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A key word that you will see:
Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.
I've decided to start a series entitled reality. It will be scattered throughout my blog as I learn or struggle with an issue. As a way of coping with things I grew up with as a child, I developed a fantasy world. Not the fairy tale kind, but one that made sense out of an overwhelming, abusive and chaotic environment. This makes it hard to accept and deal with reality now as I want to stay in my fantasy. Problem is most of my fantasy means that "I did something wrong, I can control it, I am bad." The list could go on, but basically it all comes down to "I am bad." This issue is such a struggle for me. Acceptance instead of judgement is a tough transition to make, but it is the only way toward healing and it has taken me a long way to get here.
FANTASY: My father drifted out of my life. My parents separated when I was three or four. I only saw him a handful of times when I was younger and twice between six and seventeen and to the present. I have a difficult time seeing this as abandonment instead of drifting. In turn this means, that I had control over his decisions and I'm the one who pushed him away because "I am bad."
1 comments:
Sometimes we find ourselves thinking in untruths instead of realities.
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