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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Past Journal Entry: January 2006 ~ Therapist Conflict Part II

Past Journal Entry: January 2006 ~ Therapist Conflict Part II

...I started to go away when I remembered, so I looked at you to try to stay present, but went away more when I felt like you weren't .  Then, the women walking in the hall made me flashback to hearing my mother's heels coming down the hallway and the door flying open or door being slammed and my getting hit, so I went away more.  (starting to tear up)

Really hurt to feel like you weren't listening or even there...partly trigged how alone I felt with my thoughts and feeling growing up.  Like it wasn't okay to talk last night.

I had difficulty getting home because I started to sob when I got on the freeway and cried all the way home.  I stopped a block away from home to try to get it together befor I went home.  Took about 10 to 15 minutes.  Then, I went straight to bed not wanting to interact or let Adrian know that I was crying. Once he left the bedroom I began crying more and you called shortly after.  Felt a little better after talking with you, but still felt bad.

The following monday...Today was really difficult. I think you really trigged how alone, unheard and misunderstood I felt. I'm feeling panicy right now and starting to cry.  I'm in your parking lot and there was a mother yelling at her little boy.  Then, there was a little girl crying and screaming...feels like I really need to do that, but it really made me anxious.

This week, it seems like I've remember living at Grandma and Grandpa's when I really haven't before.  Let alone talk about it.  Really feels like I need to talk, cry, scream and hit.  I really want to hit me or the glass...Everything just hurts and I keep flashing back to Grandma and Grandpa's, the duplex and Maye and Bill's [ex-step-father's parents].

Then, I think that it is my fault because I went and looked at the houses Monday...I just have to make everything bad.  I just want to curl up and die.  Guess I'm saying that I'm in a lot of pain.  Crying a little more now.

[I really don't know what was going on with this entry, but obviously there was some sort of thing going on with me with my therapist. I did read this to him and I know that he took responsibility for his part. By the time, I left I was relieved and felt really reconnected to him. I want to encourage all of you to let your therapist know what you are thinking and feeling regaring the way that they speak to you, what they say or anything else. I know how difficult it is and contrary to what we actually want to do, but do it anyway. :-) After almost nineteen years, I still have to journal it then read it. But, it is some of the most productive work you will do. It will also increase your ability to trust yourself and someone else.]

Past Journal Entry: January 2006 ~ Therapist Conflict Part II

5 comments:

isabella mori said...

i think it's wonderful that you talked to your therapist about it. i presume this is exactly what you couldn't do when you were younger, to say "i'm uncomfortable with what's going on here" (i know, 'uncomfortable' is a bit of a lame word here).

when i was in europe, there was a moment when my mother raised her voice at me for no reason. then a miracle happened. immediately, without thinking, i said to her, "i don't like it when you talk to me this way." at 55, this was the first time i was able to do that. and it looks like you're very much the way to acting like that, too.

Clueless said...

Although this was four years ago, I still find that journaling and then reading is a great thing. However, I don't always need it. Sometimes, I leave a message on his answering machine or even say something in the moment in therapy! WOW!! I think, that I am slowly starting to do this with my mother, but she runs right over my boundaries.

Thank you for the encouragement and comment. It is so amazing how much "control" that our parents still have. 55 really isn't a long time when you consider most never get there. This also insures that you have a job!!!

lostinamaze said...

I have a hard time bringing up what this kind of stuff to my therapist. I think my fear is that if I rock the boat she will walk away from me. It's great that you were able to do this. I can see how writing it out would be helpful.

Spin Original said...

So vivid and honest. Love your writing.

I am 30 years old and my Mom still has control over me. She is the quiet manipulator type. I am just now working through some of those issues and learning how to deal with her in the right way. The first way is by saying "I am 30 years old and can make my own decisions!"

Clueless said...

lostinamaze,

I always go through that in my head, so I tell him outloud what is going through my head and my fears...then, I am able with much effort to read it. I hope this helps. Take Care, CC

Spin Original,

Thank you for the compliment. I'm glad that you are able to do what you can with your mother...I'll be 45 this summer and I still have difficulty...she makes me so crazy sometimes...at the suggestion of my therapist, I have gone through periods of having no contact with her. She is very toxic to me. I'm sorry that it is such a struggle, but it is one that you are not alone with as many people have such issues. My 20s and 30s was a tough period for me. Take Care, CC

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