Therapy: At times, clinically I was aware of the process, but applying it to myself, I could be clueless. My journey leads to this anonymous place where I can tell of my life of abuse and trauma primarily through my past journals, current commentary, some current journaling and posts on specific issues I face. I hope to increase awareness & compassion for those of us with mental illness.
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Welcome!!! Please, if you are new here, READ THIS FIRST!!! Thank You!!!
Thank you for visiting. Content MAY BE TRIGGERING ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED ABUSE, STRUGGLE WITH SELF-INJURY, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION OR AN EATING DISORDER. Contains graphic descriptions of suicidal thoughts, self-injury and emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Do not read further if you are not in a safe place. If you are triggered, please reach out to your support system, a mental health professional or call 911.
Disclaimer: Although I have worked with persons with mental illness for twenty years, I do not have a Master's Degree or a license. This is not meant to be a substitute for mental health care or treatment. Please obtain professional assistance from the resources listed on the right of the page, if needed. And call 911 if you or someone is in immediate danger.
A key word that you will see:
Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.
Of course, my favorite Christmas show is left for today. Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts, being a Christian he fought to keep this part of the script on air. Obviously, the network was concerned. However, they did not need to be and there is a clause in the contract that it can never be edited out.
Luke 2:9-14 (New American Standard Bible)
And an angel of the Lord suddenly stood before them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them; and they were terribly frightened. But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid; for behold, I bring you good news of great joy which will be for all the people; for today in the city of David there has been born for you a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. "This will be a sign for you: you will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger." And suddenly there appeared with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying, "Glory to God in the highest, And on earth peace among men with whom He is pleased."
Most often, we hear only an abbreviated version of "Joy to the World." I always want to sing the other verses because they speak to my spirit. The following are the original lyrics for "Joy to The World."
Joy To The World
Isaac Watts(1674-1748)
Joy to the world! The Lord is come. Let earth receive her King Let every heart Prepare Him room And Saints and angels sing And Saints and angels sing And Saints and Saints and angels sing
Joy to the world, the Saviour reigns Let Saints their songs employ While fields and floods rocks, hills and plains Repeat the sounding joy Repeat the sounding joy Repeat, Repeat, the sounding joy
Joy to the world with truth and grace And makes the nations prove The glories of His righteousness And wonders of His love And wonders of His love And wonders and wonders of His love
No more will sin and sorrow grow, Nor thorns infest the ground; He'll come and make the blessings flow Far as the curse was found, Far as the curse was found, Far as, far as the curse was found.
He rules the world with truth and grace, And gives to nations proof The glories of His righteousness, And wonders of His love; And wonders of His love; And wonders, wonders of His love.
Rejoice! Rejoice in the Most High, While Israel spreads abroad Like stars that glitter in the sky, And ever worship God, And ever worship God, And ever, and ever worship God.
According to www.carols.org, The words and lyrics of the old Christmas carol 'Joy to the World' were written in 1719 by Isaac Watts (1674-1748). The father of John Watts was a Non-conformist and so extreme were his views that he was imprisoned twice. His father's influence over Isaac was demonstrated when he choose to attend Nonconformist Academy at Stoke Newington in preference to a University. Watts was ordained as a Pastor of an Independent congregation. He wrote many hymns and Carols and was awarded a Doctor of Divinity degree by the the University of Edinburgh in 1728. The music to the carol is by George Frederick Handel (1685-1759).
It isn't Christmas time if I don't hear Kenny Rogers singing this song. I hope you enjoy it too.
Mary,Did You Know?
Mary, did you know that your baby boy will one day walk on water?
Mary, did you know that your baby boy will save our sons and daughters?
Did you know, that your baby boy has come to make you new? This child that you've delivered, will soon deliver you.
Mary, did you know that your baby boy will give sight to a blind man?
Mary, did you know your baby boy will calm a storm with his hand? Did you know, that your baby boy has walked where angels trod? When you kiss your little baby, you've kissed the face of God.
The blind will see The deaf will hear The dead will live again. The lame will leap The dumb will speak The praises of The Lamb.
Mary, did you know that your baby boy is Lord of all creation?
Mary, did you know that your baby boy will one day rule the nations?
Did you know, that your baby boy is heaven's perfect lamb? This sleeping child you're holding, is the great I AM.
Merry Christmas!!! Now, I kwno that wasn't politically correct and I hope I didn't offend anyone. But, sometimes especially during Christmas I feel that I need to hide that I am a Christian. For me, Merry Christmas is the proper greeting. It isn't that I don't respect or want to hear about other religions, but this is one of the two most important days of the year for a Christian. The second being Easter.
Although the video speaks to my heart as a Christian, most of it can fit all beliefs as it has the words, "plant seeds of love...lend a helping hand...keep an eye out for even the smallest chance to help someone..." That is the challenge to have this type of spirit year round or even during the holiday when we are all soooo busy. The background song is "My Desire" by Jeremy Camp.
My Desire ~ Jeremy Camp
You want to be real, you want to be empty inside You want to be someone laying down your pride You want to be someone someday Then lay it all down before the king
You want to be whole, you want to have purpose inside You want to have virtue and purify your mind
You want to be set free today Then lay it all down before the king
This is my desire, this is my return This is my desire to be used by you
You want to be real,you want to be empty inside And I know my heart is to feel you near And I know my life It's to do your will It's to do your will
All my life I have seen Where you've take me Beyond all I have hoped And there's more left unseen
There's not much I can do to repay all you've done So I give my hands to use
With my being a Christian, some may wonder why I have a gay men's chorus on my blog singing a Christamas song. Although I haven't quite settled things in my mind about homosexuality, I do know that I want to raise awareness that people who are homosexual are people who experience a lot of prejudice. But, they are in all parts of society even Christian churchs and maybe the most active members. They should be accepted, loved and understood instead of being attacked or ostracized.
(I realize that not all of the chorus are Christians, but many probably are.) Enjoy, the beauty of their voices and the song.
According to http://www.carols.org/, The origin of the Christmas carol we know as Silent Night was a poem that was written in 1816 by an Austrian priest called Joseph Mohr. On Christmas Eve in 1818 in the small alpine village called Oberndorf it is reputed that the organ at St. Nicholas Church had broken. Joseph Mohr gave the poem of Silent Night (Stille Nacht) to his friend Franz Xavier Gruber and the melody for Silent Night was composed with this in mind. The music to Silent Night was therefore intended for a guitar and the simple score was finished in time for Midnight Mass. Silent Night is the most famous Christmas carol of all time!
Silent Night
Silent night, holy night All is calm, all is bright Round yon Virgin Mother and Child Holy Infant so tender and mild Sleep in heavenly peace Sleep in heavenly peace
Silent night, holy night! Shepherds quake at the sight Glories stream from heaven afar Heavenly hosts sing Alleluia! Christ, the Saviour is born Christ, the Saviour is born
Silent night, holy night Son of God, love's pure light Radiant beams from Thy holy face With the dawn of redeeming grace Jesus, Lord, at Thy birth Jesus, Lord, at Thy birth
Steven Curtis Chapman, successful Contemporary Christian artist, supports adoption, so much that he adopted three children. Please keep him and his family in prayer this season as this year his eldest son accidently backed the family van into their adopted daughter and she passed away. I imagine that this would be a very difficult season for the whole family.
All I really Want for Christmas ~ Steven Curtis Chapman (2005 Sparrow Records, EMI CMG)
Well, I don't know if you remember me or not I'm one of the kids they brought in from the home I was the red-haired boy in an old, green flannel shirt You may not have seen me, I was standing off alone
I didn't come and talk to you 'cause that's never worked before And you'll probably never see this letter, anyway But just in case there's something you can do to help me out I'll ask you one more time
All I really want for Christmas is someone to tuck me in A shoulder to cry on if I lose, shoulders to ride on if I win There's so much I could ask for, but there's just one thing I need All I really want for Christmas is a family
Well, I guess I should go ahead and tell you now If it's really true about that list you have Somehow I always seem to end up in a fight But I'm really trying hard not to be bad
But maybe if I had a brother or a dad to wrestle with Maybe they could teach me how to get along And from everything I've heard, it sounds like the greatest gift on earth Would be a mom
All I want for Christmas is someone who'll be here To sing me happy birthday for the next 100 years And It's okay if they're not perfect or even if they're a little broken That's alright, 'Cause so am I
Well, I guess I should go, it's almost time for bed Maybe next time I write you I'll be at home
`Cause all I really want for Christmas is someone to tuck me in Tell me I'll never be alone, someone whose love will never end Of all that I could ask for, well, there's just one thing I need All I really want for Christmas is a family
When I didn't stay overnight at my Grandparents on Christmas Eve and when I got older, I'd receive a morning call on Christmas Day from my Grandpa that would go something similar to this:
Ring, Ring
CC: Hello?
G: Ho, Ho, Ho!!! Merry Christmas !!!
CC: Hi, Grandpa!
G: This is Santa! Ho, Ho, Ho!!!
CC: No it isn't!
G: (laughing)...What are you doing?
CC: Talking to you. (somethings never change...I'm just a wee bit sarcastic)
G: What time you coming over? There are presents from Santa here for you!
CC: (I'd give him some time.)
The conversation would continue usually him telling me about some of his presents, other stuff that wasn't important other than we were talking and with the sound of expectation and excitement in his voice of looking forward for the whole family getting together.
(I'll eat a piece of apple pie in your honor on Christmas...if it isn't available, I'll buy one for us!! Yes, I will heat it for you and top it with only vanilla ice cream.) This was his favorite dessert!!! Had to be the double crust, no new types of stuff. Simple apple pie.
At the time, I never realized how special that ritual of our Christmas Day telephone conversation would become to me. It really is the little things that we don't think about that become so important when they are gone. I hear him singing along again...
Frank Sinatra, "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas!
Beginning tomorrow, I will not be posting until after Christmas. However, I do have specially selected Christmas songs. I do hope that you will take a listen as most are not standard and may put a different spin on the Holidays. (I will be reading other blogs and cruising the blogsphere.)
Happy Holidays to all my readers!!! (I will be praying for those including myself for I know this season is a difficult time.) May your time be filled with love, and lots of moments of joy!!
I hope you can see the picture of this pencil cup which says, "grandpa" on the lower part. I saw this in June and thought about really wanting to purchase it for my grandpa and keeping it. He passed away in 2002.
It is made by one of my favorite ceramic artists, Beth Mueller. Her art is delightful and her ceramics are wonderful. Anyway, I thought it a silly idea to purchase a present for someone who has since passed on, but every time I saw the cup it made me smile. I have wonderful memories of fishing with him and my uncle.
Well, Beth's stuff is limited edition and it went on sale recently. So, I purchased it for Grandpa for Christmas. I have it right by my computer holding things for me until I need them. I see the mug all the time and I hold it with gentle care, embracing the feel and form of a sturdy, functional, whimsical, comforting mug. It makes me smile and feel warm inside every time I see it. Again, Merry Christmas, Grandpa. I hear you going "ho, ho, ho" in my head.
I really miss you and am so thankful for your presence in my life for without you I would not have had any experience of a good attachment and would not be here to welcome everyone else a Merry Christmas. One which is probably one filled with a mixture of feelings. I pray that you can find joy, comfort and hope in one of them. I'm glad I did, but it doesn't make the others go away. Both can coexist. And, I can purchase a gift for a precious person that is no longer physically present.
"Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose." ~ The Wonder Years
The "R" (Retard) Word is Unacceptable! Stop Using it!!
Find Out Why
For My Answer, At the bottom of the page, do a search, "homosexuality series" and include the quotations.
"For the Bible Tells Me So"
It Gets Better
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND ACCEPTABLE THE WAY YOU ARE!!
I AM A CHILD OF GOD
Hidden Pieces: My Life of Abuse
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Effects of Child Sexual Abuse
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One of "THOSE" letters!!
Click the Picture to Find Out More. Also, look at later date like September & October 2009 to read more about my family's reaction. Blogger is not cooperationing with the search!