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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Past Journal Entry ~ 2006 ~ More flashbacks

Past Journal Entry ~ January 19, 2006 ~ 5:30 PM

Gary,

I had a tough time last night.  I was actually still crying when we got off the telephone, but the medicatons were kicking in and I fell asleep, but woke up on and off between 2-4:30, then I was awake.

I've been feeling really bad about last night because I misinterpreted what was going on.  Then I became anxious because I kept thinking you are angry with me. I've been tearful and going away much of the day. I've really been wanting to cut put my hand through glass and stab my leg.

Last night, was really difficult as I kept remembering more of what it was like and how I felt when we lived with Grandma and Grandpa's.  When I thought that you weren't with me...I felt really bad...after what you said last night. I wonder if it was difficult for you to remain present last night.

When I though you weren't paying attention or listening to me.  I felt really bad and was angry.  Feeling like I was wasting my time and again there was no one to listen, felt really alone and I was in the middle of struggling to tell you about my mother slapping and hitting me and how I was terrified...I was also trying to get it out of my head because I didn't want to believe it. Always thought that I was older.

[I really don't know what was going on with this entry, but obviously there was some sort of thing going on with me with my therapist.  I did read this to him and I know that he took responsibility for his part.  By the time, I left I was relieved and felt really reconnected to him.  I want to encourage all of you to let your therapist know what you are thinking and feeling regaring the way that they speak to you, what they say or anything else. I know how difficult it is and contrary to what we actually want to do, but do it anyway. :-)  After almost nineteen years, I still have to journal it then read it.  But, it is some of the most productive work you will do.  It will also increase your ability to trust yourself and someone else.]

Past Journal Entry ~ January 19, 2006 ~ 5:30 PM...continued tomorrow

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