PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ December 5, 2005 ~ Physical Abuse!

I'm kind of in a strange place with writing today (Sunday) for tomorrow's post. I have a lot of stuff going on in my head, lots going on in therapy, lots going on personally and then wanting to get back to writing excerpts from my journal.

I keep picking it up and realizing that I don't want to write what is in there because it makes things more real which is part of the purpose. I've been talking in more generalities in therapy which keeps me a little removed from the reality of how really bad it was, so I guess I'll start with my journal.

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ December 5, 2005

Geoffrey,

I 'm really having a difficult time this morning with just being present and alternating from feeling agitated/overwhelmed to wanting to die/bruise/cut to having more flashbacks to tearing up to wanting to scream.

Remember arriving at my step-father's parents and beginning to exit the van and my step-father grabbing my shirt to pull me back and then my arm. He dragged me over the engine and pulled me into the section between the engine and the back seat.

I remember hearing him closing the door and hearing him lock it. I was really scared and felt so trapped. And, felt that dropping of my stomach. I remember him yelling at me to not be disrespectful and not to talk back. I remember thinking I didn't know what I did wrong, but I figured I shouldn't have said that I wanted to go to my grandparents instead of his parents.

Then, he slid into the back grabbed me, pulled my pants and underwear down and pushed my head into the engine cover and pulled me up higher. He kept yelling at me. I remember the feel of the pattern of the cover against my cheek.

Although I was faced in the opposite direction, I could hear him unbuckle and take his belt off. Remember hearing the belt go thru the air and hit the ceiling and then hit me. It really hurt. He kept hitting me and made the back of my legs and my lower back hurt too. The pain radiated.

Remember, he became angry that the ceiling interfered , so he shortened the length. Then, he was able to hit harder and faster. I wanted so much to cry and to scream because it hurt so much. I focused on the engine cover pattern, the latches and the warmth of the engine.

He was so angry. I was so scared. He was so out of control and angry and just kept hitting felt like it was never going to end because he was hitting so hard and so fast. I remember feeling like I was going to pass out because it hurt so much.

I was also really afraid that he would take me into the back and force himself on me. I remember the smell of the engine and the oil. He sometimes would lock up up in the back and he would force himself on me and it hurt so much I really wanted to cry and scream, but kept focusing on the black sealing around the doors and the handles. Wished I could just unlock the door grab the handles, open the door and run.

When he was hitting me, I kept thinking about trying to unlock the door and get away, but knew I couldn't be fast enough and when he caught me I'd be in more trouble and he'd be even angrier. I kept imagining that he was going to hit my head on the engine cover repeatedly until I died. Or that he would repeated hit my head on the window or try to put my head through the windshield.

I was so afraid that he was going to really hurt or kill me. I also, remember wanting to die when he hit me that time or when he would force himself on me. Feel so much like crying and screaming...I really wanted to then, but knew it would just make it worse. I was also afraid that he was going to tell my mother that I misbehaved that day which he did, so my mother began screaming at me when she came home, "that your are lucky to have someone to take care of you and should be thankful that he stays with you and you need to listen and behave with him."

Then, she slapped me really hard twice. I was so angry and hurt. The slap really hurt and it was already painful to sit. Then, she basically didn't talk to me for the rest of the evening, but when she tucked me into bed she warned me that I'd better behave with him tomorrow. Then, she made me kiss her which I really didn't want to do. I really wanted to push her away and scream and cry and was so glad the day was over.

Remember when Gene would force himself on me that I was so terrified. Just the look in his eyes. He looked so angry and it almost always hurt so much that I wanted to scream with each thrust. It was like all his anger was wrapped up in the push. I hurt so much. Felt like I was going to pass out from the pain sometimes. He was so rough.

Sometimes, I was also afraid that he was angry enough to choke me to death during those times. I felt like I was such a bad person that I needed to die or just wanted to get the pain to stop.

Remember being afraid of my mother when she was angry with me. Sometimes, in the car, I was afraid that she would push me out of the car while it was moving. I remember her threatening to throw me through the second story window. A part of me was really afraid she could get angry enough to do so.

Also, remember sometimes right before falling asleep being afraid that I would suffocate in my sleep. But, I knew she wouldn't do these. Actually, I really wasn't sure because sometimes, she could be so out of control and angry. She could really hurt me like with the ping-pong paddle, the yard stick, the slapping and slugging me.

Even, my father terrified me. The two times he threw me in the pool to make me learn how to swim, I thought that he was going to let me die. I didn't think it mattered. He could get so angry and his slapping me on the cheek or the mouth sometimes hurt more than my mothers. When, he spanked me with the belt it hurt just as much, but was shorter in duration.

Both left bruises and welts, but sometimes my step-father drew blood. It hurt so much to sit or go to the restroom. I don't think my mother knew. Actually, I'm not sure I wanted her to know because she would just become angrier with me.

I really was terrified and panicked all the time of getting hit or yelled at. Seems like everyone or someone was angry at most of the time just waiting to take it out on me.

Observations: This was really difficult to type. It was strange because I remembered it happening like a memory and remembered remembering it and all the feelings. I don't know if that makes any sense. But, it seems to have really made me, on a deeper level, realize how terrified and on edge I was all the time where ever I was. Geoffrey was right it was like being in the front lines of a war zone. This time, I also had a deeper sense of how young I was and how violent things were. Also, noticed that there was no way that I couldn't get the message that "I was bad." Not quite accepting, but getting there. I feel a little dizzy and buzzy, so I'll stop.

"You Never Let Go" ~ Matt Redman ~ Worship in Song

British Humour of Facebook!!!

Comedy from http://www.idiotsofants.com What would it be like if Facebook was actually played out in real life? As featured on BBC Three show 'The Wall' see: http://www.bbc.co.uk/thewall .

(Remember this is British Humour...I'm not responsible!!!)

Suicide Myths

Following up on yesterday's post on suicide, I wanted to add some information regarding myths. Click on title to go to the Healthy Place page from which I obtained the information.

Suicide Myths and Facts

Myth: People who talk about killing themselves rarely commit suicide.
Fact: Most people who commit suicide have given some verbal clues or warning of their intention.

Myth: The tendency toward suicide is inherited and passed from generation to generation.
Fact: Although suicidal behavior does tend to run in families, it does not appear to be transmitted genetically.

Myth: The suicidal person wants to die and feels that there is no turning back.
Fact: Suicidal people are usually ambivalent about dying and frequently will seek help immediately after attempting the harm themselves.

Myth: All suicidal people are deeply depressed.
Fact: Although depression is often closely associated with suicidal feelings, not all people who kill themselves are obviously depressed. In fact some suicidal people appear to be happier than they've been in years because they have decided to "resolve" all of their problems by killing themselves. Also, people who are extremely depressed usually do not have the energy to kill themselves.

Myth: There is no correlation between alcoholism and suicide.
Fact: Alcoholism and suicide often go hand in hand. Alcoholics are prodded to suicidal behavior and even people who don't normally drink will often ingest alcohol shortly before killing themselves.

Myth: Suicidal people are mentally ill.
Fact: Although many suicidal people are depressed and distraught, most could not be diagnosed as mentally ill; perhaps only about 25 percent of them are actually psychotic.

Myth: Once someone attempts suicide, that person will always entertain thoughts of suicide.
Fact: Most people who are suicidal are so for only a very brief period once in their lives. If the person receives the proper support and assistance, he/she will probably never be suicidal again. Only about 10 percent of the people who attempt later kill themselves.

Myth: If you ask someone about their suicidal intentions, you will only encourage them to kill themselves.
Fact: Actually the opposite is true. Asking someone directly about their suicidal intentions will often lower their anxiety level and act as a deterrent to suicidal behavior by encouraging the ventilation of pent-up emotions through a frank discussion of his problems.

Myth: Suicide is quite common among the lower class.
Fact: Suicide crosses all socioeconomic distinctions and no one class is more susceptible to it than another.

Myth: Suicidal people rarely seek medical attention.
Fact: Research has consistently shown that about 75 percent of suicidal people will visit a physician within the month before they kill themselves.

Suicide: Please, Hear What I Am Saying.

Suicide: Yes, I need attention. Please take me seriously, even if I don’t!!

I have a real pet peeve about saying that people who talk about suicide just want attention like it is a bad thing. Attention is not a bad thing (do not tell my therapist...he will use it against me) and all behavior is communication and usually indicates a need, so they need attention. But, let's get specific what type someone to talk to, a companion, someone to play a game with, someone to help them with their medications, someone to help them with something...it is always a an indication of a want or need that they find this is the only way that they can express it. What are they really trying to say.”

For me, my whole life has been impacted by “just for attention, it is not that bad, she has always been dramatic.” This is especially so when it came to suicidal thoughts and behavior. I have lived with suicidal thoughts my whole life (first active memory at age two). I won’t go into the details here and the younger thoughts were not really formed, but just a sense of not wanting to be. I knew that this was not normal, but I felt like I was defective.

I couldn’t really talk about just fun stuff without the risk of being ridiculed, humiliated, ignored or aggressed against when I was younger…even now with my mother. She has an undiagnosed and untreated severe borderline personality disorder and my step-father was narcissistic and abusive. After more than 18 years of active therapy, group therapy, and two hospitalizations, I still have constant thoughts of suicide. My brain automatically goes there and under stress and especially highly emotional events I feel like I need to die.

In high school, I took an overdose of Tylenol before church, so my friend’s parents took me to the hospital and called my mother. Both step-father proceeded to yell at me about being stupid, etc… My mother was hysterical and angry and yelling at me. The emergency staff led them out of the room to my relief. Now, I would have been admitted, but back then they released me and told my mother to take me to see a therapist who I saw twice. I told him I was fine and just wanted some attention. He just took at that and I never saw him again. (I now know that he was sort of incompetent especially working with teenagers). Just adds to my brain that wanting attention is not important. Also, my mother never talked about it again…to this day. She can’t even handle that I’m in therapy and not working. If I bring it up I get ignored.

A few months after that, two of my friends approached my mother and told her that they thought I was suicidal. Well, my mother dismissed them saying, “Well, CC has always been dramatic. She should have been an actress. She is just fine, but thank you for your concern.” Right now, I can barely feel the pain of the disappointment that maybe this once she will listen to someone else.

The thoughts and planning increased through high school and college continuing to go unheard and my wanting so much just to talk about it. After numerous false starts and wrong fit therapists, I began seeing the therapist I now see and it took me over a year to tell him that I even had a suicidal thought. Even now after knowing him for more than 20 years, I am just beginning to talk to him. Still sometimes I “forget” to tell him and try to handle it on my own just like before. And my head and feelings go, “he doesn’t believe me, he thinks I’m being manipulative or dramatic, he is going to yell at me or hit me, it isn’t that big of a deal, and I’m fine, I should not have talked about it.”

After much time in therapy and trying to talk about it, which I am still in the process of doing, I'm finding that I am actually saying, “I feel hopeless. I'm in pain. I'm in so much pain that I'd rather die. I want ultimate control because I don't feel in control.” This all is rooted in my childhood trauma. Nonetheless, I am now taken seriously and am encouraged to talk about it which is such a relief to me. My therapist does not over react and he trusts me and we do talk about whether hospitalization is necessary. Most of the time, it isn’t but he and I monitor the situation. It feels so good to finally be heard!!!

What to do if you think a person is having suicidal thoughts? I obtained this information off the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (USA) site. You cannot predict death by suicide, but you can identify people who are at increased risk for suicidal behavior, take precautions, and refer them for effective treatment.

Ask the person directly if he or she (1) is having suicidal thoughts/ideas, (2)has a plan to do so, and (3) has access to lethal means

Ask “Are you thinking about killing yourself?” “Have you ever tried to hurt yourself before?” “Do you think you might try to hurt yourself today?” “Have you thought of ways that you might hurt yourself?” “Do you have pills/weapons in thehouse?”

This won’t increase the person’s suicidal thoughts. It will give you information that indicates how strongly the person has thought about killing him- or herself.

IS PATH WARM?

Ideation—Threatened or communicated
Substance abuse—Excessive or increased

Purposeless—No reasons for living
Anxiety—Agitation/Insomnia
Trapped—Feeling there is no way out
Hopelessness

Withdrawing—From friends, family, society
Anger (uncontrolled)—Rage, seeking revenge
Recklessness—Risky acts, unthinking
Mood changes (dramatic)

If it is then, call for help. The following are some resources most of which are international:

http://suicidehotlines.com/national.html
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
http://suicidehotlines.com/international.html
http://suicideandmentalhealthassociationinternational.org/Crisis.html
http://www.befrienders.org/
http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html

“As anyone who has been close to someone that has committed suicide knows, there is no other pain like that felt after the incident” ~ Peter Greene

Is Suicide a Choice? "No. Choice implies that a suicidal person can reasonably look at alternatives and select among them. If they could rationally choose, it would not be suicide. Suicide happens when all other alternatives are exhausted -- when no other choices are seen."
~ Adina Wrobleski Suicide: Why? (1995)

“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.” ~ Norman Cousins

“Have the courage to live. Anyone can die.” ~Robert Cody

"If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide." ~Mahatma Gandhi

What Do You Want?

Actually, this post would be better titled, "What do I want?" But, that sounded better. I just returned from therapy and I'm having a really difficult time with the fragmenting, depression, feeling bad and the self-hatred. I'm so sensitive to everything people say or do and I am projecting like crazy.

Why? Well, that is one of my problems, silly!!! It all has to do with what I've written about my experiences on the Internet in which I cannot be specific.

But, bottom line is that I identified areas in which I was not happy, expressed that and asserted what I wanted. However, to try to get me to own what I actually want is a difficult thing to do because I often times can't identify it and when I do I make me and the want bad which is about my self-hatred. Hence, my increased symptoms.

So, the big question thing I am left with today is focusing on what I want. Not an easy thing to do when it becomes bad before I even think it, so it never comes. Or, my mind is totally blank or foggy. So, the real title is "What do I want." See I can't even own that. Can I just let it be without judgement, rules or condemnation? This is painful and tough work...anyone what to trade places?

Putting Myself Out There=Risk!!!

I realize that when I decided to blog that I was putting myself out there to receive all sorts of comments especially with this blog as it is so personal. I received such positive responses that I ventured further into social networks and had mixed responses. But, none that really bothered me more than irritated me with cliche's of advise or one's where you wonder, "What are they responding to?" Or, "What planet are they from?"

So, I began to venture further and found myself being in discussions and heated debates on all sorts of topics including mental health. I was fine with that. In fact, I was proud of being able to stand my ground and clearly state my different point of view.

Then, that began to turn ugly and became direct attacks and digs on me personally. Some days, I can handle it without a problem and like it. Other times, when I am not in a good place it can be crushing and I can't crawl out of the "I am bad" hole. I feel attacks coming from inside and outside.

And, there are unwanted changes on some of the sites that make me feel like I don't fit in which triggers that "I've never fit in and nobody wants me unless I change." Sorry to be vague. Well, I have decided that I am only going to stay where I feel like I can be me and where it is still fun or helpful for me.

I feel like I'm standing on unsolid ground because I can't really figure out what it is that I want. I do know that right now things are in transition and I feel like I'm on the ground trying to stand up in the middle of an earthquake. Somewhere along the way, I have lost myself. If you do happen to find me, please send to my home. Postage, shipping, handling and insurance will be reimbursed.

Christmas fun, irritations, anger and flashbacks!!!

I said that I would try for Monday's post to write about Christmas. Right now (Sunday evening), I'm feeling really depressed and am extremely sensitive to anything that feels like criticism. I'm feeling pushed aside and that has to be a projection. I'm questioning everything that I do...how I write, what I write, etc...

I thought that I was surprisingly calm and more relaxed about Christmas. That was until I slept most of the time for the next three days and it was filled with nightmares and the day with flashbacks. However, this was the most enjoyable Christmas since I became depressed, but there were also things that really triggered me that I still do not fully know.

Mostly, it was my mother. Anyone surprised? The first thing that she started talking to me about is my 87 year old grandmother who is not eating enough despite her physician telling her to do so and my mother. My mother was also filling her refrigerator with food. My grandmother still lives independently in her own home in a senior community.

I didn't know it until late the week following Christmas that the edge that my mother gets in her voice when she is "demanding" that you see things her way and validate her, immediately caused me to shut down and go away. I went into automatic mode and calmed her down, but still told her that she can't force her.

Please don't give me any suggestions about my grandmother...remember, I used to do this for a living. Besides, I know a little about what could be an eating disorder, health condition or depression.

I know that edge in my mother's voice so well and I act so automatically that I hadn't realized what I did until this week. I am really angry that she put me in the position on Christmas and that I couldn't even respond because I didn't even know what I was doing. I'm also angry and having flashbacks and nightmares of having to do that all the time growing up with her.

The second part has to do with my mother having no boundaries and acting like a two year old who wants attention, but can't ask directly. Or, one that is angry, so becomes passive aggressive. My husband even was angry at her.

I was sitting on the couch and watching television when my mother began poking me in the head with a toothpick and I told her to stop, but she continued. I was tired so I laid down hoping that would stop. Instead she kept trying to pinch my rear even though I told her to stop. Finally, I just moved and put my head on my husband, but she continued and he had to keep moving his hands to keep her away from me.

Later, I felt a lot of anger toward her lack of respect and just everything. I also got angry that this is the norm. She gets away with it in front of the whole family because that is "just the way she is and the family accepts it." Sometimes, the interfere, but usually I'm "deemed" the sensitive one who can't take a joke. I just feel angry at everyone and that isn't mentioning dealing with my self-hatred.

I'm still having really bad nightmares about being "caught" in similar situations especially at work..."no win or I'm at fault." And, having sensory flashbacks about growing up with these type of incidents. I am having a difficult time.

At least, my therapist said that he didn't want to go down to three times per week, of course, it was only after I told him that I didn't want to. However, we are working on acknowledging and accepting the way things were and are for me. I always thought that just knowing was enough. :-) Acknowledging and accepting is a whole different game. *sigh*

"Bring the Rain" ~ MercyMe ~ Worship in Song

When selecting a song for this Sunday, I thought I was looking for something else, but I came across this song and it really touched my heart. It almost felt like my answer to those who ask, "How can you believe in a God that allows such horrendous things to happen?" My soul says, "How can I not believe."

I know answers for the Biblical basis and can tell you that and believe it; however, deep inside I will never understand because I am not God and have a limited understanding of how great He is. But, I do know that He has been the only constant stable, loving, accepting, comforting, guiding, protecting One in my life. He never changes...people do and I do. But, He doesn't. He continues to love us no matter what we do. That brings me to praise Him. Holy, Holy, Holy!!!