with it. In writing this, I’m realizing that they were sadistic in these events as well.

He also insisted on using my restroom unlocked even though it was mine and there were two other’s in the house. I wouldn’t know he was in there and would often walk in on him, which was quite embarrassing, and made me angry…never realized that it made me angry. Maybe, because he was intentionally exposing himself to me…again…which is how it started when I was younger. I also remember him watching the adult movies late at night and sometimes into morning…I could hear the movie and hear him making noises…I’m pretty sure he was masturbating.

[The day following the session where I read the above.] This morning I woke up tearing up and almost crying. My feelings were hurt yesterday in session. I felt misunderstood, cut off and like I did not get a chance to explain myself because you started talking. I felt a little something in the session, but just ignored it and it went away until this morning. They weren’t such a big things. And, I know I’m being ultra sensitive and fragmenting. But, when I was talking about my mother and my step-father teasing me in more sexual ways and feeling that it was somewhat “sadistic,” I felt like you immediately cut me off and told me that was too strong of a word. You actually cut me off in middle of my sentence. But, to me, I thought about it for a long time as to whether to use that word or not and was proud of myself that I actually used such a harsh word.

It seemed to fit because the type of teasing about Gene’s behind and my body, I felt the same type of humiliation and shame that I did with the other teasing and I felt that they were teasing me just for their enjoyment and to hurt and humiliate me, which is why you stated that their teasing and taunting was sadistic. To me the feelings and reasons for doing it were the same. Sometimes, I even asked my mother to stop, but she kept teasing along with my step-father stating, “I was being too sensitive and couldn’t take a joke.” If I said anything, they continued to tease me more about my body and other things that they taunted me about before, so I stopped saying anything. The teasing about my body and/or exposing his rear to me happened at least two to three times per week and possibly several times in one day. I guess, to me if you called the other teasing and taunting sadistic, this word would also seem to fit unless I misunderstand the meaning of the word or what you mean. I’m feeling really confused and hurt and feel bad and wish I would not have said anything…like I made too big a deal out of it. Along with all of that the flashbacks with Frank and Richard [I write about this later] are really disturbing to me. I’m feeling really bad and the suicidal thoughts are increasing and I’m really wanting to cut or bruise. I just want to die right now. (What you actually stated was not what I remembered…you said that you were not sure…flooded with too much…fragmenting…defensives way up…normal…extra session tomorrow.)

I now realize that I was directing my anger toward my therapist and not clearly seeing or hearing things as I was fragmenting.  Welcome to Borderlineville.