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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Monday, January 31, 2011

Eating Disorder Recovery ~ Another Start

I know that I haven't updated you about my eating disorder (anorexia) since September.  I hate talking about it and have become quite defensive since this time.  I'm frustrated that I can't seem to lose weight and my clothes are starting not to fit now.  I also wonder if it part of my PMS as I usually gain a size or two during the "bloat phase."  But, that doesn't matter to me.

I am so frustrated with my weight because I can't seem to lose any of the weight that I gained (60 pounds) from my pneumonia treatment.  However, I am grateful that I am alive with the medications that had me gain the weight.  But, I am getting into "trouble" with my thoughts and eating patterns which are becoming obsessive.

This past week, my therapist and I talked about it extensively and I didn't fragment.  Hooray!!!  I do want to get better and at the same time I want to dig my heels in.  He said that with my weight that I get to have my eating disorder with anyone knowing about it.  Also, that both thoughts can coexist.  He also realizes that I have distorted thinking when I believe that I can get back to 00 to 2 or a size 24-25.  He also realizes that I really want to get back there as well as I want to get better.

In one sense he is going to push me and in another he isn't.  He is going to help me really address my eating disorder and I am going to try to let him.  On the other side, he said if he feels like he wants it more than me that he will stop working on that issue or if I stop progress with his assignments.  He said that he is will not become frustrated with me as he will stop working with me until I am ready again.  (Kicks up abandonment issues again...different issue).

My assignment for this weekend is to create a meal chart with the days of the week and six boxes for each day.  Basically, he is trying to get me used to eating something at least six times per day...chocolate even counts for only one.  At this point, he doesn't care what I eat as long as I make progress.  He also suggested to reduce my simple carbohydrates in half which is also good for my husband as well.  Since my depression disabled me, I have not been eating healthy like we used to do so.  My husband is going to help me with this.

Next week, my therapist wants me to work on talking to him about the ways that I hide my eating disorder and ways, in which, I skip meals and continue with my anorexic behavior.  Telling my secrets...some that no one has heard about before.  Actually, he is the only person that I really talk to about it and that isn't saying much.

Here I go again...trying to address my eating disorder!  Sigh!!  More than 30 years makes it a difficult addiction to break...Yes, it is an addiction.  So, I know that my progress with be up and down.  I am also scared...I don't want to let go of control even though I know that my eating disorder is controlling me and that control is just an illusion.

4 comments:

Spin said...

I totally know what you are talking about CC. I have had an eating disorder my whole life. And, like you, I don't like to talk about it. Last Thursday night, I had reached the end, and I forced myself to talk to my best friend about it - as candidly as I possibly could. (He is actually a trained counsellor, so that helps). We talked through lots and made a plan for me. I don't want to just 'lose weight', I want to change my life and the way I think about food - the why I eat. So, I write down everything I eat and when, along with feelings I have that make me want to eat, even though I am not hungry. I write what is happening in my day that affects my emotions that affect my desire for food. So far, things are going great. It helps just to be conscience of what it going in my mouth, since I have to write it down. Then, him and I discuss my day together. It is so helpful to have someone who inconditionally loves me to work though this with - and hopefully get it dealt with for life - so I don't have to be in this place another 30 years from now.

Good luck on your journey, CC. Know that I am right here with you - and free to talk about it with you at anytime!

Amanda said...

Complez PTSD includes many of the symptoms of BPD as well as some dissociative stuff.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complex_post-traumatic_stress_disorder

Didn't know how to "write back" to your comment on my blog! :)

Clueless said...

Thank you so much Spin for your comments. And, especially for your support...it really means alot to me.

Clueless said...

Amanda, sometimes I wonder if I have complex PTSD, but I know that I do have. Thank you for the link and following back to me.

To write back to me, you just have to make a comment while logged into your account. Then, like any other blog you make a comment. I hope that helps.

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